Life After Gastric Bypass: Self Image

For the most part it's great! I feel good about myself and I'm a lot more social and adventurous. I'm not afraid of taking a risks and really push myself in every aspect. I'm happier, feel more attractive, and a lot more comfortable with myself. I notice now that a year ago I was in a bit of denial. There was parts of me that were okay with me but deep down, I knew the deal.

                                         Back then:

I was lazy. Going up stairs was a drag and I would twice twice and three times about walking down a couple of blocks. I was in denial about it when my mother would comment about it, I would say no I'm active and it's not a big deal. I loved dancing and would never turn down a dance so I would tell myself, "You see I'm not lazy!". I would play these psych games with myself and convince myself that I was fine but again deep deep down I knew.

I knew I should go to the gym, I knew I shouldn't of ate that, I knew I was big but didn't realize I was THAT big.

Now:

I look at pictures and I'm like wow was I really that big? I ask my husband did I really look like that? He says no but my mother says yes. It's really mind boggling because when I look in the mirror I still see myself as I did back then. I notice my collar bone sticks out a little more now but I'm still Denise. This messes with me because now I'm scared. I'm scared that the person I'm looking at is not what the public looks at. I've become obsessed with makeup and try to wear almost every day. It makes me feel better, I'll be honest almost like a mask. This week I haven't worn any, I don't want this to be me. I don't want to become dependent on anything. I used to be dependent on food (I'm still working on that) and now I'm picking up something else.

I try to keep myself on check by stepping back and really looking at my behaviors. This may sound crazy but I just want to be aware of myself.

Scared of Failure: I'm still scared of failure well I know I hope I can do it but scared of others looking at me and thining wow she should've lost more weight or wow all of that surgery but still look like that?? I had someone ask me today, "so when is your surgery scheduled for?" I was almost in tears. Or when they ask "so how much have u lost? Like 40?", I just want to scream. Ugh. It will get better though.

It's all a process and since it's so life changing, it's very emotional with again high and lows. I'm just rolling with the punches taking the positive with the negative. I'm very optimistic for the future, while living once day at a time. Hope this is a little helpful. If you have any questions or comments dont think twice to leave a comment or shoot me an email.

With Love Always,

SimplyDenisi. <3  

Life After Post- Gastric Bypass (9 Months)

Life is good with it's ups and down. I'm almost 9 months post-op and am down 110 pounds without even trying. It feels good. I never knew how self conscious I was pre-op, how restricted I felt and especially how different people treat you.

I look back at pictures and I didn't know I was actually that big. I was 315 pounds and felt I didn't look it but I was in denial. But one thing I will admit it took my a while to actually see the difference and still I feel the same but lighter. It's a little hard to explain but since I'm not constantly in front of a mirror, I feel I'm the same person and look pretty much the same. When I put on my old clothes, I'm like wow this is really big on me and it feels good but when I go shopping I still for a second look for my old size 24 then it's like oh yea no I'm a 14 now. When I'm on the train and there is a seat in between 2 people, I still tighten myself and hold my breath and go in slowly because I still don't think I can fit into that small space, only to find out not only do I fit but there is a little more wiggle room. When old friends look at me, I still feel like they are looking at my rolls or big cheeks so I automatically suck in my gut in a little but they are just so surprised on how much I've changed (then I can exhale). When I look at pictures i realize a little more that I've lost some weight but I still have some insecurities.

The Good:
I do feel better fitting into smaller clothes. I feel things look much better but my legs are still on the bigger side (I feel). I feel lighter and not as lazy. I can walk faster and don't mind walking. Going up stairs is a million times easier. I like eating smaller portions. My confidence is higher than it used to be. I'm motivated to go out, dress up more, take care of myself. I feel a whole new world has opened up. People treat me much better, are much nicer to me (which is so sad and makes me a upset because I'm still the same person).

The Bad:
I have a huge fear of gaining weight or not losing enough. I look at other people and they have lost a lot more weight than me (but then again I haven't joined the gym) and now my weight loss has slowed down I'm scared I'm still going to be "fat". Before the surgery I used to say when I get to a size 12 I will feel good and it'll be perfect but now I'm like no I want to be thin. When people look at me I don't want then to think "oh she is chubby", "if she lost 10 more pounds she will be perfect". NO! I want when people to look at me "a weight problem" won't even cross their minds. This is exhausting believe me. I'm extremely happy I got the surgery because I do feel better than I did before but sometimes I feel it's a never ending struggle. I just think one day, one day I won't worry about this. Hopefully.

Well I hope all is good on your side. Today is a very gloomy raining day on mine.

Simply Denisi <3.

My Lonely Place

Morning Tweet: Hi lonely place, it's been a while..

It's been a while since I've been here. Nothing has changed. Still small, still grey, four walls, one window, one door and 1 favorite corner. I've been here since last night and have yet figured out my way out.

Today, I feel a little blue. I don't really know why (maybe I'm hormonal, lord knows).

Sometimes I feel like I have it all figured out and my life is going as planned. Then all of a sudden, I'm confused, I don't know what I want, what I'm doing. I hate when I'm in this place, because I feel so scared. Deeply scared where I can feel it in my heart. I just want to crawl into a corner and be left alone and just cry it out and scream for my mommy. Things are not clear today, I'm not happy today with anything.

It'll get better, tomorrow is another day but today I just want to think and be to myself.

Just Denisi.

My Word for 2011

My one word for 2011 is ** Confidence **
~full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing
~belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance
~certitude; assurance

-Dictionary.com

I'm really going to keep this in mind throughout the year. Last year was my year of change, everything was set up but this year is where I follow though with all my changes. I need all my confidence, every bit of it this year so I can lose all my weight, make the decision of when to have children, succeed in school, just everything in my life. Usually I have some confidence in somethings but I have the tendency to second guess myself then lose confidence, eventually want to give up then the depression sets in and so on. I've struggled with confidence but it's my word for this year and like last year this year will be awesome!

I have full trust in myself and my goals

I believe in the powers, trustworthiness and reliability of MYSELF

I will do, I am doing it, I will succeed

I do believe in myself

Simply Confident,

Denisi <3

2011: New Year ... New Ideas

2010: 

January 2010 Lemmy was born!

Oh how I'm going to miss you. You were so good to me, my life changed so much during your year.

-was accepted to a MSW program

-started school

-had my surgery

-lost 75 pounds

-traveled

-grew up a little more

-learned more about life, love

-made new friends 



March 2010 Visited Disney for the 1st time!

 I got most if not everything I wanted out of the year, I have no complaints, no regrets just two thumbs up. Now it's time for a new year, and figure out what i want out of it. I think this year is going to be my education year. I want to educate myself as much as possible. I want to read and learn more about branding and marketing, about creating my website, about making a business successful, and about taking control of my finances.

This year:

June 2010

-read more books

-save money

-get out of debt as much as possible
-lose more weight
-buy a car, or at least drive one
-travel to somewhere new
-excerise more, gym membership
-remember birthdays

-stay positive

-stay growing

 

July 2010 Dominican Republic

 


July 2010 Dominican Republic

Day 3 after surgery August 2010

  

September 2010 Amelie is born!

 



October 2010 Carol is married!

  



November 2010 in love with Amelie!



 


 
 

Christmas Eve 2010



Christmas Eve 2010

  

December 2010



I'm proud of who I became in 2010 and who I'm going to be for 2011. Happy New Year world! Hoping the best for everyone!



Spouse Dependency: How much is good?

Seeing my parents together as a child painted a picture of what I didn't want to have, what i didn't want to become. My mother came to the US when she was an adolescent and has been traveling back and forth from Dominican Republic and is ten years my fathers senior. My parents met in DR and migrated to NY to start a new life together. My mother found a decent job in the garment district but my father on the other had had a very hard time with this new world, the new language, the American culture. Since he didn't know the language or any trade or education he had to settle working at a sugar factory making close to nothing. For as long as I can remember my mother was the bread winner in our home but she never made no mention of it. I didn't know until I was older.

When I was a teenager he got a job as a superintendent and a few weeks later my mother was laid off and the tables turned. With that came all kinds of changes, change I will never forget. He was now the breadwinner, he paid the bills, and then I guess he felt power, the MAN. This is when it got bad, when they would have arguments he would shoot back well this is my house and you can leave. Everything he did, every penny he paid he made sure we knew, and we felt it. This was when the verbal abuse got real bad the worst. He would tear my mother apart with his words and made us feel worthless. I would beg my mother to leave him but her answer was always, "where are we going to go?". My mother was trying to find another job but her work was being shipped over seas for cheap labor and the jobs that remained would only be enough for the rent. She felt stuck and like she had to suck it up and be strong in order for me to have a roof over my head.

While this was going on my sister started having some of the same issues with her spouse. He also became a superintendent, was verbally abusive and my sister was stuck but she refused. She worked hard and held on tight for a few months, packed up her and her 3 children and bought her home. She refused to be in a unhealthy situation that didn't meet her needs. She went through a lot but she was focused and determined on making her life work and moving on to have a peaceful mind and environment for her children. I was and still am proud of her beyond words, I look up to her and because of her I know I can do it.

During my situation, I hated the way I felt and as a confused adolescent, my attitude was like eff the world but then as a I got older and saw my sister going through it and survive alone, the question of "what I am going to do so I can get out of this situation?" I never want to feel like I have to rely or depend on anyone again. I won't let a man define me, I rather be by myself and adopt children than be with someone who mistreats me. I will never go through it, I've made it clear to all my relationships and to my friends and family. If they see me tell me so I can be aware and snap out of it. That was my motivation for turning my life around and started working towards finishing my high school diploma, going to college, getting a job, everything! Everything I do is for me, my future, and my future children. I don't want to owe anyone anything, I don't want to be taken care of so that when they feel they can belittle me. I rather live under a cardboard box and call it my own than be with someone because I need them to survive, to pay my bills, to take care of me and be unhappy. We don't need anyone to survive but ourselves, our motivation is what helps us make it and if you work and believe towards where you want to be, you will get there. There may be bumps on the way teaching you lessons but keep on going, never stop, everything happens for a reason and you will get where you want to be and destined to be.

In my household sometimes I struggle with the issues of my past because sometimes I get scared and I'm very quick to want to bail because I can. Relationships take work and nothing is never perfect but I always make sure I'm comfortable, that I'm happy and that I'm willing to put of and work through some issues because I want to not because I have to. I make sure there is a balance, I don't let others get in the way of me as an individual, of what I want my family to be and what I want to do and get out of life. I always keep in the back of my head that there is a chance I can end up alone with my children and I'm okay with that. Sometimes it feels like I'm in a lonely place but if there is no one in this earth that can be equal with me,  do something for me or our family without throwing it back in my face or hold it as ammunition to make a point, then it's meant to be and I shall be alone. The only person I trust 100%, I'm not afraid to ask for help, trust with my life, I know always has me at number one and has always ALWAYS been there for me eventhough we go through our issues and she has her own, is my mother. I try to figure out what am I going to do when she leaves me. The thought scares me, I hope to have children by then so I can cope better.

Many great powerful, strong women are not married or with anyone and I understand why.

My story continues, let's see what happens...
I will always be okay, I'm a survivor.

Non supportive mother

My mother comes over today because I'm sick so she brought me soup. Before she comes in I have to make sure everything is in it's place, I change clothes so i can look/feel skinny, I do everything so that maybe just maybe she can one day be somewhat, a little impressed or compliment me or my life. I don't let it absorb me but it is in the back of my head when I'm around her.

Well today she sits in my living room and

she asks me so "how much have u lost?"
Me: About 75 lbs (with a smile thinking she is going to be impressed because it's only been 4 months)
Her: you still have a lotta stomach. U have to lose weight in your stomach
Me: ok

I look away trying to fight the tears thinking here we go and why?? Why must she do that?!?! I'm mad, I'm sad but I swallow it change the conversation and move on...

Just another day in the life of the phat fat girl...

Struggles of being Obese, Over-Weight, Big, Fat etc.

Last night I experienced one of the most humiliating moments with my family that left me disgusted with everyone. It didn't happen to me but it has before but this time I was an outsider looking in and for once their disapproving eyes weren't on me. Because I wasn't the one being humiliated, my feelings for the situation were even stronger because I know how she felt, I felt what she felt and it hurt. Now let me explain what exactly happened:

We were on this ultra sensitive elevator going up to my parents house, it was me, her and 2 others when the elevator just stopped and got stuck. You see this special elevator like I said is ultra sensitive so when I get in it I try not to even move or go in with too many people. I guess we had too many people in it and it stopped. I know how my parents and family are so I prayed they wouldn't have any dumb fat comments. There were none, that we can hear anyway. Until it was time to go, as we were saying our good-byes to everyone my uncle stops and says to her. How did you think you can get in the elevator when the weight limit was 2,000 pounds and you alone reach capacity. Then everyone started laughing and I felt it. The embarrassment, the humility, the sadness, the anger, just a million feelings. Wanting to tell everyone to eff off, you cruel insensitive people. But she kept her composure and laughed it off and walked away. I wanted to cry and scream for her. I've been there before, a million times before with them but back then I had no where to go but the bathroom to cry and console myself because no one understood. I always stood alone as the fat one and when I said something the responses would be: "They are just joking", "they are just concerned", "they do it because they love you and just want you to lose weight", "why don't you just stop eating and exercise", "just lose weight", a total disregard for my feelings.

Now after the surgery and and 70 pounds lighter I don't feel as self conscious as I used to but sometimes I forget I'm not as big and still have the feelings. I've cried for her for since last night. No one knows this feeling, unless you are big no one can even imagine. We are still people with personalities other than being over weight. Others don't understand this is an illness like substance abuse but it's part of our physical. It's an illness you can see but that doesn't mean we need to be reminded, it doesn't mean we are weird and need to be stare at, we are people! Regular people that sometimes over eat and have a little junk in our trunk!

I sometimes wish everyone with this issue could have the surgery or be the same size, just so we can ALL feel better about ourselves, I mean the surgery doesn't fix it all. The eating and emotional issues are still there but it's a tool to help us loose some of the weight. I don't want to promote the surgery like that because one has to be ready for it and want it. It's a huge step and I'm so scared of failure, I've become emotionally attached to my scale. When I don't see it move, I feel scared with a chance of failure. Then for the rest of the day I feel really conscious of what I eat and how much. But the good part is that I can fit into a more comfortable size (16 from 24 almost 26) and I'm a little bit more confidence when I go out. I feel better being intimate with my husband. It has a lot of positives but you definitely have to be mentally ready for the good AND the bad.

I've always had an optimistic outlook in life. Just let things roll down not letting comments get to me. I've always tried to overcome my issues and live as freely and positive as possible but sometimes it does get to me. Sometimes in the back of my head I feel people still stare, I could just imagine what they were thinking, I second guessed myself, the what-if thoughts are always around the corner and that moment yesterday with her triggered all those feelings. I felt them, all of them. And they are the problem, my family, my Dominican culture, this society, this skinny culture but they out number us and instead of helping us, they laugh and make us feel isolated.

But know even though you may feel alone, you are not and don't give up on the battle. We are all here for a reason and are the way we are for a reason. The battle is not over until you say it's over and always have control over your own life and live with no regrets. I had the surgery because I wanted to. I felt I needed to do it to help me, help me lose weight, get healthy and begin healing me. As you can tell I still struggle with some emotions but I cope. If you've had the surgery or is thinking about the surgery join or visit thinnertimesforum.com , this has been amazing to me. I found super inspiring people here and they have helped be move forward and keep fighting.

If you are going through something, want someone to speak to or anything please don't hesistate to contact me at simplydenisi@gmail.com

Days Leading to Weight Loss Surgery - Gastric Bypass

Well Well hello hello... How you doing? (In my NY accent)..

A lot has happened since my last post.. I went into surgery on Thursday, August 26, 2010. Anddd it was a success! Thank you for all the prayers and all the great wishes. I had my gastric bypass surgery and when I went into surgery I was 309 pounds and now almost 3 months later I'm at 258. I'm pretty proud of myself even though it hasn't been easy, it has definitely been worth it.

Weeks before surgery I thought I was going to die, I was super nervous. I was preparing myself for the worst, I was doubting weather I wanted to go through with it. it was all I thought about all day, everyday but when I got the urge to call the Doctor and cancel I told myself, "NO! You will go through with it! Even if you die, it'll be okay but hopefully you don't die and you'll one day be a normal weight and be able to wear knee high boots."

Yes it sounds dumb but yes I have this little convos in my head lol. And yes what keeps me going is the thought of me one day wearing the knee high boots. Every time I see someone wearing them or try some on (that don't fit, I know they won't fit but I keep hope alive) I say to myself, "One day! One day I will!!." lol  

Okay well back to preparing for surgery: Yes, I was driving myself nuts with all the negative things that can happen but the positive kept me going. I was looking and googling everything about the surgery. I was reading blogs and I wanted to be as prepared as possible, I didn't want anything to surprise me. Thankfully I read some great blogs like this one and this forum. You see I was happy. I've been big all my life but there were times where I felt pretty and attractive and my health was fine. But since last year I gained all this extra weight (like 40 pounds) I felt out of breathe, I felt slow, I felt big. I've been against this weight loss surgery but I got tired of the yo-yo weight and the worst of all I started getting a little depressed and I wasn't feeling good about myself and felt myself just closing up and not wanting to go out and socialize. Most people in my family have had it and they've had good results and I just wanted to go back to the old confident me.

When I had the surgery, I remember waking up in recovery and feeling totally aware of everything around me. All the little pains, the oxygen tube in my nose, the oxygen going inside of me, my stomach and I was scared. I was alone, no one looked familiar, I wanted to cry like a little girl who was left alone in a park full of people. A nurse came up to the side of my bed and told me he was at my surgery and asked of I was okay. I said, "no it hurts". Then he told me about the morphine and I asked him how big is my stomach then he should be how much 30cc was. But then by the time I knew it I was out until they told me I had a phone call and it was my parents and I started to cry. I cried because I was happy they were there and because I was a little down.

After the surgery, when I had time by myself I would like and ask, "Why me?" Why do I have to do go ALL of this to be happy and normal? Why do I have to go through this? I would let myself cry for a few minutes but tired to snap out and said, "It is what it is." Took a deep breath and it made me feel better. I thanked God that I had 2 months off work to concentrate on myself and get through this.

2010 Update

Well well, hello hello ...

I know I know.. What my deal?? I go MIA and come in and out.. Where do I go, what do I do.. Well I've been here getting everything together. Going to doctors appointments, registering for school, working...

Sooooo I got into grad school (YAYAYYYYY!) so in a few weeks I'm on my way to an MSW (Master's in Social Work). I'm so happy, so proud of myself. I want to do so much, I want to change lives, I want to help people. I want to show everyone YES we ALL can!! A spick girl from Queens, NY who was almost a high school drop out made it. Made it to graduate school, made it where I want to be. Everything I've put my mind to it, I've accomplished, with a few bumps but I've made it. After my degree I hope to one day open my business. I want to open a counseling center or an after school program for adolescents or something to help the community, my borough, my city, my state and someday maybe the nation and who knows the world lol.. I know, I know now I'm just thinking crazy. But who knows maybe one day.  Very proud and grateful!

Another note something else is also happening. In November 2009 I started considering gastric bypass and in July everything was finalized and approved. I had my surgery date for July 22, 2010 but I was too anemic and they postponed it. Now I'm okay everything has been cleared and it's going to happen any day now. I'm excited I can't wait til I see and feel results. I've been feeling sick and fat for a year now and I can't wait until I feel normal. I want to be healthy again, I want to start my family, I want to fit into rides at amusement parks and just feel NORMAL!. I've always have been big but I've felt great with my size 16-18 but last year I was really anemic and I couldn't exercise, I could barely move, I slept most of the day because I was so tired. My hemoglobin was at 6-7 and I felt terrible. Since then I've gained 40-50 pounds and now I feel slow, big, double chinned and just big. But hopefully in a few months this will all change.

I've been researching the surgery everyday, reading blogs, reading research, life pre-op, life post op, just everything. I feel like I have a good grasp on it and hopefully everything works out as long as I follow the guidelines and my doctors instructions. (..sigh..) yea man I've signed up for another adventure, lets see where this one takes me but so far so good ...

Thinking about the future excites but at the same time it scares me. So many things can and will change. Things surprise you and test you but I just follow my heart and hope for the best. Everything happens for a reason and I'm a huge believer of that. Life has taught me that over and over again. Even when you are in a bad, sad place when you are stuck don't worry you are there for a reason just have faith and keep working on yourself when you look back you'll understand why you were there. Everything we read, everyone we meet, everything we touch, smell, feel is there to teach you, to enlighten you, to encourage you. So embrace it, learn from it and move on..

Well that's enough with the life lessons lol.. I have to post more things about my history but with everything happening it's a little hard. My nephew is going to be a senior in HS this year I'm always researching colleges and scholarships and wow is that time consuming or what!! He has good grades so he has so many choices but the better the school the more expensive. I want him to go to a great school but I don't want him to have a debt of $300,000 when he gets out either. But if he gets into an ivy league I would hate to take away that opportunity. It's so hard when it was time for me to go to school I didn't have any choices. The only school I could get into was a community college. But if you have any advice for us, feel free to comment or write me an email at simplydenisi@gmail.com .. :)

Hope everyone has a great day!!

Love Always,

simply Denisi <3

High School Graduate: If I did it, anyone can!

Sometimes I speak to friends from high school and they tell me how proud they are that I made it. I've completed my BA, I have a stable job, I have no children out of wedlock, I married after school, I have my own apartment, now Im looking to move foward and completing my MA. I feel I didn't do anything spectacular, it's not like I got amazing grades and was valedictorian. I was an average student that did what anyone could've done. I wasn't saved or had some amazing opportunity, everything I did in terms of school and everything else, anyone could've done.

When I was in high school I was a terrible student, I barely went to school and even when I did show up I didn't go to most of my classes. I had no aspirations, I didnt know what I wanted to be when I grew up, I didnt even think about it. I think back and I wonder where was my mind at and why didnt anyone simply ask me? I wasn't a bad girl, I was still nice, sweet, caring but I wasn't focused on anything. Not my life, not my future. I was just living in the moment, waiting for something to happen. Like me there are thousands of adolescents today out there waiting for something to happen, someone to speak to them, someone to raise awareness.

I knew about college, I knew it was there but I didn't see myself going because it seemed hard, nothing I could get into, nothing I can do. Until a guidance counselor took the time and asked me about my future plans, asked me about graduating high school, told me about community college. Told me I had choices where my grades didnt matter, I only needed a diplomia or a GED. Then we spoke about how I can complete my diplomia, graduate on time and move on. When I spoke to her I told her its impossible, I'm supposed to be in my senior year and only have 22 out of 40 credits but we made a plan and at the end of the year I graduted with 52 credits. I went to school all day (7:25 AM to 4 PM) then twice a week I went to night school til about 9 PM. I struggled a little bit but I did it. Just like I did it everyone could.

I'm not a genius (tell from my grammer errors) believe me I'm not I just figured out what I wanted. To be clear I didn't just figure it all out in one day. I gave it some thought.. Where do I wanna see myself in June? Where do I wanna see myself next year? Where do I wanna see myself in 5 or 10 years?

In 2002 (when I graduated HS) I only knew I wanted to be out of high school, and I mostly knew what I didnt want. I didn't want to become a statistic, I didn't want to get pregnant, I didn't want to drop-out of HS, I didn't want to work at a minimium wage job forever, I didn't want to go to public assistance, I didn't want to count on a man for anything. I wanted more, I wanted be able to pay my own rent, buy my own things, stand on my own two feet so I wouldn't feel stuck with anyone because I couldn't survive on my own (I'll tell you why another time).

I am where I am because of me. I made the decision to try and beat the statistics and I'm still trying...

Don't be shy.. Contact me email (simplydenisi@gmail.com) or simply leave a comment :) I'm here for everyone :)

SimplyDenisi <3

And the grind continues...

And the grind continues...

Well I'm still hoping for the best in 2010. I haven't been accepted to any graduate program. I've received some rejection letters and havent heard anything from three programs. I want this like you wouldn't believe. I want to be successful, I want to set an example for my children, I want to have a career. But none of these programs care, they dont know me. My GPA is not as high as it should be but I poured my heart out on my statement of purpose and I have 6 graduate credits that proves I can do the work. I just want to chance to go out there and change lives and I know I can. But let's see where it takes me..

I hope to get accepted to a MSW program or a Mental Health Counseling program, I want to work with adolescents in a school setting and in the future open my own practice. I have plans people and why can't an admissions comittee see that?

I dont want to give up, Im not going to give up. When I think this year my going to be 26, I feel time is running out. If I get accepted for Fall I can work on my school work and prepare to have my children when I'm about 28 which I think it's the perfect time. By that time I can have my masters or almost be done, I'll have my house. That'll happen in my little perfect world but things seem to hold me back but one day I'll get there.

SimplyDenisi <3

2010 = Skinny + Educated

Hey guys :) New year and a start of a new life.. Just like everyone else, the end of the year came around and I started thinking what's my new year going to look like?

In November when my husband had fork over $4,000 for my education, I realized I couldnt go back to school the following semester unless a few things happened. One I save $4000 so my husband wouldnt be burdened or I get accepted to a program so I can take a student loans. I couldn't do neither in such short notice so I deceided, If Im not going to be able to go to school I HAVE to do something to continue to better myself.

I've committed myself that in 2010, Im going to do something to better myself everyday. Even the smallest thing like educate myself in something I was curious about or filling out and graduate school application, just anything to keep things moving in a positive direction. During my semester off Im going to be working on a few big things. Im going to be applying to graduate programs, Im going to be working at becoming healthier, looking for a better job, and just work on myself. And so far so good! It's the middle of Febuary and I've got A LOT done.

I decided to attack my obecity and work toward weight loss surgery. I've looked at it many times. My sister got it done about 6-7 years ago and since then my family has been down my throat about it. "Oh just imagine how pretty you would be", "Clothes would fit you so much better", "How much happier you would be" BLAH BLAH BLAH! NO!!!! Leave me alone!!! By eveyone attacking me about it and trying to push me to do it made that not even an option. It just hurt me and made me feel like I was in a pool full of skinnys and Im the whale in the middle. It made me eat more, food is my comfort, food understands where Im coming from. Its just there for me like a drug, crazy to say but I kindof understand addicts.

My decision to go through with it was made in October/Novemeber. I was on my skinny girl mentality grind in the spring of 2009. I was determined to think like a healthy conscious person and lose weight. I lost a little over 20 pounds in a short time and I was on a roll! But then I got sick. I was horrible! I got really severly anemic, I had a blood transfusion, I developed cranial hypertension. I felt weak, sick and I really thought I was about to die. I couldn't do anything, not excerise, not be on a diet, it was the worst exprience. I was sick until about August/ September when I got everything under control but I was just trying to get back on my feet and started school and when I stepped in the scale BOOM!! I had gained 35 pounds! Just like that I gained one clothing size! Im just fed up with this up and down, with this problem that I can't seem to shake off. Its just always there! It's like fighting a never ending battle.

I need to do something! I want to have children in the future and I dont want this to be an issue. So I decieded for me! I called my doctor and he referred me to the surgoen. I didnt tell anyone because this was going to be for me and I didnt want to be congraduated, I didnt want to hear anyone's opinion. I just wanted to think for myself and do it for ME.

I walked in to a packed office, full of big just out of surgery people. I felt everyone looked at him and thought "yea we know why you're in here.. you're next" I was scared, embrassed, sad... I wanted to reschedule and run out or just leave and say it was too packed, too long of a wait time. No one knew I was there, no one would know I chickened out. But I signed in and asked for the wait time which was over an hour and a half. I left I needed air, I needed to think, breathe, cry. But no it was something I HAD to do so I went into a Barnes and Noble sat with starbucks in had and broused some books. I didnt think about it by the time I knew time was up and I needed to go back to see the doctor.

The doctor was nice. He was a tall, thin, light skin cuban man. I had a knot in my stomach but thank God he was so easy going. He explained everything, all the possibilites and just made me feel like it was no biggy. The scary part was when I got home. Everything hit me, I just laid down with a pillow in my face balling. Thinking WHY? Why me? Why do I have to go through this? Why cant I just have 20 lbs to lose get on a diet and lose it? It's like a disability, I think about it, I feel it, I live it EVERYDAY! I can't ignore it any longer. I'm married, I want to have children, he wants to have children and because my super overweight I dont ovulate making it impossible to conceive. I was just thinking about everything but after I got it all out. I felt it was all going to be okay and it could be worst. Sometimes it gets overwhelming. I get scared. Am I ever going to overcome this part of my life? Is it always going to be this way? Is the surgery going to work?

The doctor has a really nice support network. Pre-op patients work with his nurse practioner. I went to see her shortly after the first consultation and she gave me all the paper work and told me everything that needed to be done and submitted. I have to see her every month and we will dicuss everything that will be expected and just follow-up on appointments etc. She is also really nice and supportive. She explains everything in full detail, makes me feel comfortable and so far this process has been very pleasant. It's Febuary and I'm done with all my pre-op visits I just have to continue seeing my general physician for the next four months. So Hopefully I'll have my surgery in July. Im going to travel to my homeland (Dominican Republic) in June so I cant get it before.

Exhale.

Now with graduate school, I've just finished applying to seven different programs for social work (MSW) and mental health counseling. So I'm just playing the waiting game ugh (the worst part).

Just an update on my life. I will be posting my statement of purpose that my dear friend/co-worker has helped me write. So baby steps do get you somewhere. I have my goals together and they'll be my focus for 2010. So BIG HUGE life changing things will be happening in 2010 (hopefully)..

That's where I am.

Thanks you coming by!

Simply Denisi <3.

Note: Needs ALOT of editing.. Bear with me will get it done..

To Fail or Not to Fail

Well after an agonizing wait my first paper came back.. B+ its okay but for a girl looking for an A it's not so good. You see now I have to really plan my plan B. And I really don't want to. This is very depressing and stressful. I have so much pressure and so much determination but I feel like I'm fighting a battle that's been lost already.
People tell me relax, you're thinking too much into it. It's not that serious and I know it isnt I've been in school for most of my life. But I cant HELP feeling this way. When I got my paper I was shaking, I didnt want to look at it but I did. I didn't know what to expect, I felt sweaty, my hearting was pounding, I just had to open it then BOOM B+. My intial reaction was like okay how can I make this to an A, I'll make it so my final average equals an A. But as everyone else received their paper and the professor was talking about the great papers. I started feeling little again. Then I read his comment on how I have to be more sophisticated. What? I know my vocabulary is not 100% but come on I'm a Dominican New Yorker, I'm not white, I dont use big words when I speak. When I'm writing my papers I write how I know how to write. I use big words when appropriate, I check my grammer, I had other people read it a thousand times to make sure it sounded like I knew what I was talking about. I got good reviews.

Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing or what should I do. This new school has thrown my off my mental state. But its me I know it. I usually cope with things pretty good. This is really kicking my ass, this has been the hardest. So far so bad :( I'm a really spirtual person, I go by energys and I believe everything happens for a reason and if things are meant to be, they will be. But this I dont know. Should I fight or should I let it go and see where it goes. Its hard because I dont want to do all this work and fight then lose anyway. I dont want to let it go because I want it SOOO bad! This is what I want; this is what I want to do.

Maybe it's because I'm an only child but I'm a thinker. I think A LOT about everything. I didn't have any siblings around so I couldn't speak to anyone but myself. It was me and my mom (always makes me so emotional) but I didn't have anyone to share things with and get some feedback. I couldn't share everything with my mother because she was raised not only ina different country but a different time. So I was left to figure things out by myself. It's going to sound crazy but when things are going on I talk to myself and just talk it through. Sometimes I still do it, I cry by myself and laugh by myself. It makes me feel better like I have someone there. I'm like my own best friend :) I'm not crazy lol.

Man I'm going to do it. Once again I'm going to throw myself in there but I'm scared.

Have a good night!

Simply Denisi <3

*These entires haven't been edited as you can tell, I will get around to it this weekend.

Just Me ...

Rainy day in NYC and I'm at work ugh! I've been feeling a little blue lately and sometimes I'm experiencing these mini-anxiety attacks. (what's that about?) And no I'm not PMSing. I've been under pressure from no one in particular just myself; some financial, some personal. I've just been feeling very alone and insecure; no one gets me. I don't have a best friend and I really haven't had one since high school and sometimes it really gets to me. I have friends but no one that I feel comfortable enough to burden with my issues or thoughts. I have my husband but I don't want to burden him either. I just sometimes need a friend not just any friend but an exclusive best friend. It might sound silly and even a little immature but everyone (my friends) seem to have their own best friend so I don't want to be like second best friend or something.

My best friend was like the best, I loved her like family, like a sister. I would kill and die for her and I felt the same way back. I mean she knew everything about me and I knew everything about her. Barely fought or had disagreements. We had the greatest time together we were bad girls together and were good girls together. Always had something to speak about. Everything we did and anywhere we went, we were together. I just felt like I had someone there for me. Sometimes I don't like going to places alone or planning things alone and sometimes I just want someone's opinion. And I don't have that right now. It's just me, myself and I.

Sometimes I don't mind being by myself, I pretty independent and I love having me time. I sit home, watch TV or just sit a think. I think about my goals and what am I going to do. I plan my me day when I'm home alone, I plan my menu for the day, my movie list, my music play list, my comfy clothes and just chill. If I need to cry I do, I reminisce, I do my makeup and I take pictures. lol It may seem corny and boring but I work my inner Denise out. Its feels a lot better than it sounds. Its sounds a little crazy but it's not lol I hope lol.It's a little secret that I guess isn't a little secret anymore. :)

Right now I'm just going through somethings.. I'm dealing with a new school and just adapting to being an A student which I've never worked that hard. So now I'm scared of failing. I'm scared that I'm going to spend so much time effort and money then at the end I still won't be accepted to the program. I'm scared to face the reality that I'm just a dumb chubby latina. I know I'm not but in this school that I'm going to be have honor students, people working towards their doctorate, well spoken professionals. Then you have me..

In one hand I'm excited to go to school and aim for the best and be around all these intellect professional but in the other I feel under qualified, i feel super young and immature. I tell myself nah you bugging Denise you can do why not, you just have to put your all into it. BUT I can't help it, I just can't stop. I feel like a scared 5 year old going to her first day of school every time! I tell myself everything is going to be okay; but is it really? What happens if it's not? Then what all this hard work for nothing because it's still not going to be good enough? I think about it and I get nervous, my heart starts beating super fast, my eyes water and I feel crazy (anxiety). But I can't do anything about it, just do what I can.

BUT THEN..

I'm pretty independent. I like doing things myself so that then in case whatever happens I don't owe anyone anything or if things go bad I don't have anyone to blame but myself.

My husband works at a university, a prestigious university in NY, because he is an employee his family can attend the school for free. I took advantage but my grades weren't good enough to get into the school so they allowed me to take 2 courses as a "non-student" so I can then apply to and have a better chance. They said you only have to pay the school fees and the taxes. I get the bill and its $700 and I'm like this is going to be GREAT! I wish! Last week they have started bascially taking an extra $200 in taxes fro my husbands paycheck and they will do that for the next 10 weeks! YES 10 weeks!! That's $2000 in taxes! I mean it's still a good deal to go to this school but charge me! I dont have this kind of money to pay him back. We have bills, super credit cards. This is just a huge set back.

I know, he is my husband, we are a family. my bills are his bills, visa-versa. He hasn't complained but still. I feel bad and even worse that I dont have 200 a week so maybe I can put on one of his bills. So I've decided I'm not going back to school until I can either pay him or take a loan to cover our expenses. BUT I can't take a loan until I am officially accepted to the counseling program. UGH!

Everything goes as God planned it to be...

If anyone is out there please pray for me.. I really really want this.
Well until next time. Peace and good health.
simplyDenisi <3

Just me.

I'm back and ready to conquer it ALL.

Well I see I lost some followers but new beginnings it is.

I've fell off my dieting and exercising and just focused on getting better then came school. I didn't even want to think about dieting even though it was in back of my head everyday. I realized we are really obsessed with food, dieting, self imagine and sometimes it looks and feels so unhealthy.

WoW will I spend my entire life yo-yoing with diets and thinking about my diet. It makes me sad to think this is going to be a never ending struggle.

I don't think I'm necessarily obsessed because I try not to think about it as much.

But I DO think about and it DOES bother me. When I do think about I try to shake it off and think like no

Denise you are who you are and eff them. I can't help but when I'm around my thin sisters or my other family members I feel ugly, fatter than what I usually feel then I think I HAVE to lose weight RIGHT NOW. I don't want to eat around them. I sometimes don't like to eat in front of people generally because I am the size that I

am they might think I eat like a pig and keep it fat kid style all day but I don't. Don't get me wrong I pig out sometimes but usually I get full really fast; I don't like greasy, fatty foods like that, I don't eat candy often but I am obsessed with

chocolate.

Most of the time I am comfortable with myself and I love my chubby self but others make me feel self conscious because being over-weight isn't socially accepted. Will we ever over come this?

Don't get me wrong I get it, we are unhealthy, we ha

ve a short life span etc. BUT my mother's side of the family is mostly overweight; so is that a coincidence? The advice thin or "healthy" people give me never surprises me. Since I've been overweight all my life and have known about it I've been hearing all the health risks and how to lose weight, and when to lose weight and how different I would look, feel, be.. I'VE HEARD IT ALL.. Sometime others just don't understand what we struggle with.. I mean we can be almost compared to like when Africans were slaves. We aren't beaten or even go thought what they went through but they were looked at as different. People made them feel inferior and like outsiders living in white society. We are fattys living in a "skinny" society.

I cope with it pretty well. I have my good days and bad days but mostly good but others don't. They are looked as hungry hippos so they conform and in their mind they use food as make me feel better pill. The pill works for about 5 seconds then it's like wha

t did I do? DAM that 5 MORE pounds! But they fall into it again then it becomes a cycle then you're superduper obese.

Sometimes it's deeper. I'm still looking and working on myself but it's a work-in-progress. When I'm home and something is bothering me or I'm depressed I do eat more but why? Why does my friend losses her appetite and experiences the total opposite when she is depressed but my appetite increases by like 100%?

What shall we do? When will we change? Obesity is a huge problem, have you guess seen the McDonalds portions in europe compared to the ones in the states? funny. They can control fast food over there why can't our government do the same here? The FDA controls everything else? Why not control what vendors put in our food? It's almost like they don't care, or trying to make us sicker so more money for programs, more money for doctors, more money for taxes.

Why are people trying to fight Obama on healthcare?

Im not like making theories or trying to uncover government secrets, I just wonder whats going on sometimes.. looking at the bigger picture..

Interesting...

Until next time.

simplyDenisi <3

Hello there... ;)

Well GOOD evening loves... We meet again...

So much has happened, so much to tell so many thoughts that I would like to share.. So many things to do so little time.. I've went back to school for my masters in Mental Health Counseling YES! :)

My health is pretty much 100 % :)

AND I'm back to being SIMPLY Denisi! another :)

So let rekindle our love and move foward...

I'm going to start blogging once again and I'm very excited. They took away my internet access away at my day job BUT you'll be hearing from me at least a couple times a week.

I also want to actually get back to working on my simplydenisi.com and see where we take that..

Remember my contacts:

twitter.com/simplydenisi

myspace.com/denisi

facebook.com/simplydenisi

simplydenisi@gmail.com

I will try my absolute hardest to post some stuff tomorrow.. Tomorrow is my school night soooo see you tomorrow!

Love ALWAYS,

SimplyDenisi

I'm Back!

I'm back in business, I hope I wasn't missed that much and everyone has had a wonderful and healthy month!

After multiple doctor and hospital visits, a blood transfusion and all sorts of medications, I'm revived! I have a possible thyroid problem which messes with my hormones and cranial hypertension (IIH) which gives me a non stop headache and it's getting better. My mother finally arrived from the Dominican Republic and has nursed me back to health. Thank God for mothers, I don't know what I would've done without her. I took almost two weeks off from work and dedicated time to me and it felt wonderful.

I'm in the process of giving myself a mini makeover and just renewing my look. I really want to give my apartment a makeover but that would be much more expensive.

I feel like my old self again! I felt like I've been lost for years when it has been months but I'm glad everything has worked out and nothing crucial happened.

I'm thankful for my mother, my hasband and my sister for all their care. It's nice to feel you have people around you that you can count on and are just there to love you and embrace you. My husband never let go of my hand and I always knew and felt how much he loves me. My sister is like my second mother, called me every single hour and took me to the doctors and the hospital. She always knows the questions to ask and how to handle every situation. She is a strong woman and I'm glad to have her around as a role model. We as women all need to be strong independent women and she has taught me that. My mother no words can explain what she means to me. No matter how old I get or what I do in life she has the power to make me feel like her little baby. As soon as she got to NY she gave me vitamins, iron juices, just everything. She knew exactly what to do and when. She put me under her wing and made sure I was okay. She took me every where to doctors, the hospital, acupuncture just everything. She prepares breakfast, lunch and dinner to make sure I'm okay. The love and the comfort I feel with her is undescriable, I don't feel that with no one else. I feel my mother is there 100% no matter what.

I hope one day I can just like that with my children and make them feel the same way. It's amazing nothing like your mother.

Blogging Absence

I know I know.. I just started and I've already took a break. Well unfortunately I haven't been feeling 100 % lately. I go through this about once a year but this time it's hit me the hardest. I have hormone problem where my body doesn't when to ovulate or control anything. I've been tested for thyroid issues before and they've always been normal. This time my blood work came back slightly abnormal so that's being looked into further.

Now why haven't I been feeling normal?? Well I menstruated for three weeks straight but the last week was the worst. I don't want to get too graphic but I had to change every half hour. Disaster! The bleeding has stopped a little over a week now but I've had a nonstop headache for 3 WEEKS! The doctors say it's because of the lack of oxygen and iron in my blood but I don't know. If I don't take anything it's a painful migraine, if I take migraine medicine it's manageable but it's still there. I feel like doing nothing all day, I've been on ibuprofen, Excedrin migraine, imatriex or fiorcet for over a month because of the bleeding at first and now the headache.

I don't know how to act sick, I can be dieing inside and I'm always smiling and talking but some moments I can't take the pain so I mention "oh I'm so sick" and people dismisses me. No one knows how I feel. I now understand why people with MS commit suicide because to be sick everyday feeling pain and fatigue is frustrating!! My eye is super sensitive now when I blink my right eye blanks out and I see black then it comes back, my ears are a little clogged. I explained this to my doctor, he referred me to do an MRI. It came back normal thank God so he says it's the oxygen and iron levels but my God i just want to feel normal AGAIN!! WHEN? I get depressed thinking about it and thinking I may have something really wrong with me but no one cares.

Daily I ask: What if i die? What if I become mentality ill as a result of this? What if I can't have children because of this? Whats wrong with me? What am I going to do with myself? What should I do? Where should I go? Who do I go see? Then the crying begins. I feel alone.

Everyday I look at different things I can have: meningitis, stroke, high blood pressure etc.

No matter how old u get, u always need your mother. My mother has been in the Dominican Republic for the past month, and I miss her like crazy. I don't want to ask her to come back because she is retired and she is enjoying herself like she should. I'm like yearning for just her presence because I know she won't let anything happen to me. She calls me everyday but I don't tell her much because I don't want her to worry while she is over there and she is coming back on June 29th that's three weeks away. I wanna be an adult but I can't help to just want my mommy.

So we are back on!

Kisses...

Sicky Denisi ...

PS: I gained all the weight I lost but my doctor said it's probably my thyroid so I'm going to see a specialist :(