Thursday, February 18, 2010

2010 = Skinny + Educated

Hey guys :) New year and a start of a new life.. Just like everyone else, the end of the year came around and I started thinking what's my new year going to look like?

In November when my husband had fork over $4,000 for my education, I realized I couldnt go back to school the following semester unless a few things happened. One I save $4000 so my husband wouldnt be burdened or I get accepted to a program so I can take a student loans. I couldn't do neither in such short notice so I deceided, If Im not going to be able to go to school I HAVE to do something to continue to better myself.

I've committed myself that in 2010, Im going to do something to better myself everyday. Even the smallest thing like educate myself in something I was curious about or filling out and graduate school application, just anything to keep things moving in a positive direction. During my semester off Im going to be working on a few big things. Im going to be applying to graduate programs, Im going to be working at becoming healthier, looking for a better job, and just work on myself. And so far so good! It's the middle of Febuary and I've got A LOT done.

I decided to attack my obecity and work toward weight loss surgery. I've looked at it many times. My sister got it done about 6-7 years ago and since then my family has been down my throat about it. "Oh just imagine how pretty you would be", "Clothes would fit you so much better", "How much happier you would be" BLAH BLAH BLAH! NO!!!! Leave me alone!!! By eveyone attacking me about it and trying to push me to do it made that not even an option. It just hurt me and made me feel like I was in a pool full of skinnys and Im the whale in the middle. It made me eat more, food is my comfort, food understands where Im coming from. Its just there for me like a drug, crazy to say but I kindof understand addicts.

My decision to go through with it was made in October/Novemeber. I was on my skinny girl mentality grind in the spring of 2009. I was determined to think like a healthy conscious person and lose weight. I lost a little over 20 pounds in a short time and I was on a roll! But then I got sick. I was horrible! I got really severly anemic, I had a blood transfusion, I developed cranial hypertension. I felt weak, sick and I really thought I was about to die. I couldn't do anything, not excerise, not be on a diet, it was the worst exprience. I was sick until about August/ September when I got everything under control but I was just trying to get back on my feet and started school and when I stepped in the scale BOOM!! I had gained 35 pounds! Just like that I gained one clothing size! Im just fed up with this up and down, with this problem that I can't seem to shake off. Its just always there! It's like fighting a never ending battle.

I need to do something! I want to have children in the future and I dont want this to be an issue. So I decieded for me! I called my doctor and he referred me to the surgoen. I didnt tell anyone because this was going to be for me and I didnt want to be congraduated, I didnt want to hear anyone's opinion. I just wanted to think for myself and do it for ME.

I walked in to a packed office, full of big just out of surgery people. I felt everyone looked at him and thought "yea we know why you're in here.. you're next" I was scared, embrassed, sad... I wanted to reschedule and run out or just leave and say it was too packed, too long of a wait time. No one knew I was there, no one would know I chickened out. But I signed in and asked for the wait time which was over an hour and a half. I left I needed air, I needed to think, breathe, cry. But no it was something I HAD to do so I went into a Barnes and Noble sat with starbucks in had and broused some books. I didnt think about it by the time I knew time was up and I needed to go back to see the doctor.

The doctor was nice. He was a tall, thin, light skin cuban man. I had a knot in my stomach but thank God he was so easy going. He explained everything, all the possibilites and just made me feel like it was no biggy. The scary part was when I got home. Everything hit me, I just laid down with a pillow in my face balling. Thinking WHY? Why me? Why do I have to go through this? Why cant I just have 20 lbs to lose get on a diet and lose it? It's like a disability, I think about it, I feel it, I live it EVERYDAY! I can't ignore it any longer. I'm married, I want to have children, he wants to have children and because my super overweight I dont ovulate making it impossible to conceive. I was just thinking about everything but after I got it all out. I felt it was all going to be okay and it could be worst. Sometimes it gets overwhelming. I get scared. Am I ever going to overcome this part of my life? Is it always going to be this way? Is the surgery going to work?

The doctor has a really nice support network. Pre-op patients work with his nurse practioner. I went to see her shortly after the first consultation and she gave me all the paper work and told me everything that needed to be done and submitted. I have to see her every month and we will dicuss everything that will be expected and just follow-up on appointments etc. She is also really nice and supportive. She explains everything in full detail, makes me feel comfortable and so far this process has been very pleasant. It's Febuary and I'm done with all my pre-op visits I just have to continue seeing my general physician for the next four months. So Hopefully I'll have my surgery in July. Im going to travel to my homeland (Dominican Republic) in June so I cant get it before.


Now with graduate school, I've just finished applying to seven different programs for social work (MSW) and mental health counseling. So I'm just playing the waiting game ugh (the worst part).

Just an update on my life. I will be posting my statement of purpose that my dear friend/co-worker has helped me write. So baby steps do get you somewhere. I have my goals together and they'll be my focus for 2010. So BIG HUGE life changing things will be happening in 2010 (hopefully)..

That's where I am.

Thanks you coming by!

Simply Denisi <3.

Note: Needs ALOT of editing.. Bear with me will get it done..