To Fail or Not to Fail

Well after an agonizing wait my first paper came back.. B+ its okay but for a girl looking for an A it's not so good. You see now I have to really plan my plan B. And I really don't want to. This is very depressing and stressful. I have so much pressure and so much determination but I feel like I'm fighting a battle that's been lost already.
People tell me relax, you're thinking too much into it. It's not that serious and I know it isnt I've been in school for most of my life. But I cant HELP feeling this way. When I got my paper I was shaking, I didnt want to look at it but I did. I didn't know what to expect, I felt sweaty, my hearting was pounding, I just had to open it then BOOM B+. My intial reaction was like okay how can I make this to an A, I'll make it so my final average equals an A. But as everyone else received their paper and the professor was talking about the great papers. I started feeling little again. Then I read his comment on how I have to be more sophisticated. What? I know my vocabulary is not 100% but come on I'm a Dominican New Yorker, I'm not white, I dont use big words when I speak. When I'm writing my papers I write how I know how to write. I use big words when appropriate, I check my grammer, I had other people read it a thousand times to make sure it sounded like I knew what I was talking about. I got good reviews.

Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing or what should I do. This new school has thrown my off my mental state. But its me I know it. I usually cope with things pretty good. This is really kicking my ass, this has been the hardest. So far so bad :( I'm a really spirtual person, I go by energys and I believe everything happens for a reason and if things are meant to be, they will be. But this I dont know. Should I fight or should I let it go and see where it goes. Its hard because I dont want to do all this work and fight then lose anyway. I dont want to let it go because I want it SOOO bad! This is what I want; this is what I want to do.

Maybe it's because I'm an only child but I'm a thinker. I think A LOT about everything. I didn't have any siblings around so I couldn't speak to anyone but myself. It was me and my mom (always makes me so emotional) but I didn't have anyone to share things with and get some feedback. I couldn't share everything with my mother because she was raised not only ina different country but a different time. So I was left to figure things out by myself. It's going to sound crazy but when things are going on I talk to myself and just talk it through. Sometimes I still do it, I cry by myself and laugh by myself. It makes me feel better like I have someone there. I'm like my own best friend :) I'm not crazy lol.

Man I'm going to do it. Once again I'm going to throw myself in there but I'm scared.

Have a good night!

Simply Denisi <3

*These entires haven't been edited as you can tell, I will get around to it this weekend.

Just Me ...

Rainy day in NYC and I'm at work ugh! I've been feeling a little blue lately and sometimes I'm experiencing these mini-anxiety attacks. (what's that about?) And no I'm not PMSing. I've been under pressure from no one in particular just myself; some financial, some personal. I've just been feeling very alone and insecure; no one gets me. I don't have a best friend and I really haven't had one since high school and sometimes it really gets to me. I have friends but no one that I feel comfortable enough to burden with my issues or thoughts. I have my husband but I don't want to burden him either. I just sometimes need a friend not just any friend but an exclusive best friend. It might sound silly and even a little immature but everyone (my friends) seem to have their own best friend so I don't want to be like second best friend or something.

My best friend was like the best, I loved her like family, like a sister. I would kill and die for her and I felt the same way back. I mean she knew everything about me and I knew everything about her. Barely fought or had disagreements. We had the greatest time together we were bad girls together and were good girls together. Always had something to speak about. Everything we did and anywhere we went, we were together. I just felt like I had someone there for me. Sometimes I don't like going to places alone or planning things alone and sometimes I just want someone's opinion. And I don't have that right now. It's just me, myself and I.

Sometimes I don't mind being by myself, I pretty independent and I love having me time. I sit home, watch TV or just sit a think. I think about my goals and what am I going to do. I plan my me day when I'm home alone, I plan my menu for the day, my movie list, my music play list, my comfy clothes and just chill. If I need to cry I do, I reminisce, I do my makeup and I take pictures. lol It may seem corny and boring but I work my inner Denise out. Its feels a lot better than it sounds. Its sounds a little crazy but it's not lol I hope lol.It's a little secret that I guess isn't a little secret anymore. :)

Right now I'm just going through somethings.. I'm dealing with a new school and just adapting to being an A student which I've never worked that hard. So now I'm scared of failing. I'm scared that I'm going to spend so much time effort and money then at the end I still won't be accepted to the program. I'm scared to face the reality that I'm just a dumb chubby latina. I know I'm not but in this school that I'm going to be have honor students, people working towards their doctorate, well spoken professionals. Then you have me..

In one hand I'm excited to go to school and aim for the best and be around all these intellect professional but in the other I feel under qualified, i feel super young and immature. I tell myself nah you bugging Denise you can do why not, you just have to put your all into it. BUT I can't help it, I just can't stop. I feel like a scared 5 year old going to her first day of school every time! I tell myself everything is going to be okay; but is it really? What happens if it's not? Then what all this hard work for nothing because it's still not going to be good enough? I think about it and I get nervous, my heart starts beating super fast, my eyes water and I feel crazy (anxiety). But I can't do anything about it, just do what I can.

BUT THEN..

I'm pretty independent. I like doing things myself so that then in case whatever happens I don't owe anyone anything or if things go bad I don't have anyone to blame but myself.

My husband works at a university, a prestigious university in NY, because he is an employee his family can attend the school for free. I took advantage but my grades weren't good enough to get into the school so they allowed me to take 2 courses as a "non-student" so I can then apply to and have a better chance. They said you only have to pay the school fees and the taxes. I get the bill and its $700 and I'm like this is going to be GREAT! I wish! Last week they have started bascially taking an extra $200 in taxes fro my husbands paycheck and they will do that for the next 10 weeks! YES 10 weeks!! That's $2000 in taxes! I mean it's still a good deal to go to this school but charge me! I dont have this kind of money to pay him back. We have bills, super credit cards. This is just a huge set back.

I know, he is my husband, we are a family. my bills are his bills, visa-versa. He hasn't complained but still. I feel bad and even worse that I dont have 200 a week so maybe I can put on one of his bills. So I've decided I'm not going back to school until I can either pay him or take a loan to cover our expenses. BUT I can't take a loan until I am officially accepted to the counseling program. UGH!

Everything goes as God planned it to be...

If anyone is out there please pray for me.. I really really want this.
Well until next time. Peace and good health.
simplyDenisi <3

Just me.

I'm back and ready to conquer it ALL.

Well I see I lost some followers but new beginnings it is.

I've fell off my dieting and exercising and just focused on getting better then came school. I didn't even want to think about dieting even though it was in back of my head everyday. I realized we are really obsessed with food, dieting, self imagine and sometimes it looks and feels so unhealthy.

WoW will I spend my entire life yo-yoing with diets and thinking about my diet. It makes me sad to think this is going to be a never ending struggle.

I don't think I'm necessarily obsessed because I try not to think about it as much.

But I DO think about and it DOES bother me. When I do think about I try to shake it off and think like no

Denise you are who you are and eff them. I can't help but when I'm around my thin sisters or my other family members I feel ugly, fatter than what I usually feel then I think I HAVE to lose weight RIGHT NOW. I don't want to eat around them. I sometimes don't like to eat in front of people generally because I am the size that I

am they might think I eat like a pig and keep it fat kid style all day but I don't. Don't get me wrong I pig out sometimes but usually I get full really fast; I don't like greasy, fatty foods like that, I don't eat candy often but I am obsessed with

chocolate.

Most of the time I am comfortable with myself and I love my chubby self but others make me feel self conscious because being over-weight isn't socially accepted. Will we ever over come this?

Don't get me wrong I get it, we are unhealthy, we ha

ve a short life span etc. BUT my mother's side of the family is mostly overweight; so is that a coincidence? The advice thin or "healthy" people give me never surprises me. Since I've been overweight all my life and have known about it I've been hearing all the health risks and how to lose weight, and when to lose weight and how different I would look, feel, be.. I'VE HEARD IT ALL.. Sometime others just don't understand what we struggle with.. I mean we can be almost compared to like when Africans were slaves. We aren't beaten or even go thought what they went through but they were looked at as different. People made them feel inferior and like outsiders living in white society. We are fattys living in a "skinny" society.

I cope with it pretty well. I have my good days and bad days but mostly good but others don't. They are looked as hungry hippos so they conform and in their mind they use food as make me feel better pill. The pill works for about 5 seconds then it's like wha

t did I do? DAM that 5 MORE pounds! But they fall into it again then it becomes a cycle then you're superduper obese.

Sometimes it's deeper. I'm still looking and working on myself but it's a work-in-progress. When I'm home and something is bothering me or I'm depressed I do eat more but why? Why does my friend losses her appetite and experiences the total opposite when she is depressed but my appetite increases by like 100%?

What shall we do? When will we change? Obesity is a huge problem, have you guess seen the McDonalds portions in europe compared to the ones in the states? funny. They can control fast food over there why can't our government do the same here? The FDA controls everything else? Why not control what vendors put in our food? It's almost like they don't care, or trying to make us sicker so more money for programs, more money for doctors, more money for taxes.

Why are people trying to fight Obama on healthcare?

Im not like making theories or trying to uncover government secrets, I just wonder whats going on sometimes.. looking at the bigger picture..

Interesting...

Until next time.

simplyDenisi <3

Hello there... ;)

Well GOOD evening loves... We meet again...

So much has happened, so much to tell so many thoughts that I would like to share.. So many things to do so little time.. I've went back to school for my masters in Mental Health Counseling YES! :)

My health is pretty much 100 % :)

AND I'm back to being SIMPLY Denisi! another :)

So let rekindle our love and move foward...

I'm going to start blogging once again and I'm very excited. They took away my internet access away at my day job BUT you'll be hearing from me at least a couple times a week.

I also want to actually get back to working on my simplydenisi.com and see where we take that..

Remember my contacts:

twitter.com/simplydenisi

myspace.com/denisi

facebook.com/simplydenisi

simplydenisi@gmail.com

I will try my absolute hardest to post some stuff tomorrow.. Tomorrow is my school night soooo see you tomorrow!

Love ALWAYS,

SimplyDenisi

I'm Back!

I'm back in business, I hope I wasn't missed that much and everyone has had a wonderful and healthy month!

After multiple doctor and hospital visits, a blood transfusion and all sorts of medications, I'm revived! I have a possible thyroid problem which messes with my hormones and cranial hypertension (IIH) which gives me a non stop headache and it's getting better. My mother finally arrived from the Dominican Republic and has nursed me back to health. Thank God for mothers, I don't know what I would've done without her. I took almost two weeks off from work and dedicated time to me and it felt wonderful.

I'm in the process of giving myself a mini makeover and just renewing my look. I really want to give my apartment a makeover but that would be much more expensive.

I feel like my old self again! I felt like I've been lost for years when it has been months but I'm glad everything has worked out and nothing crucial happened.

I'm thankful for my mother, my hasband and my sister for all their care. It's nice to feel you have people around you that you can count on and are just there to love you and embrace you. My husband never let go of my hand and I always knew and felt how much he loves me. My sister is like my second mother, called me every single hour and took me to the doctors and the hospital. She always knows the questions to ask and how to handle every situation. She is a strong woman and I'm glad to have her around as a role model. We as women all need to be strong independent women and she has taught me that. My mother no words can explain what she means to me. No matter how old I get or what I do in life she has the power to make me feel like her little baby. As soon as she got to NY she gave me vitamins, iron juices, just everything. She knew exactly what to do and when. She put me under her wing and made sure I was okay. She took me every where to doctors, the hospital, acupuncture just everything. She prepares breakfast, lunch and dinner to make sure I'm okay. The love and the comfort I feel with her is undescriable, I don't feel that with no one else. I feel my mother is there 100% no matter what.

I hope one day I can just like that with my children and make them feel the same way. It's amazing nothing like your mother.

Blogging Absence

I know I know.. I just started and I've already took a break. Well unfortunately I haven't been feeling 100 % lately. I go through this about once a year but this time it's hit me the hardest. I have hormone problem where my body doesn't when to ovulate or control anything. I've been tested for thyroid issues before and they've always been normal. This time my blood work came back slightly abnormal so that's being looked into further.

Now why haven't I been feeling normal?? Well I menstruated for three weeks straight but the last week was the worst. I don't want to get too graphic but I had to change every half hour. Disaster! The bleeding has stopped a little over a week now but I've had a nonstop headache for 3 WEEKS! The doctors say it's because of the lack of oxygen and iron in my blood but I don't know. If I don't take anything it's a painful migraine, if I take migraine medicine it's manageable but it's still there. I feel like doing nothing all day, I've been on ibuprofen, Excedrin migraine, imatriex or fiorcet for over a month because of the bleeding at first and now the headache.

I don't know how to act sick, I can be dieing inside and I'm always smiling and talking but some moments I can't take the pain so I mention "oh I'm so sick" and people dismisses me. No one knows how I feel. I now understand why people with MS commit suicide because to be sick everyday feeling pain and fatigue is frustrating!! My eye is super sensitive now when I blink my right eye blanks out and I see black then it comes back, my ears are a little clogged. I explained this to my doctor, he referred me to do an MRI. It came back normal thank God so he says it's the oxygen and iron levels but my God i just want to feel normal AGAIN!! WHEN? I get depressed thinking about it and thinking I may have something really wrong with me but no one cares.

Daily I ask: What if i die? What if I become mentality ill as a result of this? What if I can't have children because of this? Whats wrong with me? What am I going to do with myself? What should I do? Where should I go? Who do I go see? Then the crying begins. I feel alone.

Everyday I look at different things I can have: meningitis, stroke, high blood pressure etc.

No matter how old u get, u always need your mother. My mother has been in the Dominican Republic for the past month, and I miss her like crazy. I don't want to ask her to come back because she is retired and she is enjoying herself like she should. I'm like yearning for just her presence because I know she won't let anything happen to me. She calls me everyday but I don't tell her much because I don't want her to worry while she is over there and she is coming back on June 29th that's three weeks away. I wanna be an adult but I can't help to just want my mommy.

So we are back on!

Kisses...

Sicky Denisi ...

PS: I gained all the weight I lost but my doctor said it's probably my thyroid so I'm going to see a specialist :(

Fat Girl Relapse

Well I've relapsed!

One day last week I was hungry, it was like all the food that I've been depriving my body from, caught up with me. I was craving all the bad fat girl things. I tried not thinking about it by keeping myself busy but I couldn't take it anymore and I gave IN! And it felt GOOD!! Then of course I felt super guilty! I convinced myself this wasn't the end of the world, OK Denise stop hyperventilating but I couldn't help feeling like I was going to be a fat girl forever.

All those times I stand in front of the mirror sucking my stomach in or biting my inner cheek to make my face look thinner.. Imagining I can do it and look like this one day.

I sometimes look at bigger people on the subway and think I would never get like that, I would never let myself get there and if I were them I would just give up on eating all together. I would just drink water all day everyday but in reality I'm there, some problably look at me and say the same. We try to make ourselves feel better by looking at someone that is worst off and sometimes that's not the right thing to do because it still doesn't resolve your problem. But when we thinking or saying this we don't stop and think.

No one knows the fat girl struggle because even though sometimes I let things go and tell myself "oh please girl you're fly", I want to know how does it feel to walk without the blubber. I want to just walk into ANY store and find something that fits. If it's not Lanebryant or Macy's Plus Size I dread going in. I start thinking if I were skinny I would wear this and that with that or you find something you really like that you hope for a miracle that they have your size then nope. At least we can go to the shoe section and they'll have something unless you have wide feet like me so that doesn't even workout.

So I relapsed then I couldn't seem to get on track then I got my "girl thang" (wink wink) so that threw me even more off. Today is the first day that I feel I'm getting back on my feet. This morning began reading "Naturally Thin" again and had a small breakfast. I'm still dreading the scale to see what I've gained in a week. So I fell now that I got up I'm going to wait about 2 weeks until I weigh myself.

This may seem dumb and senseless. Some may read this and think, come on join a gym, stop eating or eat less... but when you've lived a certain way all your life it's hard to now want to change the game on the ninth inning, it's very HARD! Unless you've been overweight or obese at some point in your life you can't know this feeling. And sometimes thin people that gain weight it's easier for them than someone who has been obese all their life.

So...

I'm going to do it! I AM!

Oh this life..

Well until next time.. So much to talk about so little time..

Simply me... Denisi <3.>

It's Over for Chris Brown!

Just a small comment..

Today I was coming into the office and on the elevator there was a girl with blasting earphones. I could hear the song clearly and it was Chris Brown. She was humming along like it was her favorite song. Humming the lyrics, bopping her head. I have to admit it, I was a little angered.

I was a fan of him since day one but it all ended that day in February 2009. He beat his then girlfriend Rhianna down. I was following the story like no other person. Every day, multiple times a day going into blog sites, gossips sites, entertainment sites for weeks! I was looking for his reason. Come on, what excuse is he going to give the world for his actions. My co-workers made fun of me because I added him on MySpace and sent him a message to see if he would respond and he didn't. I didn't want to believe he did this. Like what was he thinking!! She couldn't of done anything to deserve that. Even if she slapped him, have self control report her, break up with her, get away but don't beat her to the pulp!

I don't think he can bounce back from that.. I hope not because I can't see how us as women or poeple can listen and support him when he beat someone like that and then didn't have any remorse. How was he sorry then go jet sking on Miami Beach? All smiling in to the camera! He doesn't have any pictures with any bruising or with huge bumps coming out of his head. Even though I feel she didn't making a big deal as I think she should of, I'm not supporting him. I'm not supporting him or anyone that does anything like that. She should make a big deal just because of so many women going through the situation and her as a international icon should lead by example.

The situation is not okay and anyone man or woman doesn't have to put up with any abuse, physical or verbal or ANYTHING! No one has that right to gain power over another human being. We are all humans, we are all equal so stay in your lane!

He is a no GO! Thought? let's talk about it..

When will I get there?

OK well still don't have a bathroom but its coming along.. The walls are finally up but nothing else.. At least they made an outlet because the bathroom had none. So hopefully, I'm praying the bathroom will be done early next week. I still have to shower at my mothers house but it's almost over!!

I had a somewhat stressful day not because of work but because of my school situation. Okay let me start from the beginning. As I posted in my previous blog, I composed my goals and made a timeline. One of the most important ones was to start on my graduate degree. But unfortunately I decided to work on this a little too late. My husband works from NYU so I can get my masters for free, I'm only responsible for student fees and taxes. I'm excited because this is BIG! One problem the programs I want to pursue are not accepting applications because the deadline was February 1st. I'm trying to reach out to people in the school but no one is returning my emails.

Today I read facts about the program which is Mental Health Counseling, NYU only accepts 40 students A YEAR! Now my GPA not very good, doesn't reach 3.0, not because I'm not a good student or because I'm not smart but because when I started school I wasn't focused. But now I am. I feel helpless. I feel like there is no where to go. I have a goal that seems impossible to reach. I want to make a difference in people's lives but I can't seem to get a chance.

I really care about people and helping and becoming a resource. I really need a prayer. 40 students?? What are the odds of my being one of them. A Dominican girl from queens with a sucky GPA but that doesn't tell them who I am, what I'm about. The love and dedication I want to provide to the public. I want to open my counseling office, just come in, sit and let's talk.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to give up but it's hard. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is something I want so bad, it's what I've always wanted, it's something I always imagined myself doing. I want to give back. I want to be the example not only to my future children but to everyone around me. I'll have to continue this tomorrow I'm getting choked up and I'm getting a headache.

Until next time. Thank you for reading. Feel free to leave a comment.

simply Denisi <3.

PS gramatical errors will be corrected tomorrow.

How old is too old to have a baby?

I read a blog that sparked my interest. One of my favorite bloggers posted a blog about a woman having a child at 66. I looked into it and I also found story at MSNBC.com:

Adriana Iliescu, the 66-year-old Romanian who gave birth to baby girl on Jan. 17, 2005. She delivered at the Giulesti Maternity Hospital in Bucharest, Romania. So far she is the oldest to have a baby. The 66-year-old unmarried professor and writer had a emergency C-section. Her doctor, when asked why he would use reproductive technology to permit a 66-year-old woman to become pregnant, said he helped her because that is what she wanted to do, and because he was impressed with her faith in God and with her “determination."

As I reply to the blog I was struggling to make a decision weather I think she should have been allowed to do this. When you first hear about the story you think, no she is definitely to old !!! What is she doing?? But when you take a moment and think. If she wanted to become a mother and experience this, she does have the right. Every woman has the right to experience this wonderful ability. We are biologically here for purpose, we are to bear children. If not men would also have the ability to deliver a child. Who is to say when she should have stopped trying. She kept the hope alive. We never know what she was thinking or feeling. Was there a reason she didn't adopt earlier in life?.. If there was a little slim chance for her to get pregnant not matter what age she was, she would've taken it because that's what she wanted, that was her choice as a woman. Maybe she was thinking better late than never...

Now I was interested in this story because it hit home sort of. My mother was 38-39 when she had me. She too was worried about having a baby at that age but she was remarried and my father was 28 (yes my mother "the cougar" they call her) so he wanted to have a baby. My sister was 20 and my brother was 18 years old so for my mother it not only was taking risks health wise but mentally for her to start over with diapers, crying etc. I'm glad she decided to have me because obviously I'm wonderful (lol kidding), but she always said that when I was born I rejuvenated her. She felt alive again and even though the age was an issue, she doesn't regret it, one because of my father and two because of the overall blessing and joy a woman experiences when she has a baby.

But now this baby has grown up and my mother has gotten older. This whole process was great for my mother and I imagine also for the new 66 year old mother. But when you think about the child, it's not fair. The older mother is probably not going to live a long time, I mean I'm not God but she isn't going to be able to run and actively take care of the baby. Then soon it's going to be the baby taking care of her and that's prob going to start sooner than usual.

My mother couldn't be as active for games and things, I had to rely on my much older brother and sisters. Another thing is that our thoughts are so different because of the gap and don't get me wrong my mother and I have the a great relationship but I do wish my mother was younger. The most worrisome thing I deal with is, losing her. I'm so afraid of her leaving me, I can't imagine it but it's reality. I'm 24 and she 63, I want her to see my kids and just grow old with me. I want my children to experience her.. She isn't sick or anything but my niece is 21 and the others are 14-19 so they got to grow up with a grandmother and remember everything about her. I don't want to rush and have children but of it but it's something I do think about and struggle with. This is my case imagine the child of this woman, you have to worry if anything happens to her, who is going to care for the infant?

I don't want to say that I'm against this and mad about it because it's her choice. But I don't agree with it, it comes off some what selfish.

Interesting topic.

Opinions?

Thanx for your time,

Simply Denisi <3

Bathroom Remodeling NIGHTMARE

OK well I'm going through IT!! I've been almost in tears for ALMOST 2 weeks. My bathroom was basically molding into pieces so my landlord (thank God) decided to do my entire bathroom over. The contractor came over Monday (5/4) and said he was going to start working on it the next day. I was happy to get it over with and indeed Tuesday they came demoed the everything so I was unable to use my bathtub but luckily my parents live a few blacks away so I can take a shower there.

Wednesday rolls around and just my luck the contractor has an emergency job and wasn't able to return until the following TUEDAY!!! yup that's 5/12!!!! So that's one week without a bathroom, just a room with no door and a tiolet (thank God for at least that). So Tuesday he discovered more mold then the pic above so he bascally took down ALL the walls. I dont have pictures of that because my camera has no battery (nice!).

Now we are here on friday (5/15) sheet rock is on wall, no tile, no plaster, not able to shower in my apartment! WTF thats almost 2 weeks with no bathroom!! I so hope this is worth it.. I want the ability to shower in my own house and just come home from work and chill.. Jeez..

Just venting!!

Is it the contractor's fault? I don't know because he couldnt prevent emergencies or the crap that was going in my bathroom BUT I feel that he could be working a little bit faster instead of 3 to 4 hours a day. I feel I can't call the landlord to complain because the contractor is like family lol.. SOO I'm caught UP! I dont know what to DO! I need Jesus lol... Im hoping he will work this weekend and be done at least WEDNESDAY!

God I feel like crying, I just want it to be over!

Happy Monday.. Happy Belated Mama's DAY!

Good evening my dear readers.. Yesterday I decided to create a real full blown website. It'll contain not only my blog but my wanna-be modeling photos and little bio and where I'm going with creation.

I'm a little nervous because I haven't applied to grad school and I've missed all application deadlines, I decided to go to NYU and now I need some help. Tomorrow I will email my helper to see if they can create a miracle and get me in. If not I will have to wait until Fall of 2010 to start and I definitely don't want that.

I've also been reading Naturally Thin: Unleash your skinny girl. I love it! I love the author, she is from The Housewives of NYC show on Bravo. She is the best and the most entertaining. Her book basically give you ten rules that your should follow to take control of your eating habits. I was a little iffy about the book because I'm like this bitch has never been fat so what can she tell me about the struggle. I'm reading up on rule number 3 and so far so good. Its common sense but sometimes you need to be told the obvious to actually realize whats happening. So I'm enjoying the book during my train rides.

Mother's Day was okay this year. I spent the entire day with my mother and my sister came by with my nephews for a few. And that's about it. I wish I could've done more but nowadays we are in a recession so we are on a budget. Next year I defintly want to throw my mother a big birthday bash because this year we didn't do anything.

So that's a little wrap up on my monday.. Well have a wonderful good night..

Simply Denisi <3.

Thought for Food?

Well so far so good in my skinny girl movement but it is a struggle changing these habits. This week I haven't done the 3 day diet, this week I've been trying to watch my intake and try to not go over 500 calories on every meal. That's sometimes is hard because my mother's cooking is not calorie measured so I eat a REALLY small portion or when we go to a restaurant egh the will power! but I'm trying.

As far as how I'm feeling, I'm feeling much better... I have a lot more energy, I feel more in control of myself. I don't really see results physically yet but it's okay.

Sometimes I do feel like oh my god I just want to pig out and have something GOOD! But I have to stop myself and shake it off. And just say no!

Our obsession with food is just crazy. I say us because I know I'm not the only one. Why is eating healthy so dam hard?? I mean come on! When did we become this fat?!! This society has become a fast food craving, barely exercising and morbidly obese one. In NY they "cleaned" the streets up and closed many strip clubs. There can't be a strip club by a school or a church and there can't be strip clubs close to each other. OK that helped, I guess but when are they going to do that with fast food places? Why in a 5 block radius I have a Burger King, 2 McDonald's, White Castle, Wendy's, Papa Johns, 2 Dunkin Donuts, 2 Baskin Robbins and about 6 pizza shops, 4 Mexican places, 2 Spanish restaurants, 4 Diners, 8 Chinese takeout and not to mention Pizza hut, Domino's deliver here but only 1 health food store. Whats that about?

Is there a possibility "they" are making us fat?The more fat we get, the more unhealthy we are so the more doctors we need, more operations, more weight loss programs, need more money therefore waste more money. It's all like a cycle! Why can't they regulate fast food restaurants or at least the food that they serve. The city made a big deal strippers influencing our kids but what about this "fat" problem not only affecting but sometimes even killing our kids?
Just food for thought...

Well its getting late.. Have a great night! BTW this posting time is pacific time, so here it's 12:15 AM..

Always Smiling,

Simply Denisi <3

Obessed - The Movie Review

So let's turn into a movie critic for a lil minute but I dont know how this movie did in the rest of the United States but in New York the lines were cutting corners..

Ok so Beyonce. I just have to saw I love her, her music, attitude, her deminor.. Yea I'm a fan. But do I love her as a actress? Um I don't know, I dont want to say she is a bad actress. It's maybe because we are so used to seeing her as a singer and performer that it's hard to make that switch but overall I wasn't impressed.

The movie had it's intense moments in the middle but you still knew what was going to happen and the "fighting" scenes very fugazzi and boring..

Out of 5 Denisi Dz.. I give the movie 2 (D D D D D) . lol . Its a movie that you can wait on DVD or just bootleg it..

Just my thoughts.. I know the movie came out almost a month ago and I went to go see it the first day but I just got around to his lil review..

Skinny Girl Mentality

Four weeks ago I decided I wanted to develop I healthier Denisi and so embarked in my skinny girl mission. What do I mean by skinny girl mission??

Well you see skinny girls like models or the ones at the gym, are always watching what they eat.. They always get the healthy things at the store and get a salad instead of a burger at restaurants. They keep up with the exercising to make sure they don't gain a pound and are always ready for their close up.. It's a healthy conscience mentality where you are conscience of what you are putting in your body and making sure your are not only looking great but also feeling great.

I named it skinny girl instead of healthy girl because bascially skinny girl sounds better. :) If I put healthy in the equation then it's going to have to be healthy woman and woman?? No I want to hold on to my youth for as long as I can and be referred to as a "girl".

So skinny girl is the mission and skinny girl I am!

I've been on my mission for 4 weeks now and it's been working out nicely even though I relapsed last week but I'm back!! I've noticed how careless I've ate all this time. Not taking into consideration what I'm putting in my body, just looking for the gratification of the good taste. I just ate when I wanted to and what I wanted to and felt I had control. (woow smh) I realized that was not having control it was actually quite the opposite. I overate everyday! Every time I felt happy, I ate, every time I felt excited, I ate, every time I felt sad, I ate. Every time anything happened I ATE! I ate and I gained weight. Don't get me wrong I like being a chub. Chub chub more to love but I don't want to be a unhealthy chub so I'm changing it up with my skinny girl mentality.



When I go to a restaurant I have to order a burger or fat filled pasta and then eat it until I can't eat anymore? But a skinny girl goes the a restaurant has the burger or the pasta but eats about half or orders a hearty salad?? Why because she cares about herself and she is not going to pack on extra calories and fat if it's unnecessary. At my job we order lunch everyday and we order BBQ ribs or steak sandwiches or Chinese food then I get home and it's more takeout. No! why?? So much money, I was making a down payment for a heart attack. I'm taking control! Eating less.. my focus is not on food. I'll have a fruit, crackers, some tuna, a salad or soup, something quick and easy just to satisfy my hunger and if I go out with friends or go to my parents house I'll have a meal but won't pile on my plate just a little of everything, like a what? Yup a skinny girl.



I'll admit it's a lot harder than it sounds. I relapse here and there but I get over it and jump back on. When I order fast food before I order, I tell myself... Order like a skinny girl... and try to get as less as possible. This is my forth week thinking like a skinny girl and I'm 22 pounds lighter. Now I don't weight myself every other day or every week because I don't want to focus on pounds, I want to focus on myself and how I feel. Hopefully this will be a long term or even a life long change. It's hard to break a good tasting bad habit so I have to constantly remind myself .. Hey skinny girl!!..

So I can get used to eating less and not focusing on food and what I'm going to eat next, I've tried the 3 day diet for the past 4 weeks. This week I've also started working out a little about 30 min of cardio at least 3 days a week so let's see how that works out..

I will keep this movement going and in one month will post a skinny girl update..

Thanx for the support,

Simply Denisi.

Happy Tuesday!

I hope everyone had a great weekend and a happy Monday and Tuesday..

Mine? My weekend was just fabulous, really mellow just how I like it. I went to see Obsessed (review to come) then went dinner with a friend in downtown Brooklyn while my husband went paintballing. Sunday I spent it with my parents in their house just catching up and listening to my mother's rants on how my siblings don't show her enough love and how she wants to retire to Dominican Republic yesterday. I love spending time with my parents especially my mother, I mean my mother is my life. I can't imagine what I will do without her because I know no matter what happens I feel I have her there. I'm her little girl and no matter how old I get she treats me like she needs to take care of me. And I have to admit, I like it but when she starts looking at me with this ugh look and starts preaching on what I can do to be a better version of Denise, it's time to go. Then its off to my apartment to my own little world.

Then it was Monday back to work ugh.. One good thing did happen, I went to the gym. I did a small workout with my co-workers and it was great! More to come on my skinny girl mentality mission.

And now it's Tuesday, a little sore but we're a little closer to Friday ahhh...

Being that my job has been so slow, I've began working on my goals and planning how I'm going to accomplish them. Today I whipped out my statement of purpose I wrote the last time I applied to graduate school and one of my goals in the statement was to receive my graduate degree by the time I'm 25, well I'm turning 25 in September and I haven't even started. But now I'm going to get re focused and I CAN'T WAIT!

I'm going to learn new office tools so I maybe get a chance to move up in this company and I have to apply to graduate school. I have a list of about ten majors that I would be interested in. So this week I'm going to buckle down and apply!! How exciting, I can't wait.. I've also made a finicial plan so I can rid of these credit cards. So by the end of year 2009 I'll be a graduate student and almost debt free! yes..

Yours Truly...

simply Denisi <3

Newly Domesticated?

So I got married on November 22, 2008. I've been with my husband for 4 years and living with him for 2. My husband and I get along for the most part, he is my best friend and my second half but I'm battling with one part of this whole married thing and the domestic part. I don't know, I thought maybe it would come natural as soon as we got married. Well I thought wrong.

I find this very funny because I can't get myself to cook everyday or even a couple of times a week or clean everyday. I don't spend countless hours shining my pots like maybe I should. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a messy person, during the week small messes acumulate here and there and on saturday or sunday I get up and clean my house. But as far as cooking, I'm not a cook. I don't know many receipes just basic spanish food, then I would have to go food shopping. Then season everything and then it doesn't even taste right because I'm extremely rusty.. grrrr I'm having a hard time with this, it's more a hassle then enjoyment. Maybe when I start having children it'll get better but what happens in the mean time? My poor husband has to suffer? He loves home cooked meals and he is good guy lol he eats everything I attempt to cook. When I feel like having a spanish home cooked meal I call my mother and put in my order so to speak, and by the time I get there it's ready.

I don't know what the deal is with me!! Not to offend anyone but I'm SPANISH!! Wasn't I supposed to be born with this?? I'm just supposed to know these things. My mother is in her 60s and she comes home from work and immediately starts cooking and cleaning. This was what I was raised looking at. This was always the example of married life I experienced. As far as my husband, he is used to the same thing. His mother always had everyone's food seperated and ready to eat when he got home. I want to be that for him. I want to be the wife he signed up for.

I know I come home from work around six-ish and first I need to relax and watch some of my shows on my DVR. I think, hmm what am I going to have for dinner? Open the fridge get some water and order takeout. My husband gets home midnight or a little past midnight so depending what I'm getting I'll get him something and thats it! By the time I know it it's time to go to bed.

I try to make sense of this whole situation I have going on. I think maybe it's because I'm home alone most of the time so I'm not inspired? Is anyone out there going to through this dilema? HELP!

I'm going to do my part in, it's time I mature that part of our lives. He satifies all my request so why shouldn't I satisfy this one request of his? I'm going to put in work and post a update in about 2 weeks on this topic.

Keeping my fingers,

Simply Denisi <3

Welcome to Simply Denisi

I would like to officially welcome you to my blog.

Well I finally have my domain worked out (simplyDenisi.com) and now I'm just reading about how to make my blog hot fire so I can update this hopefully daily and wow you with my life or not.

I feel like this new person is sort of emerging. Since me wedding I've decided to live free and really become who ever I want to be (with my husband of course). I'm working on becoming more in touch with me and no matter what anyone says or no matter what anyone thinks do what I feel. I don't want to be afraid of taking risks or scared to put myself out there. When I walk into a room I don't want to impress anyone or look for any one's approval. I want to walk in to a room and feel confident in myself. You see I sometimes felt alone even though I had people around me like my family and my small circle of friends. I felt I was weird, an outcast and no one cared about me or what I had to say.

I'm tired of feeling that way because who cares. Why am I feeling alone when I have myself the only person who is supposed to care. I have to like me, I have to feel comfortable with myself. Who cares if no one is preying attention as long as I'm doing what feels good to me and making myself feel good. No one is watching me, I've grown up my mother is not responsible for me anymore, I'm responsible for me. I now have the same circle of people around me but I don't feel lonely anymore. I'm working on developing myself, mentally and physically.

Since I was 12 years old I've had long curly blonde or close to blonde. I've thought about cutting my hair but what will people think, what if I don't look right, they'll make fun of me. Fat girls don't look right with short hair, my husband loves long hair, he's not going to love me. But you know what why not. IIII wanted a change, I went to the salon and cut it off. I was like I don't care. If I don't feel comfortable with the shortness I'll work with it until it grows back. Now I love my hair, I've cut it until my chin and dyed it dark brown and I love it. I've never loved my hair this much. I don't care what people think because I feel good about it. When I came around with my new hair color they weren't too crazy about it. I kept it blonde before because the first time I dyed it people complimented me so much. I felt like I had to keep it up even though it was a hassle but it complimented my eyes and people felt it enhanced my beauty. But what about what I had to go through when my black roots would start growing in? What about how damaged my hair was because of all the chemicals? No one cares or minds those things because they are not me. I'm not a celebrity, I'm not here for the people. No more... So I did what I wanted, felt like doing and I couldn't be happier.

It's me.

Well it's been lovely.

Until next time.

Simply Denisi.

World Premire.. First blog being Simply Denisi...

(clearing my throat) um... Is this mic on??
Wow... so here we go...
Well I feel like I have a lot to say but no way to voice it so this is a nice opportunity to just talk.. I've made my list of goals for the year and one is them was to get ready for my book and start a diary and here we go 4/20/09 the first of many. You see I'm just a regular chick that many people seem to overlook. I'm quiet and unless you know me and I get comfortable, you really wouldn't know what's on my mind. I don't really have any deep issues or am I a weirdo that doesn't have anything to do. I'm just someone with a opinion. I'm Denise, 24 a newlywed as of Nov 22, 2008. I graduated from Hunter College in 2007 with a degree in Psychology. I'm working at a utility company as a sales rep which has nothing to do with my degree or my career goals but in this economy you have to take it where ever you can get it. It's not a bad paying job but just an extremely boring job. But as soon as I get an opportunity I'M OUT!! lol
And now about my personality.. I'm a really nice person, I think before I react, I take everyone's feeling into consideration most of time.. I don't like to deal with BS, drama, negativity or fakeness. I'm 100% real and 100% honest.. If you ask me I will tell you honestly..
My issue... now you know everyone's not 100% perfect.. So what's my issue?? My weight and what gets to me is that sometimes it's a bigger issue for the people around me (except my husband) than it is for me.. You see I was born is 11 pounds so I've been over weight since day one.. So ALL ALL ALLLLLL my life I've been hearing how much I should lose weight. How much prettier I would be. How much healthier I would be (mind you there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, health wise). How much more I would enjoy life and how much more boys would like me and people would like me if I just lose weight. I've grown up with this complex that there is no way I can be happy. It would be impossible to be happy while having this extra weight.
But now look married, college grad and I'm pretty happy with mine. How?
So I want to write a book- Diaries of a phat fat girl.. One day I will finish it... But here I've started, no one might care about this and this may just be boring talk from a nobody who is rambling on about nothing.. But I don't need anyone to care because this is for me...

Well nice to meet me?

Until next time...

Simply Denisi.