Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Life After Gastric Bypass: Self Image

For the most part it's great! I feel good about myself and I'm a lot more social and adventurous. I'm not afraid of taking a risks and really push myself in every aspect. I'm happier, feel more attractive, and a lot more comfortable with myself. I notice now that a year ago I was in a bit of denial. There was parts of me that were okay with me but deep down, I knew the deal.

                                         Back then:
I was lazy. Going up stairs was a drag and I would twice twice and three times about walking down a couple of blocks. I was in denial about it when my mother would comment about it, I would say no I'm active and it's not a big deal. I loved dancing and would never turn down a dance so I would tell myself, "You see I'm not lazy!". I would play these psych games with myself and convince myself that I was fine but again deep deep down I knew.

I knew I should go to the gym, I knew I shouldn't of ate that, I knew I was big but didn't realize I was THAT big.

I look at pictures and I'm like wow was I really that big? I ask my husband did I really look like that? He says no but my mother says yes. It's really mind boggling because when I look in the mirror I still see myself as I did back then. I notice my collar bone sticks out a little more now but I'm still Denise. This messes with me because now I'm scared. I'm scared that the person I'm looking at is not what the public looks at. I've become obsessed with makeup and try to wear almost every day. It makes me feel better, I'll be honest almost like a mask. This week I haven't worn any, I don't want this to be me. I don't want to become dependent on anything. I used to be dependent on food (I'm still working on that) and now I'm picking up something else.

I try to keep myself on check by stepping back and really looking at my behaviors. This may sound crazy but I just want to be aware of myself.

Scared of Failure: I'm still scared of failure well I know I hope I can do it but scared of others looking at me and thining wow she should've lost more weight or wow all of that surgery but still look like that?? I had someone ask me today, "so when is your surgery scheduled for?" I was almost in tears. Or when they ask "so how much have u lost? Like 40?", I just want to scream. Ugh. It will get better though.

It's all a process and since it's so life changing, it's very emotional with again high and lows. I'm just rolling with the punches taking the positive with the negative. I'm very optimistic for the future, while living once day at a time. Hope this is a little helpful. If you have any questions or comments dont think twice to leave a comment or shoot me an email.

With Love Always,
SimplyDenisi. <3  

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Life After Post- Gastric Bypass (9 Months)

Life is good with it's ups and down. I'm almost 9 months post-op and am down 110 pounds without even trying. It feels good. I never knew how self conscious I was pre-op, how restricted I felt and especially how different people treat you.

I look back at pictures and I didn't know I was actually that big. I was 315 pounds and felt I didn't look it but I was in denial. But one thing I will admit it took my a while to actually see the difference and still I feel the same but lighter. It's a little hard to explain but since I'm not constantly in front of a mirror, I feel I'm the same person and look pretty much the same. When I put on my old clothes, I'm like wow this is really big on me and it feels good but when I go shopping I still for a second look for my old size 24 then it's like oh yea no I'm a 14 now. When I'm on the train and there is a seat in between 2 people, I still tighten myself and hold my breath and go in slowly because I still don't think I can fit into that small space, only to find out not only do I fit but there is a little more wiggle room. When old friends look at me, I still feel like they are looking at my rolls or big cheeks so I automatically suck in my gut in a little but they are just so surprised on how much I've changed (then I can exhale). When I look at pictures i realize a little more that I've lost some weight but I still have some insecurities.

The Good:
I do feel better fitting into smaller clothes. I feel things look much better but my legs are still on the bigger side (I feel). I feel lighter and not as lazy. I can walk faster and don't mind walking. Going up stairs is a million times easier. I like eating smaller portions. My confidence is higher than it used to be. I'm motivated to go out, dress up more, take care of myself. I feel a whole new world has opened up. People treat me much better, are much nicer to me (which is so sad and makes me a upset because I'm still the same person).

The Bad:
I have a huge fear of gaining weight or not losing enough. I look at other people and they have lost a lot more weight than me (but then again I haven't joined the gym) and now my weight loss has slowed down I'm scared I'm still going to be "fat". Before the surgery I used to say when I get to a size 12 I will feel good and it'll be perfect but now I'm like no I want to be thin. When people look at me I don't want then to think "oh she is chubby", "if she lost 10 more pounds she will be perfect". NO! I want when people to look at me "a weight problem" won't even cross their minds. This is exhausting believe me. I'm extremely happy I got the surgery because I do feel better than I did before but sometimes I feel it's a never ending struggle. I just think one day, one day I won't worry about this. Hopefully.

Well I hope all is good on your side. Today is a very gloomy raining day on mine.

Simply Denisi <3.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

My Lonely Place

Morning Tweet: Hi lonely place, it's been a while..

It's been a while since I've been here. Nothing has changed. Still small, still grey, four walls, one window, one door and 1 favorite corner. I've been here since last night and have yet figured out my way out.

Today, I feel a little blue. I don't really know why (maybe I'm hormonal, lord knows).

Sometimes I feel like I have it all figured out and my life is going as planned. Then all of a sudden, I'm confused, I don't know what I want, what I'm doing. I hate when I'm in this place, because I feel so scared. Deeply scared where I can feel it in my heart. I just want to crawl into a corner and be left alone and just cry it out and scream for my mommy. Things are not clear today, I'm not happy today with anything.

It'll get better, tomorrow is another day but today I just want to think and be to myself.

Just Denisi.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

My Word for 2011

My one word for 2011 is ** Confidence **
~full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing
~belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance
~certitude; assurance

I'm really going to keep this in mind throughout the year. Last year was my year of change, everything was set up but this year is where I follow though with all my changes. I need all my confidence, every bit of it this year so I can lose all my weight, make the decision of when to have children, succeed in school, just everything in my life. Usually I have some confidence in somethings but I have the tendency to second guess myself then lose confidence, eventually want to give up then the depression sets in and so on. I've struggled with confidence but it's my word for this year and like last year this year will be awesome!

I have full trust in myself and my goals
I believe in the powers, trustworthiness and reliability of MYSELF
I will do, I am doing it, I will succeed
I do believe in myself

Simply Confident,
Denisi <3

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

2011: New Year ... New Ideas

January 2010 Lemmy was born!
Oh how I'm going to miss you. You were so good to me, my life changed so much during your year.
-was accepted to a MSW program
-started school
-had my surgery
-lost 75 pounds
-grew up a little more
-learned more about life, love
-made new friends 

March 2010 Visited Disney for the 1st time!
 I got most if not everything I wanted out of the year, I have no complaints, no regrets just two thumbs up. Now it's time for a new year, and figure out what i want out of it. I think this year is going to be my education year. I want to educate myself as much as possible. I want to read and learn more about branding and marketing, about creating my website, about making a business successful, and about taking control of my finances.

This year:
June 2010
-read more books
-save money
-get out of debt as much as possible
-lose more weight
-buy a car, or at least drive one
-travel to somewhere new
-excerise more, gym membership
-remember birthdays
-stay positive
-stay growing

July 2010 Dominican Republic

July 2010 Dominican Republic

Day 3 after surgery August 2010
September 2010 Amelie is born!

October 2010 Carol is married!

November 2010 in love with Amelie!


Christmas Eve 2010

Christmas Eve 2010
December 2010

I'm proud of who I became in 2010 and who I'm going to be for 2011. Happy New Year world! Hoping the best for everyone!

Spouse Dependency: How much is good?

Seeing my parents together as a child painted a picture of what I didn't want to have, what i didn't want to become. My mother came to the US when she was an adolescent and has been traveling back and forth from Dominican Republic and is ten years my fathers senior. My parents met in DR and migrated to NY to start a new life together. My mother found a decent job in the garment district but my father on the other had had a very hard time with this new world, the new language, the American culture. Since he didn't know the language or any trade or education he had to settle working at a sugar factory making close to nothing. For as long as I can remember my mother was the bread winner in our home but she never made no mention of it. I didn't know until I was older.

When I was a teenager he got a job as a superintendent and a few weeks later my mother was laid off and the tables turned. With that came all kinds of changes, change I will never forget. He was now the breadwinner, he paid the bills, and then I guess he felt power, the MAN. This is when it got bad, when they would have arguments he would shoot back well this is my house and you can leave. Everything he did, every penny he paid he made sure we knew, and we felt it. This was when the verbal abuse got real bad the worst. He would tear my mother apart with his words and made us feel worthless. I would beg my mother to leave him but her answer was always, "where are we going to go?". My mother was trying to find another job but her work was being shipped over seas for cheap labor and the jobs that remained would only be enough for the rent. She felt stuck and like she had to suck it up and be strong in order for me to have a roof over my head.

While this was going on my sister started having some of the same issues with her spouse. He also became a superintendent, was verbally abusive and my sister was stuck but she refused. She worked hard and held on tight for a few months, packed up her and her 3 children and bought her home. She refused to be in a unhealthy situation that didn't meet her needs. She went through a lot but she was focused and determined on making her life work and moving on to have a peaceful mind and environment for her children. I was and still am proud of her beyond words, I look up to her and because of her I know I can do it.

During my situation, I hated the way I felt and as a confused adolescent, my attitude was like eff the world but then as a I got older and saw my sister going through it and survive alone, the question of "what I am going to do so I can get out of this situation?" I never want to feel like I have to rely or depend on anyone again. I won't let a man define me, I rather be by myself and adopt children than be with someone who mistreats me. I will never go through it, I've made it clear to all my relationships and to my friends and family. If they see me tell me so I can be aware and snap out of it. That was my motivation for turning my life around and started working towards finishing my high school diploma, going to college, getting a job, everything! Everything I do is for me, my future, and my future children. I don't want to owe anyone anything, I don't want to be taken care of so that when they feel they can belittle me. I rather live under a cardboard box and call it my own than be with someone because I need them to survive, to pay my bills, to take care of me and be unhappy. We don't need anyone to survive but ourselves, our motivation is what helps us make it and if you work and believe towards where you want to be, you will get there. There may be bumps on the way teaching you lessons but keep on going, never stop, everything happens for a reason and you will get where you want to be and destined to be.

In my household sometimes I struggle with the issues of my past because sometimes I get scared and I'm very quick to want to bail because I can. Relationships take work and nothing is never perfect but I always make sure I'm comfortable, that I'm happy and that I'm willing to put of and work through some issues because I want to not because I have to. I make sure there is a balance, I don't let others get in the way of me as an individual, of what I want my family to be and what I want to do and get out of life. I always keep in the back of my head that there is a chance I can end up alone with my children and I'm okay with that. Sometimes it feels like I'm in a lonely place but if there is no one in this earth that can be equal with me,  do something for me or our family without throwing it back in my face or hold it as ammunition to make a point, then it's meant to be and I shall be alone. The only person I trust 100%, I'm not afraid to ask for help, trust with my life, I know always has me at number one and has always ALWAYS been there for me eventhough we go through our issues and she has her own, is my mother. I try to figure out what am I going to do when she leaves me. The thought scares me, I hope to have children by then so I can cope better.

Many great powerful, strong women are not married or with anyone and I understand why.

My story continues, let's see what happens...
I will always be okay, I'm a survivor.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Non supportive mother

My mother comes over today because I'm sick so she brought me soup. Before she comes in I have to make sure everything is in it's place, I change clothes so i can look/feel skinny, I do everything so that maybe just maybe she can one day be somewhat, a little impressed or compliment me or my life. I don't let it absorb me but it is in the back of my head when I'm around her.

Well today she sits in my living room and

she asks me so "how much have u lost?"
Me: About 75 lbs (with a smile thinking she is going to be impressed because it's only been 4 months)
Her: you still have a lotta stomach. U have to lose weight in your stomach
Me: ok

I look away trying to fight the tears thinking here we go and why?? Why must she do that?!?! I'm mad, I'm sad but I swallow it change the conversation and move on...

Just another day in the life of the phat fat girl...