2011: New Year ... New Ideas

2010: 

January 2010 Lemmy was born!

Oh how I'm going to miss you. You were so good to me, my life changed so much during your year.

-was accepted to a MSW program

-started school

-had my surgery

-lost 75 pounds

-traveled

-grew up a little more

-learned more about life, love

-made new friends 



March 2010 Visited Disney for the 1st time!

 I got most if not everything I wanted out of the year, I have no complaints, no regrets just two thumbs up. Now it's time for a new year, and figure out what i want out of it. I think this year is going to be my education year. I want to educate myself as much as possible. I want to read and learn more about branding and marketing, about creating my website, about making a business successful, and about taking control of my finances.

This year:

June 2010

-read more books

-save money

-get out of debt as much as possible
-lose more weight
-buy a car, or at least drive one
-travel to somewhere new
-excerise more, gym membership
-remember birthdays

-stay positive

-stay growing

 

July 2010 Dominican Republic

 


July 2010 Dominican Republic

Day 3 after surgery August 2010

  

September 2010 Amelie is born!

 



October 2010 Carol is married!

  



November 2010 in love with Amelie!



 


 
 

Christmas Eve 2010



Christmas Eve 2010

  

December 2010



I'm proud of who I became in 2010 and who I'm going to be for 2011. Happy New Year world! Hoping the best for everyone!



Spouse Dependency: How much is good?

Seeing my parents together as a child painted a picture of what I didn't want to have, what i didn't want to become. My mother came to the US when she was an adolescent and has been traveling back and forth from Dominican Republic and is ten years my fathers senior. My parents met in DR and migrated to NY to start a new life together. My mother found a decent job in the garment district but my father on the other had had a very hard time with this new world, the new language, the American culture. Since he didn't know the language or any trade or education he had to settle working at a sugar factory making close to nothing. For as long as I can remember my mother was the bread winner in our home but she never made no mention of it. I didn't know until I was older.

When I was a teenager he got a job as a superintendent and a few weeks later my mother was laid off and the tables turned. With that came all kinds of changes, change I will never forget. He was now the breadwinner, he paid the bills, and then I guess he felt power, the MAN. This is when it got bad, when they would have arguments he would shoot back well this is my house and you can leave. Everything he did, every penny he paid he made sure we knew, and we felt it. This was when the verbal abuse got real bad the worst. He would tear my mother apart with his words and made us feel worthless. I would beg my mother to leave him but her answer was always, "where are we going to go?". My mother was trying to find another job but her work was being shipped over seas for cheap labor and the jobs that remained would only be enough for the rent. She felt stuck and like she had to suck it up and be strong in order for me to have a roof over my head.

While this was going on my sister started having some of the same issues with her spouse. He also became a superintendent, was verbally abusive and my sister was stuck but she refused. She worked hard and held on tight for a few months, packed up her and her 3 children and bought her home. She refused to be in a unhealthy situation that didn't meet her needs. She went through a lot but she was focused and determined on making her life work and moving on to have a peaceful mind and environment for her children. I was and still am proud of her beyond words, I look up to her and because of her I know I can do it.

During my situation, I hated the way I felt and as a confused adolescent, my attitude was like eff the world but then as a I got older and saw my sister going through it and survive alone, the question of "what I am going to do so I can get out of this situation?" I never want to feel like I have to rely or depend on anyone again. I won't let a man define me, I rather be by myself and adopt children than be with someone who mistreats me. I will never go through it, I've made it clear to all my relationships and to my friends and family. If they see me tell me so I can be aware and snap out of it. That was my motivation for turning my life around and started working towards finishing my high school diploma, going to college, getting a job, everything! Everything I do is for me, my future, and my future children. I don't want to owe anyone anything, I don't want to be taken care of so that when they feel they can belittle me. I rather live under a cardboard box and call it my own than be with someone because I need them to survive, to pay my bills, to take care of me and be unhappy. We don't need anyone to survive but ourselves, our motivation is what helps us make it and if you work and believe towards where you want to be, you will get there. There may be bumps on the way teaching you lessons but keep on going, never stop, everything happens for a reason and you will get where you want to be and destined to be.

In my household sometimes I struggle with the issues of my past because sometimes I get scared and I'm very quick to want to bail because I can. Relationships take work and nothing is never perfect but I always make sure I'm comfortable, that I'm happy and that I'm willing to put of and work through some issues because I want to not because I have to. I make sure there is a balance, I don't let others get in the way of me as an individual, of what I want my family to be and what I want to do and get out of life. I always keep in the back of my head that there is a chance I can end up alone with my children and I'm okay with that. Sometimes it feels like I'm in a lonely place but if there is no one in this earth that can be equal with me,  do something for me or our family without throwing it back in my face or hold it as ammunition to make a point, then it's meant to be and I shall be alone. The only person I trust 100%, I'm not afraid to ask for help, trust with my life, I know always has me at number one and has always ALWAYS been there for me eventhough we go through our issues and she has her own, is my mother. I try to figure out what am I going to do when she leaves me. The thought scares me, I hope to have children by then so I can cope better.

Many great powerful, strong women are not married or with anyone and I understand why.

My story continues, let's see what happens...
I will always be okay, I'm a survivor.

2010 Update

Well well, hello hello ...

I know I know.. What my deal?? I go MIA and come in and out.. Where do I go, what do I do.. Well I've been here getting everything together. Going to doctors appointments, registering for school, working...

Sooooo I got into grad school (YAYAYYYYY!) so in a few weeks I'm on my way to an MSW (Master's in Social Work). I'm so happy, so proud of myself. I want to do so much, I want to change lives, I want to help people. I want to show everyone YES we ALL can!! A spick girl from Queens, NY who was almost a high school drop out made it. Made it to graduate school, made it where I want to be. Everything I've put my mind to it, I've accomplished, with a few bumps but I've made it. After my degree I hope to one day open my business. I want to open a counseling center or an after school program for adolescents or something to help the community, my borough, my city, my state and someday maybe the nation and who knows the world lol.. I know, I know now I'm just thinking crazy. But who knows maybe one day.  Very proud and grateful!

Another note something else is also happening. In November 2009 I started considering gastric bypass and in July everything was finalized and approved. I had my surgery date for July 22, 2010 but I was too anemic and they postponed it. Now I'm okay everything has been cleared and it's going to happen any day now. I'm excited I can't wait til I see and feel results. I've been feeling sick and fat for a year now and I can't wait until I feel normal. I want to be healthy again, I want to start my family, I want to fit into rides at amusement parks and just feel NORMAL!. I've always have been big but I've felt great with my size 16-18 but last year I was really anemic and I couldn't exercise, I could barely move, I slept most of the day because I was so tired. My hemoglobin was at 6-7 and I felt terrible. Since then I've gained 40-50 pounds and now I feel slow, big, double chinned and just big. But hopefully in a few months this will all change.

I've been researching the surgery everyday, reading blogs, reading research, life pre-op, life post op, just everything. I feel like I have a good grasp on it and hopefully everything works out as long as I follow the guidelines and my doctors instructions. (..sigh..) yea man I've signed up for another adventure, lets see where this one takes me but so far so good ...

Thinking about the future excites but at the same time it scares me. So many things can and will change. Things surprise you and test you but I just follow my heart and hope for the best. Everything happens for a reason and I'm a huge believer of that. Life has taught me that over and over again. Even when you are in a bad, sad place when you are stuck don't worry you are there for a reason just have faith and keep working on yourself when you look back you'll understand why you were there. Everything we read, everyone we meet, everything we touch, smell, feel is there to teach you, to enlighten you, to encourage you. So embrace it, learn from it and move on..

Well that's enough with the life lessons lol.. I have to post more things about my history but with everything happening it's a little hard. My nephew is going to be a senior in HS this year I'm always researching colleges and scholarships and wow is that time consuming or what!! He has good grades so he has so many choices but the better the school the more expensive. I want him to go to a great school but I don't want him to have a debt of $300,000 when he gets out either. But if he gets into an ivy league I would hate to take away that opportunity. It's so hard when it was time for me to go to school I didn't have any choices. The only school I could get into was a community college. But if you have any advice for us, feel free to comment or write me an email at simplydenisi@gmail.com .. :)

Hope everyone has a great day!!

Love Always,

simply Denisi <3

High School Graduate: If I did it, anyone can!

Sometimes I speak to friends from high school and they tell me how proud they are that I made it. I've completed my BA, I have a stable job, I have no children out of wedlock, I married after school, I have my own apartment, now Im looking to move foward and completing my MA. I feel I didn't do anything spectacular, it's not like I got amazing grades and was valedictorian. I was an average student that did what anyone could've done. I wasn't saved or had some amazing opportunity, everything I did in terms of school and everything else, anyone could've done.

When I was in high school I was a terrible student, I barely went to school and even when I did show up I didn't go to most of my classes. I had no aspirations, I didnt know what I wanted to be when I grew up, I didnt even think about it. I think back and I wonder where was my mind at and why didnt anyone simply ask me? I wasn't a bad girl, I was still nice, sweet, caring but I wasn't focused on anything. Not my life, not my future. I was just living in the moment, waiting for something to happen. Like me there are thousands of adolescents today out there waiting for something to happen, someone to speak to them, someone to raise awareness.

I knew about college, I knew it was there but I didn't see myself going because it seemed hard, nothing I could get into, nothing I can do. Until a guidance counselor took the time and asked me about my future plans, asked me about graduating high school, told me about community college. Told me I had choices where my grades didnt matter, I only needed a diplomia or a GED. Then we spoke about how I can complete my diplomia, graduate on time and move on. When I spoke to her I told her its impossible, I'm supposed to be in my senior year and only have 22 out of 40 credits but we made a plan and at the end of the year I graduted with 52 credits. I went to school all day (7:25 AM to 4 PM) then twice a week I went to night school til about 9 PM. I struggled a little bit but I did it. Just like I did it everyone could.

I'm not a genius (tell from my grammer errors) believe me I'm not I just figured out what I wanted. To be clear I didn't just figure it all out in one day. I gave it some thought.. Where do I wanna see myself in June? Where do I wanna see myself next year? Where do I wanna see myself in 5 or 10 years?

In 2002 (when I graduated HS) I only knew I wanted to be out of high school, and I mostly knew what I didnt want. I didn't want to become a statistic, I didn't want to get pregnant, I didn't want to drop-out of HS, I didn't want to work at a minimium wage job forever, I didn't want to go to public assistance, I didn't want to count on a man for anything. I wanted more, I wanted be able to pay my own rent, buy my own things, stand on my own two feet so I wouldn't feel stuck with anyone because I couldn't survive on my own (I'll tell you why another time).

I am where I am because of me. I made the decision to try and beat the statistics and I'm still trying...

Don't be shy.. Contact me email (simplydenisi@gmail.com) or simply leave a comment :) I'm here for everyone :)

SimplyDenisi <3

And the grind continues...

And the grind continues...

Well I'm still hoping for the best in 2010. I haven't been accepted to any graduate program. I've received some rejection letters and havent heard anything from three programs. I want this like you wouldn't believe. I want to be successful, I want to set an example for my children, I want to have a career. But none of these programs care, they dont know me. My GPA is not as high as it should be but I poured my heart out on my statement of purpose and I have 6 graduate credits that proves I can do the work. I just want to chance to go out there and change lives and I know I can. But let's see where it takes me..

I hope to get accepted to a MSW program or a Mental Health Counseling program, I want to work with adolescents in a school setting and in the future open my own practice. I have plans people and why can't an admissions comittee see that?

I dont want to give up, Im not going to give up. When I think this year my going to be 26, I feel time is running out. If I get accepted for Fall I can work on my school work and prepare to have my children when I'm about 28 which I think it's the perfect time. By that time I can have my masters or almost be done, I'll have my house. That'll happen in my little perfect world but things seem to hold me back but one day I'll get there.

SimplyDenisi <3

2010 = Skinny + Educated

Hey guys :) New year and a start of a new life.. Just like everyone else, the end of the year came around and I started thinking what's my new year going to look like?

In November when my husband had fork over $4,000 for my education, I realized I couldnt go back to school the following semester unless a few things happened. One I save $4000 so my husband wouldnt be burdened or I get accepted to a program so I can take a student loans. I couldn't do neither in such short notice so I deceided, If Im not going to be able to go to school I HAVE to do something to continue to better myself.

I've committed myself that in 2010, Im going to do something to better myself everyday. Even the smallest thing like educate myself in something I was curious about or filling out and graduate school application, just anything to keep things moving in a positive direction. During my semester off Im going to be working on a few big things. Im going to be applying to graduate programs, Im going to be working at becoming healthier, looking for a better job, and just work on myself. And so far so good! It's the middle of Febuary and I've got A LOT done.

I decided to attack my obecity and work toward weight loss surgery. I've looked at it many times. My sister got it done about 6-7 years ago and since then my family has been down my throat about it. "Oh just imagine how pretty you would be", "Clothes would fit you so much better", "How much happier you would be" BLAH BLAH BLAH! NO!!!! Leave me alone!!! By eveyone attacking me about it and trying to push me to do it made that not even an option. It just hurt me and made me feel like I was in a pool full of skinnys and Im the whale in the middle. It made me eat more, food is my comfort, food understands where Im coming from. Its just there for me like a drug, crazy to say but I kindof understand addicts.

My decision to go through with it was made in October/Novemeber. I was on my skinny girl mentality grind in the spring of 2009. I was determined to think like a healthy conscious person and lose weight. I lost a little over 20 pounds in a short time and I was on a roll! But then I got sick. I was horrible! I got really severly anemic, I had a blood transfusion, I developed cranial hypertension. I felt weak, sick and I really thought I was about to die. I couldn't do anything, not excerise, not be on a diet, it was the worst exprience. I was sick until about August/ September when I got everything under control but I was just trying to get back on my feet and started school and when I stepped in the scale BOOM!! I had gained 35 pounds! Just like that I gained one clothing size! Im just fed up with this up and down, with this problem that I can't seem to shake off. Its just always there! It's like fighting a never ending battle.

I need to do something! I want to have children in the future and I dont want this to be an issue. So I decieded for me! I called my doctor and he referred me to the surgoen. I didnt tell anyone because this was going to be for me and I didnt want to be congraduated, I didnt want to hear anyone's opinion. I just wanted to think for myself and do it for ME.

I walked in to a packed office, full of big just out of surgery people. I felt everyone looked at him and thought "yea we know why you're in here.. you're next" I was scared, embrassed, sad... I wanted to reschedule and run out or just leave and say it was too packed, too long of a wait time. No one knew I was there, no one would know I chickened out. But I signed in and asked for the wait time which was over an hour and a half. I left I needed air, I needed to think, breathe, cry. But no it was something I HAD to do so I went into a Barnes and Noble sat with starbucks in had and broused some books. I didnt think about it by the time I knew time was up and I needed to go back to see the doctor.

The doctor was nice. He was a tall, thin, light skin cuban man. I had a knot in my stomach but thank God he was so easy going. He explained everything, all the possibilites and just made me feel like it was no biggy. The scary part was when I got home. Everything hit me, I just laid down with a pillow in my face balling. Thinking WHY? Why me? Why do I have to go through this? Why cant I just have 20 lbs to lose get on a diet and lose it? It's like a disability, I think about it, I feel it, I live it EVERYDAY! I can't ignore it any longer. I'm married, I want to have children, he wants to have children and because my super overweight I dont ovulate making it impossible to conceive. I was just thinking about everything but after I got it all out. I felt it was all going to be okay and it could be worst. Sometimes it gets overwhelming. I get scared. Am I ever going to overcome this part of my life? Is it always going to be this way? Is the surgery going to work?

The doctor has a really nice support network. Pre-op patients work with his nurse practioner. I went to see her shortly after the first consultation and she gave me all the paper work and told me everything that needed to be done and submitted. I have to see her every month and we will dicuss everything that will be expected and just follow-up on appointments etc. She is also really nice and supportive. She explains everything in full detail, makes me feel comfortable and so far this process has been very pleasant. It's Febuary and I'm done with all my pre-op visits I just have to continue seeing my general physician for the next four months. So Hopefully I'll have my surgery in July. Im going to travel to my homeland (Dominican Republic) in June so I cant get it before.

Exhale.

Now with graduate school, I've just finished applying to seven different programs for social work (MSW) and mental health counseling. So I'm just playing the waiting game ugh (the worst part).

Just an update on my life. I will be posting my statement of purpose that my dear friend/co-worker has helped me write. So baby steps do get you somewhere. I have my goals together and they'll be my focus for 2010. So BIG HUGE life changing things will be happening in 2010 (hopefully)..

That's where I am.

Thanks you coming by!

Simply Denisi <3.

Note: Needs ALOT of editing.. Bear with me will get it done..

To Fail or Not to Fail

Well after an agonizing wait my first paper came back.. B+ its okay but for a girl looking for an A it's not so good. You see now I have to really plan my plan B. And I really don't want to. This is very depressing and stressful. I have so much pressure and so much determination but I feel like I'm fighting a battle that's been lost already.
People tell me relax, you're thinking too much into it. It's not that serious and I know it isnt I've been in school for most of my life. But I cant HELP feeling this way. When I got my paper I was shaking, I didnt want to look at it but I did. I didn't know what to expect, I felt sweaty, my hearting was pounding, I just had to open it then BOOM B+. My intial reaction was like okay how can I make this to an A, I'll make it so my final average equals an A. But as everyone else received their paper and the professor was talking about the great papers. I started feeling little again. Then I read his comment on how I have to be more sophisticated. What? I know my vocabulary is not 100% but come on I'm a Dominican New Yorker, I'm not white, I dont use big words when I speak. When I'm writing my papers I write how I know how to write. I use big words when appropriate, I check my grammer, I had other people read it a thousand times to make sure it sounded like I knew what I was talking about. I got good reviews.

Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing or what should I do. This new school has thrown my off my mental state. But its me I know it. I usually cope with things pretty good. This is really kicking my ass, this has been the hardest. So far so bad :( I'm a really spirtual person, I go by energys and I believe everything happens for a reason and if things are meant to be, they will be. But this I dont know. Should I fight or should I let it go and see where it goes. Its hard because I dont want to do all this work and fight then lose anyway. I dont want to let it go because I want it SOOO bad! This is what I want; this is what I want to do.

Maybe it's because I'm an only child but I'm a thinker. I think A LOT about everything. I didn't have any siblings around so I couldn't speak to anyone but myself. It was me and my mom (always makes me so emotional) but I didn't have anyone to share things with and get some feedback. I couldn't share everything with my mother because she was raised not only ina different country but a different time. So I was left to figure things out by myself. It's going to sound crazy but when things are going on I talk to myself and just talk it through. Sometimes I still do it, I cry by myself and laugh by myself. It makes me feel better like I have someone there. I'm like my own best friend :) I'm not crazy lol.

Man I'm going to do it. Once again I'm going to throw myself in there but I'm scared.

Have a good night!

Simply Denisi <3

*These entires haven't been edited as you can tell, I will get around to it this weekend.