Spouse Dependency: How much is good?

Seeing my parents together as a child painted a picture of what I didn't want to have, what i didn't want to become. My mother came to the US when she was an adolescent and has been traveling back and forth from Dominican Republic and is ten years my fathers senior. My parents met in DR and migrated to NY to start a new life together. My mother found a decent job in the garment district but my father on the other had had a very hard time with this new world, the new language, the American culture. Since he didn't know the language or any trade or education he had to settle working at a sugar factory making close to nothing. For as long as I can remember my mother was the bread winner in our home but she never made no mention of it. I didn't know until I was older.

When I was a teenager he got a job as a superintendent and a few weeks later my mother was laid off and the tables turned. With that came all kinds of changes, change I will never forget. He was now the breadwinner, he paid the bills, and then I guess he felt power, the MAN. This is when it got bad, when they would have arguments he would shoot back well this is my house and you can leave. Everything he did, every penny he paid he made sure we knew, and we felt it. This was when the verbal abuse got real bad the worst. He would tear my mother apart with his words and made us feel worthless. I would beg my mother to leave him but her answer was always, "where are we going to go?". My mother was trying to find another job but her work was being shipped over seas for cheap labor and the jobs that remained would only be enough for the rent. She felt stuck and like she had to suck it up and be strong in order for me to have a roof over my head.

While this was going on my sister started having some of the same issues with her spouse. He also became a superintendent, was verbally abusive and my sister was stuck but she refused. She worked hard and held on tight for a few months, packed up her and her 3 children and bought her home. She refused to be in a unhealthy situation that didn't meet her needs. She went through a lot but she was focused and determined on making her life work and moving on to have a peaceful mind and environment for her children. I was and still am proud of her beyond words, I look up to her and because of her I know I can do it.

During my situation, I hated the way I felt and as a confused adolescent, my attitude was like eff the world but then as a I got older and saw my sister going through it and survive alone, the question of "what I am going to do so I can get out of this situation?" I never want to feel like I have to rely or depend on anyone again. I won't let a man define me, I rather be by myself and adopt children than be with someone who mistreats me. I will never go through it, I've made it clear to all my relationships and to my friends and family. If they see me tell me so I can be aware and snap out of it. That was my motivation for turning my life around and started working towards finishing my high school diploma, going to college, getting a job, everything! Everything I do is for me, my future, and my future children. I don't want to owe anyone anything, I don't want to be taken care of so that when they feel they can belittle me. I rather live under a cardboard box and call it my own than be with someone because I need them to survive, to pay my bills, to take care of me and be unhappy. We don't need anyone to survive but ourselves, our motivation is what helps us make it and if you work and believe towards where you want to be, you will get there. There may be bumps on the way teaching you lessons but keep on going, never stop, everything happens for a reason and you will get where you want to be and destined to be.

In my household sometimes I struggle with the issues of my past because sometimes I get scared and I'm very quick to want to bail because I can. Relationships take work and nothing is never perfect but I always make sure I'm comfortable, that I'm happy and that I'm willing to put of and work through some issues because I want to not because I have to. I make sure there is a balance, I don't let others get in the way of me as an individual, of what I want my family to be and what I want to do and get out of life. I always keep in the back of my head that there is a chance I can end up alone with my children and I'm okay with that. Sometimes it feels like I'm in a lonely place but if there is no one in this earth that can be equal with me,  do something for me or our family without throwing it back in my face or hold it as ammunition to make a point, then it's meant to be and I shall be alone. The only person I trust 100%, I'm not afraid to ask for help, trust with my life, I know always has me at number one and has always ALWAYS been there for me eventhough we go through our issues and she has her own, is my mother. I try to figure out what am I going to do when she leaves me. The thought scares me, I hope to have children by then so I can cope better.

Many great powerful, strong women are not married or with anyone and I understand why.

My story continues, let's see what happens...
I will always be okay, I'm a survivor.

High School Graduate: If I did it, anyone can!

Sometimes I speak to friends from high school and they tell me how proud they are that I made it. I've completed my BA, I have a stable job, I have no children out of wedlock, I married after school, I have my own apartment, now Im looking to move foward and completing my MA. I feel I didn't do anything spectacular, it's not like I got amazing grades and was valedictorian. I was an average student that did what anyone could've done. I wasn't saved or had some amazing opportunity, everything I did in terms of school and everything else, anyone could've done.

When I was in high school I was a terrible student, I barely went to school and even when I did show up I didn't go to most of my classes. I had no aspirations, I didnt know what I wanted to be when I grew up, I didnt even think about it. I think back and I wonder where was my mind at and why didnt anyone simply ask me? I wasn't a bad girl, I was still nice, sweet, caring but I wasn't focused on anything. Not my life, not my future. I was just living in the moment, waiting for something to happen. Like me there are thousands of adolescents today out there waiting for something to happen, someone to speak to them, someone to raise awareness.

I knew about college, I knew it was there but I didn't see myself going because it seemed hard, nothing I could get into, nothing I can do. Until a guidance counselor took the time and asked me about my future plans, asked me about graduating high school, told me about community college. Told me I had choices where my grades didnt matter, I only needed a diplomia or a GED. Then we spoke about how I can complete my diplomia, graduate on time and move on. When I spoke to her I told her its impossible, I'm supposed to be in my senior year and only have 22 out of 40 credits but we made a plan and at the end of the year I graduted with 52 credits. I went to school all day (7:25 AM to 4 PM) then twice a week I went to night school til about 9 PM. I struggled a little bit but I did it. Just like I did it everyone could.

I'm not a genius (tell from my grammer errors) believe me I'm not I just figured out what I wanted. To be clear I didn't just figure it all out in one day. I gave it some thought.. Where do I wanna see myself in June? Where do I wanna see myself next year? Where do I wanna see myself in 5 or 10 years?

In 2002 (when I graduated HS) I only knew I wanted to be out of high school, and I mostly knew what I didnt want. I didn't want to become a statistic, I didn't want to get pregnant, I didn't want to drop-out of HS, I didn't want to work at a minimium wage job forever, I didn't want to go to public assistance, I didn't want to count on a man for anything. I wanted more, I wanted be able to pay my own rent, buy my own things, stand on my own two feet so I wouldn't feel stuck with anyone because I couldn't survive on my own (I'll tell you why another time).

I am where I am because of me. I made the decision to try and beat the statistics and I'm still trying...

Don't be shy.. Contact me email (simplydenisi@gmail.com) or simply leave a comment :) I'm here for everyone :)

SimplyDenisi <3

Welcome to Simply Denisi

I would like to officially welcome you to my blog.

Well I finally have my domain worked out (simplyDenisi.com) and now I'm just reading about how to make my blog hot fire so I can update this hopefully daily and wow you with my life or not.

I feel like this new person is sort of emerging. Since me wedding I've decided to live free and really become who ever I want to be (with my husband of course). I'm working on becoming more in touch with me and no matter what anyone says or no matter what anyone thinks do what I feel. I don't want to be afraid of taking risks or scared to put myself out there. When I walk into a room I don't want to impress anyone or look for any one's approval. I want to walk in to a room and feel confident in myself. You see I sometimes felt alone even though I had people around me like my family and my small circle of friends. I felt I was weird, an outcast and no one cared about me or what I had to say.

I'm tired of feeling that way because who cares. Why am I feeling alone when I have myself the only person who is supposed to care. I have to like me, I have to feel comfortable with myself. Who cares if no one is preying attention as long as I'm doing what feels good to me and making myself feel good. No one is watching me, I've grown up my mother is not responsible for me anymore, I'm responsible for me. I now have the same circle of people around me but I don't feel lonely anymore. I'm working on developing myself, mentally and physically.

Since I was 12 years old I've had long curly blonde or close to blonde. I've thought about cutting my hair but what will people think, what if I don't look right, they'll make fun of me. Fat girls don't look right with short hair, my husband loves long hair, he's not going to love me. But you know what why not. IIII wanted a change, I went to the salon and cut it off. I was like I don't care. If I don't feel comfortable with the shortness I'll work with it until it grows back. Now I love my hair, I've cut it until my chin and dyed it dark brown and I love it. I've never loved my hair this much. I don't care what people think because I feel good about it. When I came around with my new hair color they weren't too crazy about it. I kept it blonde before because the first time I dyed it people complimented me so much. I felt like I had to keep it up even though it was a hassle but it complimented my eyes and people felt it enhanced my beauty. But what about what I had to go through when my black roots would start growing in? What about how damaged my hair was because of all the chemicals? No one cares or minds those things because they are not me. I'm not a celebrity, I'm not here for the people. No more... So I did what I wanted, felt like doing and I couldn't be happier.

It's me.

Well it's been lovely.

Until next time.

Simply Denisi.