Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Life After Gastric Bypass: Self Image

For the most part it's great! I feel good about myself and I'm a lot more social and adventurous. I'm not afraid of taking a risks and really push myself in every aspect. I'm happier, feel more attractive, and a lot more comfortable with myself. I notice now that a year ago I was in a bit of denial. There was parts of me that were okay with me but deep down, I knew the deal.

                                         Back then:
I was lazy. Going up stairs was a drag and I would twice twice and three times about walking down a couple of blocks. I was in denial about it when my mother would comment about it, I would say no I'm active and it's not a big deal. I loved dancing and would never turn down a dance so I would tell myself, "You see I'm not lazy!". I would play these psych games with myself and convince myself that I was fine but again deep deep down I knew.

I knew I should go to the gym, I knew I shouldn't of ate that, I knew I was big but didn't realize I was THAT big.

I look at pictures and I'm like wow was I really that big? I ask my husband did I really look like that? He says no but my mother says yes. It's really mind boggling because when I look in the mirror I still see myself as I did back then. I notice my collar bone sticks out a little more now but I'm still Denise. This messes with me because now I'm scared. I'm scared that the person I'm looking at is not what the public looks at. I've become obsessed with makeup and try to wear almost every day. It makes me feel better, I'll be honest almost like a mask. This week I haven't worn any, I don't want this to be me. I don't want to become dependent on anything. I used to be dependent on food (I'm still working on that) and now I'm picking up something else.

I try to keep myself on check by stepping back and really looking at my behaviors. This may sound crazy but I just want to be aware of myself.

Scared of Failure: I'm still scared of failure well I know I hope I can do it but scared of others looking at me and thining wow she should've lost more weight or wow all of that surgery but still look like that?? I had someone ask me today, "so when is your surgery scheduled for?" I was almost in tears. Or when they ask "so how much have u lost? Like 40?", I just want to scream. Ugh. It will get better though.

It's all a process and since it's so life changing, it's very emotional with again high and lows. I'm just rolling with the punches taking the positive with the negative. I'm very optimistic for the future, while living once day at a time. Hope this is a little helpful. If you have any questions or comments dont think twice to leave a comment or shoot me an email.

With Love Always,
SimplyDenisi. <3  

1 comment:

  1. Great thoughts!! I have some of the same feelings of fear. Good job catching a new addiction. You are still you, just look different. Maybe even a little more confident and happy. That's not different, just better.