2011: New Year ... New Ideas

2010: 

January 2010 Lemmy was born!

Oh how I'm going to miss you. You were so good to me, my life changed so much during your year.

-was accepted to a MSW program

-started school

-had my surgery

-lost 75 pounds

-traveled

-grew up a little more

-learned more about life, love

-made new friends 



March 2010 Visited Disney for the 1st time!

 I got most if not everything I wanted out of the year, I have no complaints, no regrets just two thumbs up. Now it's time for a new year, and figure out what i want out of it. I think this year is going to be my education year. I want to educate myself as much as possible. I want to read and learn more about branding and marketing, about creating my website, about making a business successful, and about taking control of my finances.

This year:

June 2010

-read more books

-save money

-get out of debt as much as possible
-lose more weight
-buy a car, or at least drive one
-travel to somewhere new
-excerise more, gym membership
-remember birthdays

-stay positive

-stay growing

 

July 2010 Dominican Republic

 


July 2010 Dominican Republic

Day 3 after surgery August 2010

  

September 2010 Amelie is born!

 



October 2010 Carol is married!

  



November 2010 in love with Amelie!



 


 
 

Christmas Eve 2010



Christmas Eve 2010

  

December 2010



I'm proud of who I became in 2010 and who I'm going to be for 2011. Happy New Year world! Hoping the best for everyone!



Spouse Dependency: How much is good?

Seeing my parents together as a child painted a picture of what I didn't want to have, what i didn't want to become. My mother came to the US when she was an adolescent and has been traveling back and forth from Dominican Republic and is ten years my fathers senior. My parents met in DR and migrated to NY to start a new life together. My mother found a decent job in the garment district but my father on the other had had a very hard time with this new world, the new language, the American culture. Since he didn't know the language or any trade or education he had to settle working at a sugar factory making close to nothing. For as long as I can remember my mother was the bread winner in our home but she never made no mention of it. I didn't know until I was older.

When I was a teenager he got a job as a superintendent and a few weeks later my mother was laid off and the tables turned. With that came all kinds of changes, change I will never forget. He was now the breadwinner, he paid the bills, and then I guess he felt power, the MAN. This is when it got bad, when they would have arguments he would shoot back well this is my house and you can leave. Everything he did, every penny he paid he made sure we knew, and we felt it. This was when the verbal abuse got real bad the worst. He would tear my mother apart with his words and made us feel worthless. I would beg my mother to leave him but her answer was always, "where are we going to go?". My mother was trying to find another job but her work was being shipped over seas for cheap labor and the jobs that remained would only be enough for the rent. She felt stuck and like she had to suck it up and be strong in order for me to have a roof over my head.

While this was going on my sister started having some of the same issues with her spouse. He also became a superintendent, was verbally abusive and my sister was stuck but she refused. She worked hard and held on tight for a few months, packed up her and her 3 children and bought her home. She refused to be in a unhealthy situation that didn't meet her needs. She went through a lot but she was focused and determined on making her life work and moving on to have a peaceful mind and environment for her children. I was and still am proud of her beyond words, I look up to her and because of her I know I can do it.

During my situation, I hated the way I felt and as a confused adolescent, my attitude was like eff the world but then as a I got older and saw my sister going through it and survive alone, the question of "what I am going to do so I can get out of this situation?" I never want to feel like I have to rely or depend on anyone again. I won't let a man define me, I rather be by myself and adopt children than be with someone who mistreats me. I will never go through it, I've made it clear to all my relationships and to my friends and family. If they see me tell me so I can be aware and snap out of it. That was my motivation for turning my life around and started working towards finishing my high school diploma, going to college, getting a job, everything! Everything I do is for me, my future, and my future children. I don't want to owe anyone anything, I don't want to be taken care of so that when they feel they can belittle me. I rather live under a cardboard box and call it my own than be with someone because I need them to survive, to pay my bills, to take care of me and be unhappy. We don't need anyone to survive but ourselves, our motivation is what helps us make it and if you work and believe towards where you want to be, you will get there. There may be bumps on the way teaching you lessons but keep on going, never stop, everything happens for a reason and you will get where you want to be and destined to be.

In my household sometimes I struggle with the issues of my past because sometimes I get scared and I'm very quick to want to bail because I can. Relationships take work and nothing is never perfect but I always make sure I'm comfortable, that I'm happy and that I'm willing to put of and work through some issues because I want to not because I have to. I make sure there is a balance, I don't let others get in the way of me as an individual, of what I want my family to be and what I want to do and get out of life. I always keep in the back of my head that there is a chance I can end up alone with my children and I'm okay with that. Sometimes it feels like I'm in a lonely place but if there is no one in this earth that can be equal with me,  do something for me or our family without throwing it back in my face or hold it as ammunition to make a point, then it's meant to be and I shall be alone. The only person I trust 100%, I'm not afraid to ask for help, trust with my life, I know always has me at number one and has always ALWAYS been there for me eventhough we go through our issues and she has her own, is my mother. I try to figure out what am I going to do when she leaves me. The thought scares me, I hope to have children by then so I can cope better.

Many great powerful, strong women are not married or with anyone and I understand why.

My story continues, let's see what happens...
I will always be okay, I'm a survivor.

High School Graduate: If I did it, anyone can!

Sometimes I speak to friends from high school and they tell me how proud they are that I made it. I've completed my BA, I have a stable job, I have no children out of wedlock, I married after school, I have my own apartment, now Im looking to move foward and completing my MA. I feel I didn't do anything spectacular, it's not like I got amazing grades and was valedictorian. I was an average student that did what anyone could've done. I wasn't saved or had some amazing opportunity, everything I did in terms of school and everything else, anyone could've done.

When I was in high school I was a terrible student, I barely went to school and even when I did show up I didn't go to most of my classes. I had no aspirations, I didnt know what I wanted to be when I grew up, I didnt even think about it. I think back and I wonder where was my mind at and why didnt anyone simply ask me? I wasn't a bad girl, I was still nice, sweet, caring but I wasn't focused on anything. Not my life, not my future. I was just living in the moment, waiting for something to happen. Like me there are thousands of adolescents today out there waiting for something to happen, someone to speak to them, someone to raise awareness.

I knew about college, I knew it was there but I didn't see myself going because it seemed hard, nothing I could get into, nothing I can do. Until a guidance counselor took the time and asked me about my future plans, asked me about graduating high school, told me about community college. Told me I had choices where my grades didnt matter, I only needed a diplomia or a GED. Then we spoke about how I can complete my diplomia, graduate on time and move on. When I spoke to her I told her its impossible, I'm supposed to be in my senior year and only have 22 out of 40 credits but we made a plan and at the end of the year I graduted with 52 credits. I went to school all day (7:25 AM to 4 PM) then twice a week I went to night school til about 9 PM. I struggled a little bit but I did it. Just like I did it everyone could.

I'm not a genius (tell from my grammer errors) believe me I'm not I just figured out what I wanted. To be clear I didn't just figure it all out in one day. I gave it some thought.. Where do I wanna see myself in June? Where do I wanna see myself next year? Where do I wanna see myself in 5 or 10 years?

In 2002 (when I graduated HS) I only knew I wanted to be out of high school, and I mostly knew what I didnt want. I didn't want to become a statistic, I didn't want to get pregnant, I didn't want to drop-out of HS, I didn't want to work at a minimium wage job forever, I didn't want to go to public assistance, I didn't want to count on a man for anything. I wanted more, I wanted be able to pay my own rent, buy my own things, stand on my own two feet so I wouldn't feel stuck with anyone because I couldn't survive on my own (I'll tell you why another time).

I am where I am because of me. I made the decision to try and beat the statistics and I'm still trying...

Don't be shy.. Contact me email (simplydenisi@gmail.com) or simply leave a comment :) I'm here for everyone :)

SimplyDenisi <3

And the grind continues...

And the grind continues...

Well I'm still hoping for the best in 2010. I haven't been accepted to any graduate program. I've received some rejection letters and havent heard anything from three programs. I want this like you wouldn't believe. I want to be successful, I want to set an example for my children, I want to have a career. But none of these programs care, they dont know me. My GPA is not as high as it should be but I poured my heart out on my statement of purpose and I have 6 graduate credits that proves I can do the work. I just want to chance to go out there and change lives and I know I can. But let's see where it takes me..

I hope to get accepted to a MSW program or a Mental Health Counseling program, I want to work with adolescents in a school setting and in the future open my own practice. I have plans people and why can't an admissions comittee see that?

I dont want to give up, Im not going to give up. When I think this year my going to be 26, I feel time is running out. If I get accepted for Fall I can work on my school work and prepare to have my children when I'm about 28 which I think it's the perfect time. By that time I can have my masters or almost be done, I'll have my house. That'll happen in my little perfect world but things seem to hold me back but one day I'll get there.

SimplyDenisi <3

2010 = Skinny + Educated

Hey guys :) New year and a start of a new life.. Just like everyone else, the end of the year came around and I started thinking what's my new year going to look like?

In November when my husband had fork over $4,000 for my education, I realized I couldnt go back to school the following semester unless a few things happened. One I save $4000 so my husband wouldnt be burdened or I get accepted to a program so I can take a student loans. I couldn't do neither in such short notice so I deceided, If Im not going to be able to go to school I HAVE to do something to continue to better myself.

I've committed myself that in 2010, Im going to do something to better myself everyday. Even the smallest thing like educate myself in something I was curious about or filling out and graduate school application, just anything to keep things moving in a positive direction. During my semester off Im going to be working on a few big things. Im going to be applying to graduate programs, Im going to be working at becoming healthier, looking for a better job, and just work on myself. And so far so good! It's the middle of Febuary and I've got A LOT done.

I decided to attack my obecity and work toward weight loss surgery. I've looked at it many times. My sister got it done about 6-7 years ago and since then my family has been down my throat about it. "Oh just imagine how pretty you would be", "Clothes would fit you so much better", "How much happier you would be" BLAH BLAH BLAH! NO!!!! Leave me alone!!! By eveyone attacking me about it and trying to push me to do it made that not even an option. It just hurt me and made me feel like I was in a pool full of skinnys and Im the whale in the middle. It made me eat more, food is my comfort, food understands where Im coming from. Its just there for me like a drug, crazy to say but I kindof understand addicts.

My decision to go through with it was made in October/Novemeber. I was on my skinny girl mentality grind in the spring of 2009. I was determined to think like a healthy conscious person and lose weight. I lost a little over 20 pounds in a short time and I was on a roll! But then I got sick. I was horrible! I got really severly anemic, I had a blood transfusion, I developed cranial hypertension. I felt weak, sick and I really thought I was about to die. I couldn't do anything, not excerise, not be on a diet, it was the worst exprience. I was sick until about August/ September when I got everything under control but I was just trying to get back on my feet and started school and when I stepped in the scale BOOM!! I had gained 35 pounds! Just like that I gained one clothing size! Im just fed up with this up and down, with this problem that I can't seem to shake off. Its just always there! It's like fighting a never ending battle.

I need to do something! I want to have children in the future and I dont want this to be an issue. So I decieded for me! I called my doctor and he referred me to the surgoen. I didnt tell anyone because this was going to be for me and I didnt want to be congraduated, I didnt want to hear anyone's opinion. I just wanted to think for myself and do it for ME.

I walked in to a packed office, full of big just out of surgery people. I felt everyone looked at him and thought "yea we know why you're in here.. you're next" I was scared, embrassed, sad... I wanted to reschedule and run out or just leave and say it was too packed, too long of a wait time. No one knew I was there, no one would know I chickened out. But I signed in and asked for the wait time which was over an hour and a half. I left I needed air, I needed to think, breathe, cry. But no it was something I HAD to do so I went into a Barnes and Noble sat with starbucks in had and broused some books. I didnt think about it by the time I knew time was up and I needed to go back to see the doctor.

The doctor was nice. He was a tall, thin, light skin cuban man. I had a knot in my stomach but thank God he was so easy going. He explained everything, all the possibilites and just made me feel like it was no biggy. The scary part was when I got home. Everything hit me, I just laid down with a pillow in my face balling. Thinking WHY? Why me? Why do I have to go through this? Why cant I just have 20 lbs to lose get on a diet and lose it? It's like a disability, I think about it, I feel it, I live it EVERYDAY! I can't ignore it any longer. I'm married, I want to have children, he wants to have children and because my super overweight I dont ovulate making it impossible to conceive. I was just thinking about everything but after I got it all out. I felt it was all going to be okay and it could be worst. Sometimes it gets overwhelming. I get scared. Am I ever going to overcome this part of my life? Is it always going to be this way? Is the surgery going to work?

The doctor has a really nice support network. Pre-op patients work with his nurse practioner. I went to see her shortly after the first consultation and she gave me all the paper work and told me everything that needed to be done and submitted. I have to see her every month and we will dicuss everything that will be expected and just follow-up on appointments etc. She is also really nice and supportive. She explains everything in full detail, makes me feel comfortable and so far this process has been very pleasant. It's Febuary and I'm done with all my pre-op visits I just have to continue seeing my general physician for the next four months. So Hopefully I'll have my surgery in July. Im going to travel to my homeland (Dominican Republic) in June so I cant get it before.

Exhale.

Now with graduate school, I've just finished applying to seven different programs for social work (MSW) and mental health counseling. So I'm just playing the waiting game ugh (the worst part).

Just an update on my life. I will be posting my statement of purpose that my dear friend/co-worker has helped me write. So baby steps do get you somewhere. I have my goals together and they'll be my focus for 2010. So BIG HUGE life changing things will be happening in 2010 (hopefully)..

That's where I am.

Thanks you coming by!

Simply Denisi <3.

Note: Needs ALOT of editing.. Bear with me will get it done..

Fat Girl Relapse

Well I've relapsed!

One day last week I was hungry, it was like all the food that I've been depriving my body from, caught up with me. I was craving all the bad fat girl things. I tried not thinking about it by keeping myself busy but I couldn't take it anymore and I gave IN! And it felt GOOD!! Then of course I felt super guilty! I convinced myself this wasn't the end of the world, OK Denise stop hyperventilating but I couldn't help feeling like I was going to be a fat girl forever.

All those times I stand in front of the mirror sucking my stomach in or biting my inner cheek to make my face look thinner.. Imagining I can do it and look like this one day.

I sometimes look at bigger people on the subway and think I would never get like that, I would never let myself get there and if I were them I would just give up on eating all together. I would just drink water all day everyday but in reality I'm there, some problably look at me and say the same. We try to make ourselves feel better by looking at someone that is worst off and sometimes that's not the right thing to do because it still doesn't resolve your problem. But when we thinking or saying this we don't stop and think.

No one knows the fat girl struggle because even though sometimes I let things go and tell myself "oh please girl you're fly", I want to know how does it feel to walk without the blubber. I want to just walk into ANY store and find something that fits. If it's not Lanebryant or Macy's Plus Size I dread going in. I start thinking if I were skinny I would wear this and that with that or you find something you really like that you hope for a miracle that they have your size then nope. At least we can go to the shoe section and they'll have something unless you have wide feet like me so that doesn't even workout.

So I relapsed then I couldn't seem to get on track then I got my "girl thang" (wink wink) so that threw me even more off. Today is the first day that I feel I'm getting back on my feet. This morning began reading "Naturally Thin" again and had a small breakfast. I'm still dreading the scale to see what I've gained in a week. So I fell now that I got up I'm going to wait about 2 weeks until I weigh myself.

This may seem dumb and senseless. Some may read this and think, come on join a gym, stop eating or eat less... but when you've lived a certain way all your life it's hard to now want to change the game on the ninth inning, it's very HARD! Unless you've been overweight or obese at some point in your life you can't know this feeling. And sometimes thin people that gain weight it's easier for them than someone who has been obese all their life.

So...

I'm going to do it! I AM!

Oh this life..

Well until next time.. So much to talk about so little time..

Simply me... Denisi <3.>

When will I get there?

OK well still don't have a bathroom but its coming along.. The walls are finally up but nothing else.. At least they made an outlet because the bathroom had none. So hopefully, I'm praying the bathroom will be done early next week. I still have to shower at my mothers house but it's almost over!!

I had a somewhat stressful day not because of work but because of my school situation. Okay let me start from the beginning. As I posted in my previous blog, I composed my goals and made a timeline. One of the most important ones was to start on my graduate degree. But unfortunately I decided to work on this a little too late. My husband works from NYU so I can get my masters for free, I'm only responsible for student fees and taxes. I'm excited because this is BIG! One problem the programs I want to pursue are not accepting applications because the deadline was February 1st. I'm trying to reach out to people in the school but no one is returning my emails.

Today I read facts about the program which is Mental Health Counseling, NYU only accepts 40 students A YEAR! Now my GPA not very good, doesn't reach 3.0, not because I'm not a good student or because I'm not smart but because when I started school I wasn't focused. But now I am. I feel helpless. I feel like there is no where to go. I have a goal that seems impossible to reach. I want to make a difference in people's lives but I can't seem to get a chance.

I really care about people and helping and becoming a resource. I really need a prayer. 40 students?? What are the odds of my being one of them. A Dominican girl from queens with a sucky GPA but that doesn't tell them who I am, what I'm about. The love and dedication I want to provide to the public. I want to open my counseling office, just come in, sit and let's talk.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to give up but it's hard. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is something I want so bad, it's what I've always wanted, it's something I always imagined myself doing. I want to give back. I want to be the example not only to my future children but to everyone around me. I'll have to continue this tomorrow I'm getting choked up and I'm getting a headache.

Until next time. Thank you for reading. Feel free to leave a comment.

simply Denisi <3.

PS gramatical errors will be corrected tomorrow.

Welcome to Simply Denisi

I would like to officially welcome you to my blog.

Well I finally have my domain worked out (simplyDenisi.com) and now I'm just reading about how to make my blog hot fire so I can update this hopefully daily and wow you with my life or not.

I feel like this new person is sort of emerging. Since me wedding I've decided to live free and really become who ever I want to be (with my husband of course). I'm working on becoming more in touch with me and no matter what anyone says or no matter what anyone thinks do what I feel. I don't want to be afraid of taking risks or scared to put myself out there. When I walk into a room I don't want to impress anyone or look for any one's approval. I want to walk in to a room and feel confident in myself. You see I sometimes felt alone even though I had people around me like my family and my small circle of friends. I felt I was weird, an outcast and no one cared about me or what I had to say.

I'm tired of feeling that way because who cares. Why am I feeling alone when I have myself the only person who is supposed to care. I have to like me, I have to feel comfortable with myself. Who cares if no one is preying attention as long as I'm doing what feels good to me and making myself feel good. No one is watching me, I've grown up my mother is not responsible for me anymore, I'm responsible for me. I now have the same circle of people around me but I don't feel lonely anymore. I'm working on developing myself, mentally and physically.

Since I was 12 years old I've had long curly blonde or close to blonde. I've thought about cutting my hair but what will people think, what if I don't look right, they'll make fun of me. Fat girls don't look right with short hair, my husband loves long hair, he's not going to love me. But you know what why not. IIII wanted a change, I went to the salon and cut it off. I was like I don't care. If I don't feel comfortable with the shortness I'll work with it until it grows back. Now I love my hair, I've cut it until my chin and dyed it dark brown and I love it. I've never loved my hair this much. I don't care what people think because I feel good about it. When I came around with my new hair color they weren't too crazy about it. I kept it blonde before because the first time I dyed it people complimented me so much. I felt like I had to keep it up even though it was a hassle but it complimented my eyes and people felt it enhanced my beauty. But what about what I had to go through when my black roots would start growing in? What about how damaged my hair was because of all the chemicals? No one cares or minds those things because they are not me. I'm not a celebrity, I'm not here for the people. No more... So I did what I wanted, felt like doing and I couldn't be happier.

It's me.

Well it's been lovely.

Until next time.

Simply Denisi.