My Lonely Place

Morning Tweet: Hi lonely place, it's been a while..

It's been a while since I've been here. Nothing has changed. Still small, still grey, four walls, one window, one door and 1 favorite corner. I've been here since last night and have yet figured out my way out.

Today, I feel a little blue. I don't really know why (maybe I'm hormonal, lord knows).

Sometimes I feel like I have it all figured out and my life is going as planned. Then all of a sudden, I'm confused, I don't know what I want, what I'm doing. I hate when I'm in this place, because I feel so scared. Deeply scared where I can feel it in my heart. I just want to crawl into a corner and be left alone and just cry it out and scream for my mommy. Things are not clear today, I'm not happy today with anything.

It'll get better, tomorrow is another day but today I just want to think and be to myself.

Just Denisi.

To Fail or Not to Fail

Well after an agonizing wait my first paper came back.. B+ its okay but for a girl looking for an A it's not so good. You see now I have to really plan my plan B. And I really don't want to. This is very depressing and stressful. I have so much pressure and so much determination but I feel like I'm fighting a battle that's been lost already.
People tell me relax, you're thinking too much into it. It's not that serious and I know it isnt I've been in school for most of my life. But I cant HELP feeling this way. When I got my paper I was shaking, I didnt want to look at it but I did. I didn't know what to expect, I felt sweaty, my hearting was pounding, I just had to open it then BOOM B+. My intial reaction was like okay how can I make this to an A, I'll make it so my final average equals an A. But as everyone else received their paper and the professor was talking about the great papers. I started feeling little again. Then I read his comment on how I have to be more sophisticated. What? I know my vocabulary is not 100% but come on I'm a Dominican New Yorker, I'm not white, I dont use big words when I speak. When I'm writing my papers I write how I know how to write. I use big words when appropriate, I check my grammer, I had other people read it a thousand times to make sure it sounded like I knew what I was talking about. I got good reviews.

Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing or what should I do. This new school has thrown my off my mental state. But its me I know it. I usually cope with things pretty good. This is really kicking my ass, this has been the hardest. So far so bad :( I'm a really spirtual person, I go by energys and I believe everything happens for a reason and if things are meant to be, they will be. But this I dont know. Should I fight or should I let it go and see where it goes. Its hard because I dont want to do all this work and fight then lose anyway. I dont want to let it go because I want it SOOO bad! This is what I want; this is what I want to do.

Maybe it's because I'm an only child but I'm a thinker. I think A LOT about everything. I didn't have any siblings around so I couldn't speak to anyone but myself. It was me and my mom (always makes me so emotional) but I didn't have anyone to share things with and get some feedback. I couldn't share everything with my mother because she was raised not only ina different country but a different time. So I was left to figure things out by myself. It's going to sound crazy but when things are going on I talk to myself and just talk it through. Sometimes I still do it, I cry by myself and laugh by myself. It makes me feel better like I have someone there. I'm like my own best friend :) I'm not crazy lol.

Man I'm going to do it. Once again I'm going to throw myself in there but I'm scared.

Have a good night!

Simply Denisi <3

*These entires haven't been edited as you can tell, I will get around to it this weekend.

Just Me ...

Rainy day in NYC and I'm at work ugh! I've been feeling a little blue lately and sometimes I'm experiencing these mini-anxiety attacks. (what's that about?) And no I'm not PMSing. I've been under pressure from no one in particular just myself; some financial, some personal. I've just been feeling very alone and insecure; no one gets me. I don't have a best friend and I really haven't had one since high school and sometimes it really gets to me. I have friends but no one that I feel comfortable enough to burden with my issues or thoughts. I have my husband but I don't want to burden him either. I just sometimes need a friend not just any friend but an exclusive best friend. It might sound silly and even a little immature but everyone (my friends) seem to have their own best friend so I don't want to be like second best friend or something.

My best friend was like the best, I loved her like family, like a sister. I would kill and die for her and I felt the same way back. I mean she knew everything about me and I knew everything about her. Barely fought or had disagreements. We had the greatest time together we were bad girls together and were good girls together. Always had something to speak about. Everything we did and anywhere we went, we were together. I just felt like I had someone there for me. Sometimes I don't like going to places alone or planning things alone and sometimes I just want someone's opinion. And I don't have that right now. It's just me, myself and I.

Sometimes I don't mind being by myself, I pretty independent and I love having me time. I sit home, watch TV or just sit a think. I think about my goals and what am I going to do. I plan my me day when I'm home alone, I plan my menu for the day, my movie list, my music play list, my comfy clothes and just chill. If I need to cry I do, I reminisce, I do my makeup and I take pictures. lol It may seem corny and boring but I work my inner Denise out. Its feels a lot better than it sounds. Its sounds a little crazy but it's not lol I hope lol.It's a little secret that I guess isn't a little secret anymore. :)

Right now I'm just going through somethings.. I'm dealing with a new school and just adapting to being an A student which I've never worked that hard. So now I'm scared of failing. I'm scared that I'm going to spend so much time effort and money then at the end I still won't be accepted to the program. I'm scared to face the reality that I'm just a dumb chubby latina. I know I'm not but in this school that I'm going to be have honor students, people working towards their doctorate, well spoken professionals. Then you have me..

In one hand I'm excited to go to school and aim for the best and be around all these intellect professional but in the other I feel under qualified, i feel super young and immature. I tell myself nah you bugging Denise you can do why not, you just have to put your all into it. BUT I can't help it, I just can't stop. I feel like a scared 5 year old going to her first day of school every time! I tell myself everything is going to be okay; but is it really? What happens if it's not? Then what all this hard work for nothing because it's still not going to be good enough? I think about it and I get nervous, my heart starts beating super fast, my eyes water and I feel crazy (anxiety). But I can't do anything about it, just do what I can.

BUT THEN..

I'm pretty independent. I like doing things myself so that then in case whatever happens I don't owe anyone anything or if things go bad I don't have anyone to blame but myself.

My husband works at a university, a prestigious university in NY, because he is an employee his family can attend the school for free. I took advantage but my grades weren't good enough to get into the school so they allowed me to take 2 courses as a "non-student" so I can then apply to and have a better chance. They said you only have to pay the school fees and the taxes. I get the bill and its $700 and I'm like this is going to be GREAT! I wish! Last week they have started bascially taking an extra $200 in taxes fro my husbands paycheck and they will do that for the next 10 weeks! YES 10 weeks!! That's $2000 in taxes! I mean it's still a good deal to go to this school but charge me! I dont have this kind of money to pay him back. We have bills, super credit cards. This is just a huge set back.

I know, he is my husband, we are a family. my bills are his bills, visa-versa. He hasn't complained but still. I feel bad and even worse that I dont have 200 a week so maybe I can put on one of his bills. So I've decided I'm not going back to school until I can either pay him or take a loan to cover our expenses. BUT I can't take a loan until I am officially accepted to the counseling program. UGH!

Everything goes as God planned it to be...

If anyone is out there please pray for me.. I really really want this.
Well until next time. Peace and good health.
simplyDenisi <3