Fat Girl Relapse

Well I've relapsed!

One day last week I was hungry, it was like all the food that I've been depriving my body from, caught up with me. I was craving all the bad fat girl things. I tried not thinking about it by keeping myself busy but I couldn't take it anymore and I gave IN! And it felt GOOD!! Then of course I felt super guilty! I convinced myself this wasn't the end of the world, OK Denise stop hyperventilating but I couldn't help feeling like I was going to be a fat girl forever.

All those times I stand in front of the mirror sucking my stomach in or biting my inner cheek to make my face look thinner.. Imagining I can do it and look like this one day.

I sometimes look at bigger people on the subway and think I would never get like that, I would never let myself get there and if I were them I would just give up on eating all together. I would just drink water all day everyday but in reality I'm there, some problably look at me and say the same. We try to make ourselves feel better by looking at someone that is worst off and sometimes that's not the right thing to do because it still doesn't resolve your problem. But when we thinking or saying this we don't stop and think.

No one knows the fat girl struggle because even though sometimes I let things go and tell myself "oh please girl you're fly", I want to know how does it feel to walk without the blubber. I want to just walk into ANY store and find something that fits. If it's not Lanebryant or Macy's Plus Size I dread going in. I start thinking if I were skinny I would wear this and that with that or you find something you really like that you hope for a miracle that they have your size then nope. At least we can go to the shoe section and they'll have something unless you have wide feet like me so that doesn't even workout.

So I relapsed then I couldn't seem to get on track then I got my "girl thang" (wink wink) so that threw me even more off. Today is the first day that I feel I'm getting back on my feet. This morning began reading "Naturally Thin" again and had a small breakfast. I'm still dreading the scale to see what I've gained in a week. So I fell now that I got up I'm going to wait about 2 weeks until I weigh myself.

This may seem dumb and senseless. Some may read this and think, come on join a gym, stop eating or eat less... but when you've lived a certain way all your life it's hard to now want to change the game on the ninth inning, it's very HARD! Unless you've been overweight or obese at some point in your life you can't know this feeling. And sometimes thin people that gain weight it's easier for them than someone who has been obese all their life.

So...

I'm going to do it! I AM!

Oh this life..

Well until next time.. So much to talk about so little time..

Simply me... Denisi <3.>

It's Over for Chris Brown!

Just a small comment..

Today I was coming into the office and on the elevator there was a girl with blasting earphones. I could hear the song clearly and it was Chris Brown. She was humming along like it was her favorite song. Humming the lyrics, bopping her head. I have to admit it, I was a little angered.

I was a fan of him since day one but it all ended that day in February 2009. He beat his then girlfriend Rhianna down. I was following the story like no other person. Every day, multiple times a day going into blog sites, gossips sites, entertainment sites for weeks! I was looking for his reason. Come on, what excuse is he going to give the world for his actions. My co-workers made fun of me because I added him on MySpace and sent him a message to see if he would respond and he didn't. I didn't want to believe he did this. Like what was he thinking!! She couldn't of done anything to deserve that. Even if she slapped him, have self control report her, break up with her, get away but don't beat her to the pulp!

I don't think he can bounce back from that.. I hope not because I can't see how us as women or poeple can listen and support him when he beat someone like that and then didn't have any remorse. How was he sorry then go jet sking on Miami Beach? All smiling in to the camera! He doesn't have any pictures with any bruising or with huge bumps coming out of his head. Even though I feel she didn't making a big deal as I think she should of, I'm not supporting him. I'm not supporting him or anyone that does anything like that. She should make a big deal just because of so many women going through the situation and her as a international icon should lead by example.

The situation is not okay and anyone man or woman doesn't have to put up with any abuse, physical or verbal or ANYTHING! No one has that right to gain power over another human being. We are all humans, we are all equal so stay in your lane!

He is a no GO! Thought? let's talk about it..

When will I get there?

OK well still don't have a bathroom but its coming along.. The walls are finally up but nothing else.. At least they made an outlet because the bathroom had none. So hopefully, I'm praying the bathroom will be done early next week. I still have to shower at my mothers house but it's almost over!!

I had a somewhat stressful day not because of work but because of my school situation. Okay let me start from the beginning. As I posted in my previous blog, I composed my goals and made a timeline. One of the most important ones was to start on my graduate degree. But unfortunately I decided to work on this a little too late. My husband works from NYU so I can get my masters for free, I'm only responsible for student fees and taxes. I'm excited because this is BIG! One problem the programs I want to pursue are not accepting applications because the deadline was February 1st. I'm trying to reach out to people in the school but no one is returning my emails.

Today I read facts about the program which is Mental Health Counseling, NYU only accepts 40 students A YEAR! Now my GPA not very good, doesn't reach 3.0, not because I'm not a good student or because I'm not smart but because when I started school I wasn't focused. But now I am. I feel helpless. I feel like there is no where to go. I have a goal that seems impossible to reach. I want to make a difference in people's lives but I can't seem to get a chance.

I really care about people and helping and becoming a resource. I really need a prayer. 40 students?? What are the odds of my being one of them. A Dominican girl from queens with a sucky GPA but that doesn't tell them who I am, what I'm about. The love and dedication I want to provide to the public. I want to open my counseling office, just come in, sit and let's talk.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to give up but it's hard. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is something I want so bad, it's what I've always wanted, it's something I always imagined myself doing. I want to give back. I want to be the example not only to my future children but to everyone around me. I'll have to continue this tomorrow I'm getting choked up and I'm getting a headache.

Until next time. Thank you for reading. Feel free to leave a comment.

simply Denisi <3.

PS gramatical errors will be corrected tomorrow.

How old is too old to have a baby?

I read a blog that sparked my interest. One of my favorite bloggers posted a blog about a woman having a child at 66. I looked into it and I also found story at MSNBC.com:

Adriana Iliescu, the 66-year-old Romanian who gave birth to baby girl on Jan. 17, 2005. She delivered at the Giulesti Maternity Hospital in Bucharest, Romania. So far she is the oldest to have a baby. The 66-year-old unmarried professor and writer had a emergency C-section. Her doctor, when asked why he would use reproductive technology to permit a 66-year-old woman to become pregnant, said he helped her because that is what she wanted to do, and because he was impressed with her faith in God and with her “determination."

As I reply to the blog I was struggling to make a decision weather I think she should have been allowed to do this. When you first hear about the story you think, no she is definitely to old !!! What is she doing?? But when you take a moment and think. If she wanted to become a mother and experience this, she does have the right. Every woman has the right to experience this wonderful ability. We are biologically here for purpose, we are to bear children. If not men would also have the ability to deliver a child. Who is to say when she should have stopped trying. She kept the hope alive. We never know what she was thinking or feeling. Was there a reason she didn't adopt earlier in life?.. If there was a little slim chance for her to get pregnant not matter what age she was, she would've taken it because that's what she wanted, that was her choice as a woman. Maybe she was thinking better late than never...

Now I was interested in this story because it hit home sort of. My mother was 38-39 when she had me. She too was worried about having a baby at that age but she was remarried and my father was 28 (yes my mother "the cougar" they call her) so he wanted to have a baby. My sister was 20 and my brother was 18 years old so for my mother it not only was taking risks health wise but mentally for her to start over with diapers, crying etc. I'm glad she decided to have me because obviously I'm wonderful (lol kidding), but she always said that when I was born I rejuvenated her. She felt alive again and even though the age was an issue, she doesn't regret it, one because of my father and two because of the overall blessing and joy a woman experiences when she has a baby.

But now this baby has grown up and my mother has gotten older. This whole process was great for my mother and I imagine also for the new 66 year old mother. But when you think about the child, it's not fair. The older mother is probably not going to live a long time, I mean I'm not God but she isn't going to be able to run and actively take care of the baby. Then soon it's going to be the baby taking care of her and that's prob going to start sooner than usual.

My mother couldn't be as active for games and things, I had to rely on my much older brother and sisters. Another thing is that our thoughts are so different because of the gap and don't get me wrong my mother and I have the a great relationship but I do wish my mother was younger. The most worrisome thing I deal with is, losing her. I'm so afraid of her leaving me, I can't imagine it but it's reality. I'm 24 and she 63, I want her to see my kids and just grow old with me. I want my children to experience her.. She isn't sick or anything but my niece is 21 and the others are 14-19 so they got to grow up with a grandmother and remember everything about her. I don't want to rush and have children but of it but it's something I do think about and struggle with. This is my case imagine the child of this woman, you have to worry if anything happens to her, who is going to care for the infant?

I don't want to say that I'm against this and mad about it because it's her choice. But I don't agree with it, it comes off some what selfish.

Interesting topic.

Opinions?

Thanx for your time,

Simply Denisi <3

Bathroom Remodeling NIGHTMARE

OK well I'm going through IT!! I've been almost in tears for ALMOST 2 weeks. My bathroom was basically molding into pieces so my landlord (thank God) decided to do my entire bathroom over. The contractor came over Monday (5/4) and said he was going to start working on it the next day. I was happy to get it over with and indeed Tuesday they came demoed the everything so I was unable to use my bathtub but luckily my parents live a few blacks away so I can take a shower there.

Wednesday rolls around and just my luck the contractor has an emergency job and wasn't able to return until the following TUEDAY!!! yup that's 5/12!!!! So that's one week without a bathroom, just a room with no door and a tiolet (thank God for at least that). So Tuesday he discovered more mold then the pic above so he bascally took down ALL the walls. I dont have pictures of that because my camera has no battery (nice!).

Now we are here on friday (5/15) sheet rock is on wall, no tile, no plaster, not able to shower in my apartment! WTF thats almost 2 weeks with no bathroom!! I so hope this is worth it.. I want the ability to shower in my own house and just come home from work and chill.. Jeez..

Just venting!!

Is it the contractor's fault? I don't know because he couldnt prevent emergencies or the crap that was going in my bathroom BUT I feel that he could be working a little bit faster instead of 3 to 4 hours a day. I feel I can't call the landlord to complain because the contractor is like family lol.. SOO I'm caught UP! I dont know what to DO! I need Jesus lol... Im hoping he will work this weekend and be done at least WEDNESDAY!

God I feel like crying, I just want it to be over!

Happy Monday.. Happy Belated Mama's DAY!

Good evening my dear readers.. Yesterday I decided to create a real full blown website. It'll contain not only my blog but my wanna-be modeling photos and little bio and where I'm going with creation.

I'm a little nervous because I haven't applied to grad school and I've missed all application deadlines, I decided to go to NYU and now I need some help. Tomorrow I will email my helper to see if they can create a miracle and get me in. If not I will have to wait until Fall of 2010 to start and I definitely don't want that.

I've also been reading Naturally Thin: Unleash your skinny girl. I love it! I love the author, she is from The Housewives of NYC show on Bravo. She is the best and the most entertaining. Her book basically give you ten rules that your should follow to take control of your eating habits. I was a little iffy about the book because I'm like this bitch has never been fat so what can she tell me about the struggle. I'm reading up on rule number 3 and so far so good. Its common sense but sometimes you need to be told the obvious to actually realize whats happening. So I'm enjoying the book during my train rides.

Mother's Day was okay this year. I spent the entire day with my mother and my sister came by with my nephews for a few. And that's about it. I wish I could've done more but nowadays we are in a recession so we are on a budget. Next year I defintly want to throw my mother a big birthday bash because this year we didn't do anything.

So that's a little wrap up on my monday.. Well have a wonderful good night..

Simply Denisi <3.

Thought for Food?

Well so far so good in my skinny girl movement but it is a struggle changing these habits. This week I haven't done the 3 day diet, this week I've been trying to watch my intake and try to not go over 500 calories on every meal. That's sometimes is hard because my mother's cooking is not calorie measured so I eat a REALLY small portion or when we go to a restaurant egh the will power! but I'm trying.

As far as how I'm feeling, I'm feeling much better... I have a lot more energy, I feel more in control of myself. I don't really see results physically yet but it's okay.

Sometimes I do feel like oh my god I just want to pig out and have something GOOD! But I have to stop myself and shake it off. And just say no!

Our obsession with food is just crazy. I say us because I know I'm not the only one. Why is eating healthy so dam hard?? I mean come on! When did we become this fat?!! This society has become a fast food craving, barely exercising and morbidly obese one. In NY they "cleaned" the streets up and closed many strip clubs. There can't be a strip club by a school or a church and there can't be strip clubs close to each other. OK that helped, I guess but when are they going to do that with fast food places? Why in a 5 block radius I have a Burger King, 2 McDonald's, White Castle, Wendy's, Papa Johns, 2 Dunkin Donuts, 2 Baskin Robbins and about 6 pizza shops, 4 Mexican places, 2 Spanish restaurants, 4 Diners, 8 Chinese takeout and not to mention Pizza hut, Domino's deliver here but only 1 health food store. Whats that about?

Is there a possibility "they" are making us fat?The more fat we get, the more unhealthy we are so the more doctors we need, more operations, more weight loss programs, need more money therefore waste more money. It's all like a cycle! Why can't they regulate fast food restaurants or at least the food that they serve. The city made a big deal strippers influencing our kids but what about this "fat" problem not only affecting but sometimes even killing our kids?
Just food for thought...

Well its getting late.. Have a great night! BTW this posting time is pacific time, so here it's 12:15 AM..

Always Smiling,

Simply Denisi <3