Spouse Dependency: How much is good?

Seeing my parents together as a child painted a picture of what I didn't want to have, what i didn't want to become. My mother came to the US when she was an adolescent and has been traveling back and forth from Dominican Republic and is ten years my fathers senior. My parents met in DR and migrated to NY to start a new life together. My mother found a decent job in the garment district but my father on the other had had a very hard time with this new world, the new language, the American culture. Since he didn't know the language or any trade or education he had to settle working at a sugar factory making close to nothing. For as long as I can remember my mother was the bread winner in our home but she never made no mention of it. I didn't know until I was older.

When I was a teenager he got a job as a superintendent and a few weeks later my mother was laid off and the tables turned. With that came all kinds of changes, change I will never forget. He was now the breadwinner, he paid the bills, and then I guess he felt power, the MAN. This is when it got bad, when they would have arguments he would shoot back well this is my house and you can leave. Everything he did, every penny he paid he made sure we knew, and we felt it. This was when the verbal abuse got real bad the worst. He would tear my mother apart with his words and made us feel worthless. I would beg my mother to leave him but her answer was always, "where are we going to go?". My mother was trying to find another job but her work was being shipped over seas for cheap labor and the jobs that remained would only be enough for the rent. She felt stuck and like she had to suck it up and be strong in order for me to have a roof over my head.

While this was going on my sister started having some of the same issues with her spouse. He also became a superintendent, was verbally abusive and my sister was stuck but she refused. She worked hard and held on tight for a few months, packed up her and her 3 children and bought her home. She refused to be in a unhealthy situation that didn't meet her needs. She went through a lot but she was focused and determined on making her life work and moving on to have a peaceful mind and environment for her children. I was and still am proud of her beyond words, I look up to her and because of her I know I can do it.

During my situation, I hated the way I felt and as a confused adolescent, my attitude was like eff the world but then as a I got older and saw my sister going through it and survive alone, the question of "what I am going to do so I can get out of this situation?" I never want to feel like I have to rely or depend on anyone again. I won't let a man define me, I rather be by myself and adopt children than be with someone who mistreats me. I will never go through it, I've made it clear to all my relationships and to my friends and family. If they see me tell me so I can be aware and snap out of it. That was my motivation for turning my life around and started working towards finishing my high school diploma, going to college, getting a job, everything! Everything I do is for me, my future, and my future children. I don't want to owe anyone anything, I don't want to be taken care of so that when they feel they can belittle me. I rather live under a cardboard box and call it my own than be with someone because I need them to survive, to pay my bills, to take care of me and be unhappy. We don't need anyone to survive but ourselves, our motivation is what helps us make it and if you work and believe towards where you want to be, you will get there. There may be bumps on the way teaching you lessons but keep on going, never stop, everything happens for a reason and you will get where you want to be and destined to be.

In my household sometimes I struggle with the issues of my past because sometimes I get scared and I'm very quick to want to bail because I can. Relationships take work and nothing is never perfect but I always make sure I'm comfortable, that I'm happy and that I'm willing to put of and work through some issues because I want to not because I have to. I make sure there is a balance, I don't let others get in the way of me as an individual, of what I want my family to be and what I want to do and get out of life. I always keep in the back of my head that there is a chance I can end up alone with my children and I'm okay with that. Sometimes it feels like I'm in a lonely place but if there is no one in this earth that can be equal with me,  do something for me or our family without throwing it back in my face or hold it as ammunition to make a point, then it's meant to be and I shall be alone. The only person I trust 100%, I'm not afraid to ask for help, trust with my life, I know always has me at number one and has always ALWAYS been there for me eventhough we go through our issues and she has her own, is my mother. I try to figure out what am I going to do when she leaves me. The thought scares me, I hope to have children by then so I can cope better.

Many great powerful, strong women are not married or with anyone and I understand why.

My story continues, let's see what happens...
I will always be okay, I'm a survivor.

Just Me ...

Rainy day in NYC and I'm at work ugh! I've been feeling a little blue lately and sometimes I'm experiencing these mini-anxiety attacks. (what's that about?) And no I'm not PMSing. I've been under pressure from no one in particular just myself; some financial, some personal. I've just been feeling very alone and insecure; no one gets me. I don't have a best friend and I really haven't had one since high school and sometimes it really gets to me. I have friends but no one that I feel comfortable enough to burden with my issues or thoughts. I have my husband but I don't want to burden him either. I just sometimes need a friend not just any friend but an exclusive best friend. It might sound silly and even a little immature but everyone (my friends) seem to have their own best friend so I don't want to be like second best friend or something.

My best friend was like the best, I loved her like family, like a sister. I would kill and die for her and I felt the same way back. I mean she knew everything about me and I knew everything about her. Barely fought or had disagreements. We had the greatest time together we were bad girls together and were good girls together. Always had something to speak about. Everything we did and anywhere we went, we were together. I just felt like I had someone there for me. Sometimes I don't like going to places alone or planning things alone and sometimes I just want someone's opinion. And I don't have that right now. It's just me, myself and I.

Sometimes I don't mind being by myself, I pretty independent and I love having me time. I sit home, watch TV or just sit a think. I think about my goals and what am I going to do. I plan my me day when I'm home alone, I plan my menu for the day, my movie list, my music play list, my comfy clothes and just chill. If I need to cry I do, I reminisce, I do my makeup and I take pictures. lol It may seem corny and boring but I work my inner Denise out. Its feels a lot better than it sounds. Its sounds a little crazy but it's not lol I hope lol.It's a little secret that I guess isn't a little secret anymore. :)

Right now I'm just going through somethings.. I'm dealing with a new school and just adapting to being an A student which I've never worked that hard. So now I'm scared of failing. I'm scared that I'm going to spend so much time effort and money then at the end I still won't be accepted to the program. I'm scared to face the reality that I'm just a dumb chubby latina. I know I'm not but in this school that I'm going to be have honor students, people working towards their doctorate, well spoken professionals. Then you have me..

In one hand I'm excited to go to school and aim for the best and be around all these intellect professional but in the other I feel under qualified, i feel super young and immature. I tell myself nah you bugging Denise you can do why not, you just have to put your all into it. BUT I can't help it, I just can't stop. I feel like a scared 5 year old going to her first day of school every time! I tell myself everything is going to be okay; but is it really? What happens if it's not? Then what all this hard work for nothing because it's still not going to be good enough? I think about it and I get nervous, my heart starts beating super fast, my eyes water and I feel crazy (anxiety). But I can't do anything about it, just do what I can.

BUT THEN..

I'm pretty independent. I like doing things myself so that then in case whatever happens I don't owe anyone anything or if things go bad I don't have anyone to blame but myself.

My husband works at a university, a prestigious university in NY, because he is an employee his family can attend the school for free. I took advantage but my grades weren't good enough to get into the school so they allowed me to take 2 courses as a "non-student" so I can then apply to and have a better chance. They said you only have to pay the school fees and the taxes. I get the bill and its $700 and I'm like this is going to be GREAT! I wish! Last week they have started bascially taking an extra $200 in taxes fro my husbands paycheck and they will do that for the next 10 weeks! YES 10 weeks!! That's $2000 in taxes! I mean it's still a good deal to go to this school but charge me! I dont have this kind of money to pay him back. We have bills, super credit cards. This is just a huge set back.

I know, he is my husband, we are a family. my bills are his bills, visa-versa. He hasn't complained but still. I feel bad and even worse that I dont have 200 a week so maybe I can put on one of his bills. So I've decided I'm not going back to school until I can either pay him or take a loan to cover our expenses. BUT I can't take a loan until I am officially accepted to the counseling program. UGH!

Everything goes as God planned it to be...

If anyone is out there please pray for me.. I really really want this.
Well until next time. Peace and good health.
simplyDenisi <3

I'm Back!

I'm back in business, I hope I wasn't missed that much and everyone has had a wonderful and healthy month!

After multiple doctor and hospital visits, a blood transfusion and all sorts of medications, I'm revived! I have a possible thyroid problem which messes with my hormones and cranial hypertension (IIH) which gives me a non stop headache and it's getting better. My mother finally arrived from the Dominican Republic and has nursed me back to health. Thank God for mothers, I don't know what I would've done without her. I took almost two weeks off from work and dedicated time to me and it felt wonderful.

I'm in the process of giving myself a mini makeover and just renewing my look. I really want to give my apartment a makeover but that would be much more expensive.

I feel like my old self again! I felt like I've been lost for years when it has been months but I'm glad everything has worked out and nothing crucial happened.

I'm thankful for my mother, my hasband and my sister for all their care. It's nice to feel you have people around you that you can count on and are just there to love you and embrace you. My husband never let go of my hand and I always knew and felt how much he loves me. My sister is like my second mother, called me every single hour and took me to the doctors and the hospital. She always knows the questions to ask and how to handle every situation. She is a strong woman and I'm glad to have her around as a role model. We as women all need to be strong independent women and she has taught me that. My mother no words can explain what she means to me. No matter how old I get or what I do in life she has the power to make me feel like her little baby. As soon as she got to NY she gave me vitamins, iron juices, just everything. She knew exactly what to do and when. She put me under her wing and made sure I was okay. She took me every where to doctors, the hospital, acupuncture just everything. She prepares breakfast, lunch and dinner to make sure I'm okay. The love and the comfort I feel with her is undescriable, I don't feel that with no one else. I feel my mother is there 100% no matter what.

I hope one day I can just like that with my children and make them feel the same way. It's amazing nothing like your mother.