Life After Gastric Bypass: Self Image

For the most part it's great! I feel good about myself and I'm a lot more social and adventurous. I'm not afraid of taking a risks and really push myself in every aspect. I'm happier, feel more attractive, and a lot more comfortable with myself. I notice now that a year ago I was in a bit of denial. There was parts of me that were okay with me but deep down, I knew the deal.

                                         Back then:

I was lazy. Going up stairs was a drag and I would twice twice and three times about walking down a couple of blocks. I was in denial about it when my mother would comment about it, I would say no I'm active and it's not a big deal. I loved dancing and would never turn down a dance so I would tell myself, "You see I'm not lazy!". I would play these psych games with myself and convince myself that I was fine but again deep deep down I knew.

I knew I should go to the gym, I knew I shouldn't of ate that, I knew I was big but didn't realize I was THAT big.

Now:

I look at pictures and I'm like wow was I really that big? I ask my husband did I really look like that? He says no but my mother says yes. It's really mind boggling because when I look in the mirror I still see myself as I did back then. I notice my collar bone sticks out a little more now but I'm still Denise. This messes with me because now I'm scared. I'm scared that the person I'm looking at is not what the public looks at. I've become obsessed with makeup and try to wear almost every day. It makes me feel better, I'll be honest almost like a mask. This week I haven't worn any, I don't want this to be me. I don't want to become dependent on anything. I used to be dependent on food (I'm still working on that) and now I'm picking up something else.

I try to keep myself on check by stepping back and really looking at my behaviors. This may sound crazy but I just want to be aware of myself.

Scared of Failure: I'm still scared of failure well I know I hope I can do it but scared of others looking at me and thining wow she should've lost more weight or wow all of that surgery but still look like that?? I had someone ask me today, "so when is your surgery scheduled for?" I was almost in tears. Or when they ask "so how much have u lost? Like 40?", I just want to scream. Ugh. It will get better though.

It's all a process and since it's so life changing, it's very emotional with again high and lows. I'm just rolling with the punches taking the positive with the negative. I'm very optimistic for the future, while living once day at a time. Hope this is a little helpful. If you have any questions or comments dont think twice to leave a comment or shoot me an email.

With Love Always,

SimplyDenisi. <3  

Struggles of being Obese, Over-Weight, Big, Fat etc.

Last night I experienced one of the most humiliating moments with my family that left me disgusted with everyone. It didn't happen to me but it has before but this time I was an outsider looking in and for once their disapproving eyes weren't on me. Because I wasn't the one being humiliated, my feelings for the situation were even stronger because I know how she felt, I felt what she felt and it hurt. Now let me explain what exactly happened:

We were on this ultra sensitive elevator going up to my parents house, it was me, her and 2 others when the elevator just stopped and got stuck. You see this special elevator like I said is ultra sensitive so when I get in it I try not to even move or go in with too many people. I guess we had too many people in it and it stopped. I know how my parents and family are so I prayed they wouldn't have any dumb fat comments. There were none, that we can hear anyway. Until it was time to go, as we were saying our good-byes to everyone my uncle stops and says to her. How did you think you can get in the elevator when the weight limit was 2,000 pounds and you alone reach capacity. Then everyone started laughing and I felt it. The embarrassment, the humility, the sadness, the anger, just a million feelings. Wanting to tell everyone to eff off, you cruel insensitive people. But she kept her composure and laughed it off and walked away. I wanted to cry and scream for her. I've been there before, a million times before with them but back then I had no where to go but the bathroom to cry and console myself because no one understood. I always stood alone as the fat one and when I said something the responses would be: "They are just joking", "they are just concerned", "they do it because they love you and just want you to lose weight", "why don't you just stop eating and exercise", "just lose weight", a total disregard for my feelings.

Now after the surgery and and 70 pounds lighter I don't feel as self conscious as I used to but sometimes I forget I'm not as big and still have the feelings. I've cried for her for since last night. No one knows this feeling, unless you are big no one can even imagine. We are still people with personalities other than being over weight. Others don't understand this is an illness like substance abuse but it's part of our physical. It's an illness you can see but that doesn't mean we need to be reminded, it doesn't mean we are weird and need to be stare at, we are people! Regular people that sometimes over eat and have a little junk in our trunk!

I sometimes wish everyone with this issue could have the surgery or be the same size, just so we can ALL feel better about ourselves, I mean the surgery doesn't fix it all. The eating and emotional issues are still there but it's a tool to help us loose some of the weight. I don't want to promote the surgery like that because one has to be ready for it and want it. It's a huge step and I'm so scared of failure, I've become emotionally attached to my scale. When I don't see it move, I feel scared with a chance of failure. Then for the rest of the day I feel really conscious of what I eat and how much. But the good part is that I can fit into a more comfortable size (16 from 24 almost 26) and I'm a little bit more confidence when I go out. I feel better being intimate with my husband. It has a lot of positives but you definitely have to be mentally ready for the good AND the bad.

I've always had an optimistic outlook in life. Just let things roll down not letting comments get to me. I've always tried to overcome my issues and live as freely and positive as possible but sometimes it does get to me. Sometimes in the back of my head I feel people still stare, I could just imagine what they were thinking, I second guessed myself, the what-if thoughts are always around the corner and that moment yesterday with her triggered all those feelings. I felt them, all of them. And they are the problem, my family, my Dominican culture, this society, this skinny culture but they out number us and instead of helping us, they laugh and make us feel isolated.

But know even though you may feel alone, you are not and don't give up on the battle. We are all here for a reason and are the way we are for a reason. The battle is not over until you say it's over and always have control over your own life and live with no regrets. I had the surgery because I wanted to. I felt I needed to do it to help me, help me lose weight, get healthy and begin healing me. As you can tell I still struggle with some emotions but I cope. If you've had the surgery or is thinking about the surgery join or visit thinnertimesforum.com , this has been amazing to me. I found super inspiring people here and they have helped be move forward and keep fighting.

If you are going through something, want someone to speak to or anything please don't hesistate to contact me at simplydenisi@gmail.com

2010 = Skinny + Educated

Hey guys :) New year and a start of a new life.. Just like everyone else, the end of the year came around and I started thinking what's my new year going to look like?

In November when my husband had fork over $4,000 for my education, I realized I couldnt go back to school the following semester unless a few things happened. One I save $4000 so my husband wouldnt be burdened or I get accepted to a program so I can take a student loans. I couldn't do neither in such short notice so I deceided, If Im not going to be able to go to school I HAVE to do something to continue to better myself.

I've committed myself that in 2010, Im going to do something to better myself everyday. Even the smallest thing like educate myself in something I was curious about or filling out and graduate school application, just anything to keep things moving in a positive direction. During my semester off Im going to be working on a few big things. Im going to be applying to graduate programs, Im going to be working at becoming healthier, looking for a better job, and just work on myself. And so far so good! It's the middle of Febuary and I've got A LOT done.

I decided to attack my obecity and work toward weight loss surgery. I've looked at it many times. My sister got it done about 6-7 years ago and since then my family has been down my throat about it. "Oh just imagine how pretty you would be", "Clothes would fit you so much better", "How much happier you would be" BLAH BLAH BLAH! NO!!!! Leave me alone!!! By eveyone attacking me about it and trying to push me to do it made that not even an option. It just hurt me and made me feel like I was in a pool full of skinnys and Im the whale in the middle. It made me eat more, food is my comfort, food understands where Im coming from. Its just there for me like a drug, crazy to say but I kindof understand addicts.

My decision to go through with it was made in October/Novemeber. I was on my skinny girl mentality grind in the spring of 2009. I was determined to think like a healthy conscious person and lose weight. I lost a little over 20 pounds in a short time and I was on a roll! But then I got sick. I was horrible! I got really severly anemic, I had a blood transfusion, I developed cranial hypertension. I felt weak, sick and I really thought I was about to die. I couldn't do anything, not excerise, not be on a diet, it was the worst exprience. I was sick until about August/ September when I got everything under control but I was just trying to get back on my feet and started school and when I stepped in the scale BOOM!! I had gained 35 pounds! Just like that I gained one clothing size! Im just fed up with this up and down, with this problem that I can't seem to shake off. Its just always there! It's like fighting a never ending battle.

I need to do something! I want to have children in the future and I dont want this to be an issue. So I decieded for me! I called my doctor and he referred me to the surgoen. I didnt tell anyone because this was going to be for me and I didnt want to be congraduated, I didnt want to hear anyone's opinion. I just wanted to think for myself and do it for ME.

I walked in to a packed office, full of big just out of surgery people. I felt everyone looked at him and thought "yea we know why you're in here.. you're next" I was scared, embrassed, sad... I wanted to reschedule and run out or just leave and say it was too packed, too long of a wait time. No one knew I was there, no one would know I chickened out. But I signed in and asked for the wait time which was over an hour and a half. I left I needed air, I needed to think, breathe, cry. But no it was something I HAD to do so I went into a Barnes and Noble sat with starbucks in had and broused some books. I didnt think about it by the time I knew time was up and I needed to go back to see the doctor.

The doctor was nice. He was a tall, thin, light skin cuban man. I had a knot in my stomach but thank God he was so easy going. He explained everything, all the possibilites and just made me feel like it was no biggy. The scary part was when I got home. Everything hit me, I just laid down with a pillow in my face balling. Thinking WHY? Why me? Why do I have to go through this? Why cant I just have 20 lbs to lose get on a diet and lose it? It's like a disability, I think about it, I feel it, I live it EVERYDAY! I can't ignore it any longer. I'm married, I want to have children, he wants to have children and because my super overweight I dont ovulate making it impossible to conceive. I was just thinking about everything but after I got it all out. I felt it was all going to be okay and it could be worst. Sometimes it gets overwhelming. I get scared. Am I ever going to overcome this part of my life? Is it always going to be this way? Is the surgery going to work?

The doctor has a really nice support network. Pre-op patients work with his nurse practioner. I went to see her shortly after the first consultation and she gave me all the paper work and told me everything that needed to be done and submitted. I have to see her every month and we will dicuss everything that will be expected and just follow-up on appointments etc. She is also really nice and supportive. She explains everything in full detail, makes me feel comfortable and so far this process has been very pleasant. It's Febuary and I'm done with all my pre-op visits I just have to continue seeing my general physician for the next four months. So Hopefully I'll have my surgery in July. Im going to travel to my homeland (Dominican Republic) in June so I cant get it before.

Exhale.

Now with graduate school, I've just finished applying to seven different programs for social work (MSW) and mental health counseling. So I'm just playing the waiting game ugh (the worst part).

Just an update on my life. I will be posting my statement of purpose that my dear friend/co-worker has helped me write. So baby steps do get you somewhere. I have my goals together and they'll be my focus for 2010. So BIG HUGE life changing things will be happening in 2010 (hopefully)..

That's where I am.

Thanks you coming by!

Simply Denisi <3.

Note: Needs ALOT of editing.. Bear with me will get it done..

Just me.

I'm back and ready to conquer it ALL.

Well I see I lost some followers but new beginnings it is.

I've fell off my dieting and exercising and just focused on getting better then came school. I didn't even want to think about dieting even though it was in back of my head everyday. I realized we are really obsessed with food, dieting, self imagine and sometimes it looks and feels so unhealthy.

WoW will I spend my entire life yo-yoing with diets and thinking about my diet. It makes me sad to think this is going to be a never ending struggle.

I don't think I'm necessarily obsessed because I try not to think about it as much.

But I DO think about and it DOES bother me. When I do think about I try to shake it off and think like no

Denise you are who you are and eff them. I can't help but when I'm around my thin sisters or my other family members I feel ugly, fatter than what I usually feel then I think I HAVE to lose weight RIGHT NOW. I don't want to eat around them. I sometimes don't like to eat in front of people generally because I am the size that I

am they might think I eat like a pig and keep it fat kid style all day but I don't. Don't get me wrong I pig out sometimes but usually I get full really fast; I don't like greasy, fatty foods like that, I don't eat candy often but I am obsessed with

chocolate.

Most of the time I am comfortable with myself and I love my chubby self but others make me feel self conscious because being over-weight isn't socially accepted. Will we ever over come this?

Don't get me wrong I get it, we are unhealthy, we ha

ve a short life span etc. BUT my mother's side of the family is mostly overweight; so is that a coincidence? The advice thin or "healthy" people give me never surprises me. Since I've been overweight all my life and have known about it I've been hearing all the health risks and how to lose weight, and when to lose weight and how different I would look, feel, be.. I'VE HEARD IT ALL.. Sometime others just don't understand what we struggle with.. I mean we can be almost compared to like when Africans were slaves. We aren't beaten or even go thought what they went through but they were looked at as different. People made them feel inferior and like outsiders living in white society. We are fattys living in a "skinny" society.

I cope with it pretty well. I have my good days and bad days but mostly good but others don't. They are looked as hungry hippos so they conform and in their mind they use food as make me feel better pill. The pill works for about 5 seconds then it's like wha

t did I do? DAM that 5 MORE pounds! But they fall into it again then it becomes a cycle then you're superduper obese.

Sometimes it's deeper. I'm still looking and working on myself but it's a work-in-progress. When I'm home and something is bothering me or I'm depressed I do eat more but why? Why does my friend losses her appetite and experiences the total opposite when she is depressed but my appetite increases by like 100%?

What shall we do? When will we change? Obesity is a huge problem, have you guess seen the McDonalds portions in europe compared to the ones in the states? funny. They can control fast food over there why can't our government do the same here? The FDA controls everything else? Why not control what vendors put in our food? It's almost like they don't care, or trying to make us sicker so more money for programs, more money for doctors, more money for taxes.

Why are people trying to fight Obama on healthcare?

Im not like making theories or trying to uncover government secrets, I just wonder whats going on sometimes.. looking at the bigger picture..

Interesting...

Until next time.

simplyDenisi <3

Fat Girl Relapse

Well I've relapsed!

One day last week I was hungry, it was like all the food that I've been depriving my body from, caught up with me. I was craving all the bad fat girl things. I tried not thinking about it by keeping myself busy but I couldn't take it anymore and I gave IN! And it felt GOOD!! Then of course I felt super guilty! I convinced myself this wasn't the end of the world, OK Denise stop hyperventilating but I couldn't help feeling like I was going to be a fat girl forever.

All those times I stand in front of the mirror sucking my stomach in or biting my inner cheek to make my face look thinner.. Imagining I can do it and look like this one day.

I sometimes look at bigger people on the subway and think I would never get like that, I would never let myself get there and if I were them I would just give up on eating all together. I would just drink water all day everyday but in reality I'm there, some problably look at me and say the same. We try to make ourselves feel better by looking at someone that is worst off and sometimes that's not the right thing to do because it still doesn't resolve your problem. But when we thinking or saying this we don't stop and think.

No one knows the fat girl struggle because even though sometimes I let things go and tell myself "oh please girl you're fly", I want to know how does it feel to walk without the blubber. I want to just walk into ANY store and find something that fits. If it's not Lanebryant or Macy's Plus Size I dread going in. I start thinking if I were skinny I would wear this and that with that or you find something you really like that you hope for a miracle that they have your size then nope. At least we can go to the shoe section and they'll have something unless you have wide feet like me so that doesn't even workout.

So I relapsed then I couldn't seem to get on track then I got my "girl thang" (wink wink) so that threw me even more off. Today is the first day that I feel I'm getting back on my feet. This morning began reading "Naturally Thin" again and had a small breakfast. I'm still dreading the scale to see what I've gained in a week. So I fell now that I got up I'm going to wait about 2 weeks until I weigh myself.

This may seem dumb and senseless. Some may read this and think, come on join a gym, stop eating or eat less... but when you've lived a certain way all your life it's hard to now want to change the game on the ninth inning, it's very HARD! Unless you've been overweight or obese at some point in your life you can't know this feeling. And sometimes thin people that gain weight it's easier for them than someone who has been obese all their life.

So...

I'm going to do it! I AM!

Oh this life..

Well until next time.. So much to talk about so little time..

Simply me... Denisi <3.>