Just Me ...

Rainy day in NYC and I'm at work ugh! I've been feeling a little blue lately and sometimes I'm experiencing these mini-anxiety attacks. (what's that about?) And no I'm not PMSing. I've been under pressure from no one in particular just myself; some financial, some personal. I've just been feeling very alone and insecure; no one gets me. I don't have a best friend and I really haven't had one since high school and sometimes it really gets to me. I have friends but no one that I feel comfortable enough to burden with my issues or thoughts. I have my husband but I don't want to burden him either. I just sometimes need a friend not just any friend but an exclusive best friend. It might sound silly and even a little immature but everyone (my friends) seem to have their own best friend so I don't want to be like second best friend or something.

My best friend was like the best, I loved her like family, like a sister. I would kill and die for her and I felt the same way back. I mean she knew everything about me and I knew everything about her. Barely fought or had disagreements. We had the greatest time together we were bad girls together and were good girls together. Always had something to speak about. Everything we did and anywhere we went, we were together. I just felt like I had someone there for me. Sometimes I don't like going to places alone or planning things alone and sometimes I just want someone's opinion. And I don't have that right now. It's just me, myself and I.

Sometimes I don't mind being by myself, I pretty independent and I love having me time. I sit home, watch TV or just sit a think. I think about my goals and what am I going to do. I plan my me day when I'm home alone, I plan my menu for the day, my movie list, my music play list, my comfy clothes and just chill. If I need to cry I do, I reminisce, I do my makeup and I take pictures. lol It may seem corny and boring but I work my inner Denise out. Its feels a lot better than it sounds. Its sounds a little crazy but it's not lol I hope lol.It's a little secret that I guess isn't a little secret anymore. :)

Right now I'm just going through somethings.. I'm dealing with a new school and just adapting to being an A student which I've never worked that hard. So now I'm scared of failing. I'm scared that I'm going to spend so much time effort and money then at the end I still won't be accepted to the program. I'm scared to face the reality that I'm just a dumb chubby latina. I know I'm not but in this school that I'm going to be have honor students, people working towards their doctorate, well spoken professionals. Then you have me..

In one hand I'm excited to go to school and aim for the best and be around all these intellect professional but in the other I feel under qualified, i feel super young and immature. I tell myself nah you bugging Denise you can do why not, you just have to put your all into it. BUT I can't help it, I just can't stop. I feel like a scared 5 year old going to her first day of school every time! I tell myself everything is going to be okay; but is it really? What happens if it's not? Then what all this hard work for nothing because it's still not going to be good enough? I think about it and I get nervous, my heart starts beating super fast, my eyes water and I feel crazy (anxiety). But I can't do anything about it, just do what I can.

BUT THEN..

I'm pretty independent. I like doing things myself so that then in case whatever happens I don't owe anyone anything or if things go bad I don't have anyone to blame but myself.

My husband works at a university, a prestigious university in NY, because he is an employee his family can attend the school for free. I took advantage but my grades weren't good enough to get into the school so they allowed me to take 2 courses as a "non-student" so I can then apply to and have a better chance. They said you only have to pay the school fees and the taxes. I get the bill and its $700 and I'm like this is going to be GREAT! I wish! Last week they have started bascially taking an extra $200 in taxes fro my husbands paycheck and they will do that for the next 10 weeks! YES 10 weeks!! That's $2000 in taxes! I mean it's still a good deal to go to this school but charge me! I dont have this kind of money to pay him back. We have bills, super credit cards. This is just a huge set back.

I know, he is my husband, we are a family. my bills are his bills, visa-versa. He hasn't complained but still. I feel bad and even worse that I dont have 200 a week so maybe I can put on one of his bills. So I've decided I'm not going back to school until I can either pay him or take a loan to cover our expenses. BUT I can't take a loan until I am officially accepted to the counseling program. UGH!

Everything goes as God planned it to be...

If anyone is out there please pray for me.. I really really want this.
Well until next time. Peace and good health.
simplyDenisi <3

When will I get there?

OK well still don't have a bathroom but its coming along.. The walls are finally up but nothing else.. At least they made an outlet because the bathroom had none. So hopefully, I'm praying the bathroom will be done early next week. I still have to shower at my mothers house but it's almost over!!

I had a somewhat stressful day not because of work but because of my school situation. Okay let me start from the beginning. As I posted in my previous blog, I composed my goals and made a timeline. One of the most important ones was to start on my graduate degree. But unfortunately I decided to work on this a little too late. My husband works from NYU so I can get my masters for free, I'm only responsible for student fees and taxes. I'm excited because this is BIG! One problem the programs I want to pursue are not accepting applications because the deadline was February 1st. I'm trying to reach out to people in the school but no one is returning my emails.

Today I read facts about the program which is Mental Health Counseling, NYU only accepts 40 students A YEAR! Now my GPA not very good, doesn't reach 3.0, not because I'm not a good student or because I'm not smart but because when I started school I wasn't focused. But now I am. I feel helpless. I feel like there is no where to go. I have a goal that seems impossible to reach. I want to make a difference in people's lives but I can't seem to get a chance.

I really care about people and helping and becoming a resource. I really need a prayer. 40 students?? What are the odds of my being one of them. A Dominican girl from queens with a sucky GPA but that doesn't tell them who I am, what I'm about. The love and dedication I want to provide to the public. I want to open my counseling office, just come in, sit and let's talk.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to give up but it's hard. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is something I want so bad, it's what I've always wanted, it's something I always imagined myself doing. I want to give back. I want to be the example not only to my future children but to everyone around me. I'll have to continue this tomorrow I'm getting choked up and I'm getting a headache.

Until next time. Thank you for reading. Feel free to leave a comment.

simply Denisi <3.

PS gramatical errors will be corrected tomorrow.

Happy Monday.. Happy Belated Mama's DAY!

Good evening my dear readers.. Yesterday I decided to create a real full blown website. It'll contain not only my blog but my wanna-be modeling photos and little bio and where I'm going with creation.

I'm a little nervous because I haven't applied to grad school and I've missed all application deadlines, I decided to go to NYU and now I need some help. Tomorrow I will email my helper to see if they can create a miracle and get me in. If not I will have to wait until Fall of 2010 to start and I definitely don't want that.

I've also been reading Naturally Thin: Unleash your skinny girl. I love it! I love the author, she is from The Housewives of NYC show on Bravo. She is the best and the most entertaining. Her book basically give you ten rules that your should follow to take control of your eating habits. I was a little iffy about the book because I'm like this bitch has never been fat so what can she tell me about the struggle. I'm reading up on rule number 3 and so far so good. Its common sense but sometimes you need to be told the obvious to actually realize whats happening. So I'm enjoying the book during my train rides.

Mother's Day was okay this year. I spent the entire day with my mother and my sister came by with my nephews for a few. And that's about it. I wish I could've done more but nowadays we are in a recession so we are on a budget. Next year I defintly want to throw my mother a big birthday bash because this year we didn't do anything.

So that's a little wrap up on my monday.. Well have a wonderful good night..

Simply Denisi <3.