2010 = Skinny + Educated

Hey guys :) New year and a start of a new life.. Just like everyone else, the end of the year came around and I started thinking what's my new year going to look like?

In November when my husband had fork over $4,000 for my education, I realized I couldnt go back to school the following semester unless a few things happened. One I save $4000 so my husband wouldnt be burdened or I get accepted to a program so I can take a student loans. I couldn't do neither in such short notice so I deceided, If Im not going to be able to go to school I HAVE to do something to continue to better myself.

I've committed myself that in 2010, Im going to do something to better myself everyday. Even the smallest thing like educate myself in something I was curious about or filling out and graduate school application, just anything to keep things moving in a positive direction. During my semester off Im going to be working on a few big things. Im going to be applying to graduate programs, Im going to be working at becoming healthier, looking for a better job, and just work on myself. And so far so good! It's the middle of Febuary and I've got A LOT done.

I decided to attack my obecity and work toward weight loss surgery. I've looked at it many times. My sister got it done about 6-7 years ago and since then my family has been down my throat about it. "Oh just imagine how pretty you would be", "Clothes would fit you so much better", "How much happier you would be" BLAH BLAH BLAH! NO!!!! Leave me alone!!! By eveyone attacking me about it and trying to push me to do it made that not even an option. It just hurt me and made me feel like I was in a pool full of skinnys and Im the whale in the middle. It made me eat more, food is my comfort, food understands where Im coming from. Its just there for me like a drug, crazy to say but I kindof understand addicts.

My decision to go through with it was made in October/Novemeber. I was on my skinny girl mentality grind in the spring of 2009. I was determined to think like a healthy conscious person and lose weight. I lost a little over 20 pounds in a short time and I was on a roll! But then I got sick. I was horrible! I got really severly anemic, I had a blood transfusion, I developed cranial hypertension. I felt weak, sick and I really thought I was about to die. I couldn't do anything, not excerise, not be on a diet, it was the worst exprience. I was sick until about August/ September when I got everything under control but I was just trying to get back on my feet and started school and when I stepped in the scale BOOM!! I had gained 35 pounds! Just like that I gained one clothing size! Im just fed up with this up and down, with this problem that I can't seem to shake off. Its just always there! It's like fighting a never ending battle.

I need to do something! I want to have children in the future and I dont want this to be an issue. So I decieded for me! I called my doctor and he referred me to the surgoen. I didnt tell anyone because this was going to be for me and I didnt want to be congraduated, I didnt want to hear anyone's opinion. I just wanted to think for myself and do it for ME.

I walked in to a packed office, full of big just out of surgery people. I felt everyone looked at him and thought "yea we know why you're in here.. you're next" I was scared, embrassed, sad... I wanted to reschedule and run out or just leave and say it was too packed, too long of a wait time. No one knew I was there, no one would know I chickened out. But I signed in and asked for the wait time which was over an hour and a half. I left I needed air, I needed to think, breathe, cry. But no it was something I HAD to do so I went into a Barnes and Noble sat with starbucks in had and broused some books. I didnt think about it by the time I knew time was up and I needed to go back to see the doctor.

The doctor was nice. He was a tall, thin, light skin cuban man. I had a knot in my stomach but thank God he was so easy going. He explained everything, all the possibilites and just made me feel like it was no biggy. The scary part was when I got home. Everything hit me, I just laid down with a pillow in my face balling. Thinking WHY? Why me? Why do I have to go through this? Why cant I just have 20 lbs to lose get on a diet and lose it? It's like a disability, I think about it, I feel it, I live it EVERYDAY! I can't ignore it any longer. I'm married, I want to have children, he wants to have children and because my super overweight I dont ovulate making it impossible to conceive. I was just thinking about everything but after I got it all out. I felt it was all going to be okay and it could be worst. Sometimes it gets overwhelming. I get scared. Am I ever going to overcome this part of my life? Is it always going to be this way? Is the surgery going to work?

The doctor has a really nice support network. Pre-op patients work with his nurse practioner. I went to see her shortly after the first consultation and she gave me all the paper work and told me everything that needed to be done and submitted. I have to see her every month and we will dicuss everything that will be expected and just follow-up on appointments etc. She is also really nice and supportive. She explains everything in full detail, makes me feel comfortable and so far this process has been very pleasant. It's Febuary and I'm done with all my pre-op visits I just have to continue seeing my general physician for the next four months. So Hopefully I'll have my surgery in July. Im going to travel to my homeland (Dominican Republic) in June so I cant get it before.

Exhale.

Now with graduate school, I've just finished applying to seven different programs for social work (MSW) and mental health counseling. So I'm just playing the waiting game ugh (the worst part).

Just an update on my life. I will be posting my statement of purpose that my dear friend/co-worker has helped me write. So baby steps do get you somewhere. I have my goals together and they'll be my focus for 2010. So BIG HUGE life changing things will be happening in 2010 (hopefully)..

That's where I am.

Thanks you coming by!

Simply Denisi <3.

Note: Needs ALOT of editing.. Bear with me will get it done..

Just me.

I'm back and ready to conquer it ALL.

Well I see I lost some followers but new beginnings it is.

I've fell off my dieting and exercising and just focused on getting better then came school. I didn't even want to think about dieting even though it was in back of my head everyday. I realized we are really obsessed with food, dieting, self imagine and sometimes it looks and feels so unhealthy.

WoW will I spend my entire life yo-yoing with diets and thinking about my diet. It makes me sad to think this is going to be a never ending struggle.

I don't think I'm necessarily obsessed because I try not to think about it as much.

But I DO think about and it DOES bother me. When I do think about I try to shake it off and think like no

Denise you are who you are and eff them. I can't help but when I'm around my thin sisters or my other family members I feel ugly, fatter than what I usually feel then I think I HAVE to lose weight RIGHT NOW. I don't want to eat around them. I sometimes don't like to eat in front of people generally because I am the size that I

am they might think I eat like a pig and keep it fat kid style all day but I don't. Don't get me wrong I pig out sometimes but usually I get full really fast; I don't like greasy, fatty foods like that, I don't eat candy often but I am obsessed with

chocolate.

Most of the time I am comfortable with myself and I love my chubby self but others make me feel self conscious because being over-weight isn't socially accepted. Will we ever over come this?

Don't get me wrong I get it, we are unhealthy, we ha

ve a short life span etc. BUT my mother's side of the family is mostly overweight; so is that a coincidence? The advice thin or "healthy" people give me never surprises me. Since I've been overweight all my life and have known about it I've been hearing all the health risks and how to lose weight, and when to lose weight and how different I would look, feel, be.. I'VE HEARD IT ALL.. Sometime others just don't understand what we struggle with.. I mean we can be almost compared to like when Africans were slaves. We aren't beaten or even go thought what they went through but they were looked at as different. People made them feel inferior and like outsiders living in white society. We are fattys living in a "skinny" society.

I cope with it pretty well. I have my good days and bad days but mostly good but others don't. They are looked as hungry hippos so they conform and in their mind they use food as make me feel better pill. The pill works for about 5 seconds then it's like wha

t did I do? DAM that 5 MORE pounds! But they fall into it again then it becomes a cycle then you're superduper obese.

Sometimes it's deeper. I'm still looking and working on myself but it's a work-in-progress. When I'm home and something is bothering me or I'm depressed I do eat more but why? Why does my friend losses her appetite and experiences the total opposite when she is depressed but my appetite increases by like 100%?

What shall we do? When will we change? Obesity is a huge problem, have you guess seen the McDonalds portions in europe compared to the ones in the states? funny. They can control fast food over there why can't our government do the same here? The FDA controls everything else? Why not control what vendors put in our food? It's almost like they don't care, or trying to make us sicker so more money for programs, more money for doctors, more money for taxes.

Why are people trying to fight Obama on healthcare?

Im not like making theories or trying to uncover government secrets, I just wonder whats going on sometimes.. looking at the bigger picture..

Interesting...

Until next time.

simplyDenisi <3

Fat Girl Relapse

Well I've relapsed!

One day last week I was hungry, it was like all the food that I've been depriving my body from, caught up with me. I was craving all the bad fat girl things. I tried not thinking about it by keeping myself busy but I couldn't take it anymore and I gave IN! And it felt GOOD!! Then of course I felt super guilty! I convinced myself this wasn't the end of the world, OK Denise stop hyperventilating but I couldn't help feeling like I was going to be a fat girl forever.

All those times I stand in front of the mirror sucking my stomach in or biting my inner cheek to make my face look thinner.. Imagining I can do it and look like this one day.

I sometimes look at bigger people on the subway and think I would never get like that, I would never let myself get there and if I were them I would just give up on eating all together. I would just drink water all day everyday but in reality I'm there, some problably look at me and say the same. We try to make ourselves feel better by looking at someone that is worst off and sometimes that's not the right thing to do because it still doesn't resolve your problem. But when we thinking or saying this we don't stop and think.

No one knows the fat girl struggle because even though sometimes I let things go and tell myself "oh please girl you're fly", I want to know how does it feel to walk without the blubber. I want to just walk into ANY store and find something that fits. If it's not Lanebryant or Macy's Plus Size I dread going in. I start thinking if I were skinny I would wear this and that with that or you find something you really like that you hope for a miracle that they have your size then nope. At least we can go to the shoe section and they'll have something unless you have wide feet like me so that doesn't even workout.

So I relapsed then I couldn't seem to get on track then I got my "girl thang" (wink wink) so that threw me even more off. Today is the first day that I feel I'm getting back on my feet. This morning began reading "Naturally Thin" again and had a small breakfast. I'm still dreading the scale to see what I've gained in a week. So I fell now that I got up I'm going to wait about 2 weeks until I weigh myself.

This may seem dumb and senseless. Some may read this and think, come on join a gym, stop eating or eat less... but when you've lived a certain way all your life it's hard to now want to change the game on the ninth inning, it's very HARD! Unless you've been overweight or obese at some point in your life you can't know this feeling. And sometimes thin people that gain weight it's easier for them than someone who has been obese all their life.

So...

I'm going to do it! I AM!

Oh this life..

Well until next time.. So much to talk about so little time..

Simply me... Denisi <3.>

Thought for Food?

Well so far so good in my skinny girl movement but it is a struggle changing these habits. This week I haven't done the 3 day diet, this week I've been trying to watch my intake and try to not go over 500 calories on every meal. That's sometimes is hard because my mother's cooking is not calorie measured so I eat a REALLY small portion or when we go to a restaurant egh the will power! but I'm trying.

As far as how I'm feeling, I'm feeling much better... I have a lot more energy, I feel more in control of myself. I don't really see results physically yet but it's okay.

Sometimes I do feel like oh my god I just want to pig out and have something GOOD! But I have to stop myself and shake it off. And just say no!

Our obsession with food is just crazy. I say us because I know I'm not the only one. Why is eating healthy so dam hard?? I mean come on! When did we become this fat?!! This society has become a fast food craving, barely exercising and morbidly obese one. In NY they "cleaned" the streets up and closed many strip clubs. There can't be a strip club by a school or a church and there can't be strip clubs close to each other. OK that helped, I guess but when are they going to do that with fast food places? Why in a 5 block radius I have a Burger King, 2 McDonald's, White Castle, Wendy's, Papa Johns, 2 Dunkin Donuts, 2 Baskin Robbins and about 6 pizza shops, 4 Mexican places, 2 Spanish restaurants, 4 Diners, 8 Chinese takeout and not to mention Pizza hut, Domino's deliver here but only 1 health food store. Whats that about?

Is there a possibility "they" are making us fat?The more fat we get, the more unhealthy we are so the more doctors we need, more operations, more weight loss programs, need more money therefore waste more money. It's all like a cycle! Why can't they regulate fast food restaurants or at least the food that they serve. The city made a big deal strippers influencing our kids but what about this "fat" problem not only affecting but sometimes even killing our kids?
Just food for thought...

Well its getting late.. Have a great night! BTW this posting time is pacific time, so here it's 12:15 AM..

Always Smiling,

Simply Denisi <3

Skinny Girl Mentality

Four weeks ago I decided I wanted to develop I healthier Denisi and so embarked in my skinny girl mission. What do I mean by skinny girl mission??

Well you see skinny girls like models or the ones at the gym, are always watching what they eat.. They always get the healthy things at the store and get a salad instead of a burger at restaurants. They keep up with the exercising to make sure they don't gain a pound and are always ready for their close up.. It's a healthy conscience mentality where you are conscience of what you are putting in your body and making sure your are not only looking great but also feeling great.

I named it skinny girl instead of healthy girl because bascially skinny girl sounds better. :) If I put healthy in the equation then it's going to have to be healthy woman and woman?? No I want to hold on to my youth for as long as I can and be referred to as a "girl".

So skinny girl is the mission and skinny girl I am!

I've been on my mission for 4 weeks now and it's been working out nicely even though I relapsed last week but I'm back!! I've noticed how careless I've ate all this time. Not taking into consideration what I'm putting in my body, just looking for the gratification of the good taste. I just ate when I wanted to and what I wanted to and felt I had control. (woow smh) I realized that was not having control it was actually quite the opposite. I overate everyday! Every time I felt happy, I ate, every time I felt excited, I ate, every time I felt sad, I ate. Every time anything happened I ATE! I ate and I gained weight. Don't get me wrong I like being a chub. Chub chub more to love but I don't want to be a unhealthy chub so I'm changing it up with my skinny girl mentality.



When I go to a restaurant I have to order a burger or fat filled pasta and then eat it until I can't eat anymore? But a skinny girl goes the a restaurant has the burger or the pasta but eats about half or orders a hearty salad?? Why because she cares about herself and she is not going to pack on extra calories and fat if it's unnecessary. At my job we order lunch everyday and we order BBQ ribs or steak sandwiches or Chinese food then I get home and it's more takeout. No! why?? So much money, I was making a down payment for a heart attack. I'm taking control! Eating less.. my focus is not on food. I'll have a fruit, crackers, some tuna, a salad or soup, something quick and easy just to satisfy my hunger and if I go out with friends or go to my parents house I'll have a meal but won't pile on my plate just a little of everything, like a what? Yup a skinny girl.



I'll admit it's a lot harder than it sounds. I relapse here and there but I get over it and jump back on. When I order fast food before I order, I tell myself... Order like a skinny girl... and try to get as less as possible. This is my forth week thinking like a skinny girl and I'm 22 pounds lighter. Now I don't weight myself every other day or every week because I don't want to focus on pounds, I want to focus on myself and how I feel. Hopefully this will be a long term or even a life long change. It's hard to break a good tasting bad habit so I have to constantly remind myself .. Hey skinny girl!!..

So I can get used to eating less and not focusing on food and what I'm going to eat next, I've tried the 3 day diet for the past 4 weeks. This week I've also started working out a little about 30 min of cardio at least 3 days a week so let's see how that works out..

I will keep this movement going and in one month will post a skinny girl update..

Thanx for the support,

Simply Denisi.