Life is good with it's ups and down. I'm almost 9 months post-op and am down 110 pounds without even trying. It feels good. I never knew how self conscious I was pre-op, how restricted I felt and especially how different people treat you.
I look back at pictures and I didn't know I was actually that big. I was 315 pounds and felt I didn't look it but I was in denial. But one thing I will admit it took my a while to actually see the difference and still I feel the same but lighter. It's a little hard to explain but since I'm not constantly in front of a mirror, I feel I'm the same person and look pretty much the same. When I put on my old clothes, I'm like wow this is really big on me and it feels good but when I go shopping I still for a second look for my old size 24 then it's like oh yea no I'm a 14 now. When I'm on the train and there is a seat in between 2 people, I still tighten myself and hold my breath and go in slowly because I still don't think I can fit into that small space, only to find out not only do I fit but there is a little more wiggle room. When old friends look at me, I still feel like they are looking at my rolls or big cheeks so I automatically suck in my gut in a little but they are just so surprised on how much I've changed (then I can exhale). When I look at pictures i realize a little more that I've lost some weight but I still have some insecurities.
The Good:
I do feel better fitting into smaller clothes. I feel things look much better but my legs are still on the bigger side (I feel). I feel lighter and not as lazy. I can walk faster and don't mind walking. Going up stairs is a million times easier. I like eating smaller portions. My confidence is higher than it used to be. I'm motivated to go out, dress up more, take care of myself. I feel a whole new world has opened up. People treat me much better, are much nicer to me (which is so sad and makes me a upset because I'm still the same person).
The Bad:
I have a huge fear of gaining weight or not losing enough. I look at other people and they have lost a lot more weight than me (but then again I haven't joined the gym) and now my weight loss has slowed down I'm scared I'm still going to be "fat". Before the surgery I used to say when I get to a size 12 I will feel good and it'll be perfect but now I'm like no I want to be thin. When people look at me I don't want then to think "oh she is chubby", "if she lost 10 more pounds she will be perfect". NO! I want when people to look at me "a weight problem" won't even cross their minds. This is exhausting believe me. I'm extremely happy I got the surgery because I do feel better than I did before but sometimes I feel it's a never ending struggle. I just think one day, one day I won't worry about this. Hopefully.
Well I hope all is good on your side. Today is a very gloomy raining day on mine.
Simply Denisi <3.
Showing posts with label insecurities. Show all posts
Showing posts with label insecurities. Show all posts
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
2011: New Year ... New Ideas
 |
| January 2010 Lemmy was born! |
-was accepted to a MSW program
-started school
-had my surgery
-lost 75 pounds
-traveled
-grew up a little more
-learned more about life, love-made new friends
I got most if not everything I wanted out of the year, I have no complaints, no regrets just two thumbs up. Now it's time for a new year, and figure out what i want out of it. I think this year is going to be my education year. I want to educate myself as much as possible. I want to read and learn more about branding and marketing, about creating my website, about making a business successful, and about taking control of my finances.
 |
| March 2010 Visited Disney for the 1st time! |
This year:
 |
| June 2010 |
-save money
-get out of debt as much as possible-lose more weight
-buy a car, or at least drive one
-travel to somewhere new
-excerise more, gym membership
-remember birthdays
-stay positive
-stay growing
 |
| July 2010 Dominican Republic |
 |
| July 2010 Dominican Republic |
 |
| Day 3 after surgery August 2010 |
 |
| September 2010 Amelie is born! |
 |
| October 2010 Carol is married! |
 |
| November 2010 in love with Amelie! |
 |
| Christmas Eve 2010 |
 |
| Christmas Eve 2010 |
 |
| December 2010 |
I'm proud of who I became in 2010 and who I'm going to be for 2011. Happy New Year world! Hoping the best for everyone!
Monday, December 20, 2010
Struggles of being Obese, Over-Weight, Big, Fat etc.
Last night I experienced one of the most humiliating moments with my family that left me disgusted with everyone. It didn't happen to me but it has before but this time I was an outsider looking in and for once their disapproving eyes weren't on me. Because I wasn't the one being humiliated, my feelings for the situation were even stronger because I know how she felt, I felt what she felt and it hurt. Now let me explain what exactly happened:
We were on this ultra sensitive elevator going up to my parents house, it was me, her and 2 others when the elevator just stopped and got stuck. You see this special elevator like I said is ultra sensitive so when I get in it I try not to even move or go in with too many people. I guess we had too many people in it and it stopped. I know how my parents and family are so I prayed they wouldn't have any dumb fat comments. There were none, that we can hear anyway. Until it was time to go, as we were saying our good-byes to everyone my uncle stops and says to her. How did you think you can get in the elevator when the weight limit was 2,000 pounds and you alone reach capacity. Then everyone started laughing and I felt it. The embarrassment, the humility, the sadness, the anger, just a million feelings. Wanting to tell everyone to eff off, you cruel insensitive people. But she kept her composure and laughed it off and walked away. I wanted to cry and scream for her. I've been there before, a million times before with them but back then I had no where to go but the bathroom to cry and console myself because no one understood. I always stood alone as the fat one and when I said something the responses would be: "They are just joking", "they are just concerned", "they do it because they love you and just want you to lose weight", "why don't you just stop eating and exercise", "just lose weight", a total disregard for my feelings.
Now after the surgery and and 70 pounds lighter I don't feel as self conscious as I used to but sometimes I forget I'm not as big and still have the feelings. I've cried for her for since last night. No one knows this feeling, unless you are big no one can even imagine. We are still people with personalities other than being over weight. Others don't understand this is an illness like substance abuse but it's part of our physical. It's an illness you can see but that doesn't mean we need to be reminded, it doesn't mean we are weird and need to be stare at, we are people! Regular people that sometimes over eat and have a little junk in our trunk!
I sometimes wish everyone with this issue could have the surgery or be the same size, just so we can ALL feel better about ourselves, I mean the surgery doesn't fix it all. The eating and emotional issues are still there but it's a tool to help us loose some of the weight. I don't want to promote the surgery like that because one has to be ready for it and want it. It's a huge step and I'm so scared of failure, I've become emotionally attached to my scale. When I don't see it move, I feel scared with a chance of failure. Then for the rest of the day I feel really conscious of what I eat and how much. But the good part is that I can fit into a more comfortable size (16 from 24 almost 26) and I'm a little bit more confidence when I go out. I feel better being intimate with my husband. It has a lot of positives but you definitely have to be mentally ready for the good AND the bad.
I've always had an optimistic outlook in life. Just let things roll down not letting comments get to me. I've always tried to overcome my issues and live as freely and positive as possible but sometimes it does get to me. Sometimes in the back of my head I feel people still stare, I could just imagine what they were thinking, I second guessed myself, the what-if thoughts are always around the corner and that moment yesterday with her triggered all those feelings. I felt them, all of them. And they are the problem, my family, my Dominican culture, this society, this skinny culture but they out number us and instead of helping us, they laugh and make us feel isolated.
But know even though you may feel alone, you are not and don't give up on the battle. We are all here for a reason and are the way we are for a reason. The battle is not over until you say it's over and always have control over your own life and live with no regrets. I had the surgery because I wanted to. I felt I needed to do it to help me, help me lose weight, get healthy and begin healing me. As you can tell I still struggle with some emotions but I cope. If you've had the surgery or is thinking about the surgery join or visit thinnertimesforum.com , this has been amazing to me. I found super inspiring people here and they have helped be move forward and keep fighting.
If you are going through something, want someone to speak to or anything please don't hesistate to contact me at simplydenisi@gmail.com
We were on this ultra sensitive elevator going up to my parents house, it was me, her and 2 others when the elevator just stopped and got stuck. You see this special elevator like I said is ultra sensitive so when I get in it I try not to even move or go in with too many people. I guess we had too many people in it and it stopped. I know how my parents and family are so I prayed they wouldn't have any dumb fat comments. There were none, that we can hear anyway. Until it was time to go, as we were saying our good-byes to everyone my uncle stops and says to her. How did you think you can get in the elevator when the weight limit was 2,000 pounds and you alone reach capacity. Then everyone started laughing and I felt it. The embarrassment, the humility, the sadness, the anger, just a million feelings. Wanting to tell everyone to eff off, you cruel insensitive people. But she kept her composure and laughed it off and walked away. I wanted to cry and scream for her. I've been there before, a million times before with them but back then I had no where to go but the bathroom to cry and console myself because no one understood. I always stood alone as the fat one and when I said something the responses would be: "They are just joking", "they are just concerned", "they do it because they love you and just want you to lose weight", "why don't you just stop eating and exercise", "just lose weight", a total disregard for my feelings.
Now after the surgery and and 70 pounds lighter I don't feel as self conscious as I used to but sometimes I forget I'm not as big and still have the feelings. I've cried for her for since last night. No one knows this feeling, unless you are big no one can even imagine. We are still people with personalities other than being over weight. Others don't understand this is an illness like substance abuse but it's part of our physical. It's an illness you can see but that doesn't mean we need to be reminded, it doesn't mean we are weird and need to be stare at, we are people! Regular people that sometimes over eat and have a little junk in our trunk!
I sometimes wish everyone with this issue could have the surgery or be the same size, just so we can ALL feel better about ourselves, I mean the surgery doesn't fix it all. The eating and emotional issues are still there but it's a tool to help us loose some of the weight. I don't want to promote the surgery like that because one has to be ready for it and want it. It's a huge step and I'm so scared of failure, I've become emotionally attached to my scale. When I don't see it move, I feel scared with a chance of failure. Then for the rest of the day I feel really conscious of what I eat and how much. But the good part is that I can fit into a more comfortable size (16 from 24 almost 26) and I'm a little bit more confidence when I go out. I feel better being intimate with my husband. It has a lot of positives but you definitely have to be mentally ready for the good AND the bad.
I've always had an optimistic outlook in life. Just let things roll down not letting comments get to me. I've always tried to overcome my issues and live as freely and positive as possible but sometimes it does get to me. Sometimes in the back of my head I feel people still stare, I could just imagine what they were thinking, I second guessed myself, the what-if thoughts are always around the corner and that moment yesterday with her triggered all those feelings. I felt them, all of them. And they are the problem, my family, my Dominican culture, this society, this skinny culture but they out number us and instead of helping us, they laugh and make us feel isolated.
But know even though you may feel alone, you are not and don't give up on the battle. We are all here for a reason and are the way we are for a reason. The battle is not over until you say it's over and always have control over your own life and live with no regrets. I had the surgery because I wanted to. I felt I needed to do it to help me, help me lose weight, get healthy and begin healing me. As you can tell I still struggle with some emotions but I cope. If you've had the surgery or is thinking about the surgery join or visit thinnertimesforum.com , this has been amazing to me. I found super inspiring people here and they have helped be move forward and keep fighting.
If you are going through something, want someone to speak to or anything please don't hesistate to contact me at simplydenisi@gmail.com
Thursday, February 18, 2010
2010 = Skinny + Educated
Hey guys :) New year and a start of a new life.. Just like everyone else, the end of the year came around and I started thinking what's my new year going to look like?
In November when my husband had fork over $4,000 for my education, I realized I couldnt go back to school the following semester unless a few things happened. One I save $4000 so my husband wouldnt be burdened or I get accepted to a program so I can take a student loans. I couldn't do neither in such short notice so I deceided, If Im not going to be able to go to school I HAVE to do something to continue to better myself.
I've committed myself that in 2010, Im going to do something to better myself everyday. Even the smallest thing like educate myself in something I was curious about or filling out and graduate school application, just anything to keep things moving in a positive direction. During my semester off Im going to be working on a few big things. Im going to be applying to graduate programs, Im going to be working at becoming healthier, looking for a better job, and just work on myself. And so far so good! It's the middle of Febuary and I've got A LOT done.
I decided to attack my obecity and work toward weight loss surgery. I've looked at it many times. My sister got it done about 6-7 years ago and since then my family has been down my throat about it. "Oh just imagine how pretty you would be", "Clothes would fit you so much better", "How much happier you would be" BLAH BLAH BLAH! NO!!!! Leave me alone!!! By eveyone attacking me about it and trying to push me to do it made that not even an option. It just hurt me and made me feel like I was in a pool full of skinnys and Im the whale in the middle. It made me eat more, food is my comfort, food understands where Im coming from. Its just there for me like a drug, crazy to say but I kindof understand addicts.
My decision to go through with it was made in October/Novemeber. I was on my skinny girl mentality grind in the spring of 2009. I was determined to think like a healthy conscious person and lose weight. I lost a little over 20 pounds in a short time and I was on a roll! But then I got sick. I was horrible! I got really severly anemic, I had a blood transfusion, I developed cranial hypertension. I felt weak, sick and I really thought I was about to die. I couldn't do anything, not excerise, not be on a diet, it was the worst exprience. I was sick until about August/ September when I got everything under control but I was just trying to get back on my feet and started school and when I stepped in the scale BOOM!! I had gained 35 pounds! Just like that I gained one clothing size! Im just fed up with this up and down, with this problem that I can't seem to shake off. Its just always there! It's like fighting a never ending battle.
I need to do something! I want to have children in the future and I dont want this to be an issue. So I decieded for me! I called my doctor and he referred me to the surgoen. I didnt tell anyone because this was going to be for me and I didnt want to be congraduated, I didnt want to hear anyone's opinion. I just wanted to think for myself and do it for ME.
I walked in to a packed office, full of big just out of surgery people. I felt everyone looked at him and thought "yea we know why you're in here.. you're next" I was scared, embrassed, sad... I wanted to reschedule and run out or just leave and say it was too packed, too long of a wait time. No one knew I was there, no one would know I chickened out. But I signed in and asked for the wait time which was over an hour and a half. I left I needed air, I needed to think, breathe, cry. But no it was something I HAD to do so I went into a Barnes and Noble sat with starbucks in had and broused some books. I didnt think about it by the time I knew time was up and I needed to go back to see the doctor.
The doctor was nice. He was a tall, thin, light skin cuban man. I had a knot in my stomach but thank God he was so easy going. He explained everything, all the possibilites and just made me feel like it was no biggy. The scary part was when I got home. Everything hit me, I just laid down with a pillow in my face balling. Thinking WHY? Why me? Why do I have to go through this? Why cant I just have 20 lbs to lose get on a diet and lose it? It's like a disability, I think about it, I feel it, I live it EVERYDAY! I can't ignore it any longer. I'm married, I want to have children, he wants to have children and because my super overweight I dont ovulate making it impossible to conceive. I was just thinking about everything but after I got it all out. I felt it was all going to be okay and it could be worst. Sometimes it gets overwhelming. I get scared. Am I ever going to overcome this part of my life? Is it always going to be this way? Is the surgery going to work?
The doctor has a really nice support network. Pre-op patients work with his nurse practioner. I went to see her shortly after the first consultation and she gave me all the paper work and told me everything that needed to be done and submitted. I have to see her every month and we will dicuss everything that will be expected and just follow-up on appointments etc. She is also really nice and supportive. She explains everything in full detail, makes me feel comfortable and so far this process has been very pleasant. It's Febuary and I'm done with all my pre-op visits I just have to continue seeing my general physician for the next four months. So Hopefully I'll have my surgery in July. Im going to travel to my homeland (Dominican Republic) in June so I cant get it before.
Exhale.
Now with graduate school, I've just finished applying to seven different programs for social work (MSW) and mental health counseling. So I'm just playing the waiting game ugh (the worst part).
Just an update on my life. I will be posting my statement of purpose that my dear friend/co-worker has helped me write. So baby steps do get you somewhere. I have my goals together and they'll be my focus for 2010. So BIG HUGE life changing things will be happening in 2010 (hopefully)..
That's where I am.
Thanks you coming by!
Simply Denisi <3.
Note: Needs ALOT of editing.. Bear with me will get it done..
In November when my husband had fork over $4,000 for my education, I realized I couldnt go back to school the following semester unless a few things happened. One I save $4000 so my husband wouldnt be burdened or I get accepted to a program so I can take a student loans. I couldn't do neither in such short notice so I deceided, If Im not going to be able to go to school I HAVE to do something to continue to better myself.
I've committed myself that in 2010, Im going to do something to better myself everyday. Even the smallest thing like educate myself in something I was curious about or filling out and graduate school application, just anything to keep things moving in a positive direction. During my semester off Im going to be working on a few big things. Im going to be applying to graduate programs, Im going to be working at becoming healthier, looking for a better job, and just work on myself. And so far so good! It's the middle of Febuary and I've got A LOT done.
I decided to attack my obecity and work toward weight loss surgery. I've looked at it many times. My sister got it done about 6-7 years ago and since then my family has been down my throat about it. "Oh just imagine how pretty you would be", "Clothes would fit you so much better", "How much happier you would be" BLAH BLAH BLAH! NO!!!! Leave me alone!!! By eveyone attacking me about it and trying to push me to do it made that not even an option. It just hurt me and made me feel like I was in a pool full of skinnys and Im the whale in the middle. It made me eat more, food is my comfort, food understands where Im coming from. Its just there for me like a drug, crazy to say but I kindof understand addicts.
My decision to go through with it was made in October/Novemeber. I was on my skinny girl mentality grind in the spring of 2009. I was determined to think like a healthy conscious person and lose weight. I lost a little over 20 pounds in a short time and I was on a roll! But then I got sick. I was horrible! I got really severly anemic, I had a blood transfusion, I developed cranial hypertension. I felt weak, sick and I really thought I was about to die. I couldn't do anything, not excerise, not be on a diet, it was the worst exprience. I was sick until about August/ September when I got everything under control but I was just trying to get back on my feet and started school and when I stepped in the scale BOOM!! I had gained 35 pounds! Just like that I gained one clothing size! Im just fed up with this up and down, with this problem that I can't seem to shake off. Its just always there! It's like fighting a never ending battle.
I need to do something! I want to have children in the future and I dont want this to be an issue. So I decieded for me! I called my doctor and he referred me to the surgoen. I didnt tell anyone because this was going to be for me and I didnt want to be congraduated, I didnt want to hear anyone's opinion. I just wanted to think for myself and do it for ME.
I walked in to a packed office, full of big just out of surgery people. I felt everyone looked at him and thought "yea we know why you're in here.. you're next" I was scared, embrassed, sad... I wanted to reschedule and run out or just leave and say it was too packed, too long of a wait time. No one knew I was there, no one would know I chickened out. But I signed in and asked for the wait time which was over an hour and a half. I left I needed air, I needed to think, breathe, cry. But no it was something I HAD to do so I went into a Barnes and Noble sat with starbucks in had and broused some books. I didnt think about it by the time I knew time was up and I needed to go back to see the doctor.
The doctor was nice. He was a tall, thin, light skin cuban man. I had a knot in my stomach but thank God he was so easy going. He explained everything, all the possibilites and just made me feel like it was no biggy. The scary part was when I got home. Everything hit me, I just laid down with a pillow in my face balling. Thinking WHY? Why me? Why do I have to go through this? Why cant I just have 20 lbs to lose get on a diet and lose it? It's like a disability, I think about it, I feel it, I live it EVERYDAY! I can't ignore it any longer. I'm married, I want to have children, he wants to have children and because my super overweight I dont ovulate making it impossible to conceive. I was just thinking about everything but after I got it all out. I felt it was all going to be okay and it could be worst. Sometimes it gets overwhelming. I get scared. Am I ever going to overcome this part of my life? Is it always going to be this way? Is the surgery going to work?
The doctor has a really nice support network. Pre-op patients work with his nurse practioner. I went to see her shortly after the first consultation and she gave me all the paper work and told me everything that needed to be done and submitted. I have to see her every month and we will dicuss everything that will be expected and just follow-up on appointments etc. She is also really nice and supportive. She explains everything in full detail, makes me feel comfortable and so far this process has been very pleasant. It's Febuary and I'm done with all my pre-op visits I just have to continue seeing my general physician for the next four months. So Hopefully I'll have my surgery in July. Im going to travel to my homeland (Dominican Republic) in June so I cant get it before.
Exhale.
Now with graduate school, I've just finished applying to seven different programs for social work (MSW) and mental health counseling. So I'm just playing the waiting game ugh (the worst part).
Just an update on my life. I will be posting my statement of purpose that my dear friend/co-worker has helped me write. So baby steps do get you somewhere. I have my goals together and they'll be my focus for 2010. So BIG HUGE life changing things will be happening in 2010 (hopefully)..
That's where I am.
Thanks you coming by!
Simply Denisi <3.
Note: Needs ALOT of editing.. Bear with me will get it done..
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
To Fail or Not to Fail
Well after an agonizing wait my first paper came back.. B+ its okay but for a girl looking for an A it's not so good. You see now I have to really plan my plan B. And I really don't want to. This is very depressing and stressful. I have so much pressure and so much determination but I feel like I'm fighting a battle that's been lost already.
People tell me relax, you're thinking too much into it. It's not that serious and I know it isnt I've been in school for most of my life. But I cant HELP feeling this way. When I got my paper I was shaking, I didnt want to look at it but I did. I didn't know what to expect, I felt sweaty, my hearting was pounding, I just had to open it then BOOM B+. My intial reaction was like okay how can I make this to an A, I'll make it so my final average equals an A. But as everyone else received their paper and the professor was talking about the great papers. I started feeling little again. Then I read his comment on how I have to be more sophisticated. What? I know my vocabulary is not 100% but come on I'm a Dominican New Yorker, I'm not white, I dont use big words when I speak. When I'm writing my papers I write how I know how to write. I use big words when appropriate, I check my grammer, I had other people read it a thousand times to make sure it sounded like I knew what I was talking about. I got good reviews.
Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing or what should I do. This new school has thrown my off my mental state. But its me I know it. I usually cope with things pretty good. This is really kicking my ass, this has been the hardest. So far so bad :( I'm a really spirtual person, I go by energys and I believe everything happens for a reason and if things are meant to be, they will be. But this I dont know. Should I fight or should I let it go and see where it goes. Its hard because I dont want to do all this work and fight then lose anyway. I dont want to let it go because I want it SOOO bad! This is what I want; this is what I want to do.
Maybe it's because I'm an only child but I'm a thinker. I think A LOT about everything. I didn't have any siblings around so I couldn't speak to anyone but myself. It was me and my mom (always makes me so emotional) but I didn't have anyone to share things with and get some feedback. I couldn't share everything with my mother because she was raised not only ina different country but a different time. So I was left to figure things out by myself. It's going to sound crazy but when things are going on I talk to myself and just talk it through. Sometimes I still do it, I cry by myself and laugh by myself. It makes me feel better like I have someone there. I'm like my own best friend :) I'm not crazy lol.
Man I'm going to do it. Once again I'm going to throw myself in there but I'm scared.
Have a good night!
Simply Denisi <3
*These entires haven't been edited as you can tell, I will get around to it this weekend.
People tell me relax, you're thinking too much into it. It's not that serious and I know it isnt I've been in school for most of my life. But I cant HELP feeling this way. When I got my paper I was shaking, I didnt want to look at it but I did. I didn't know what to expect, I felt sweaty, my hearting was pounding, I just had to open it then BOOM B+. My intial reaction was like okay how can I make this to an A, I'll make it so my final average equals an A. But as everyone else received their paper and the professor was talking about the great papers. I started feeling little again. Then I read his comment on how I have to be more sophisticated. What? I know my vocabulary is not 100% but come on I'm a Dominican New Yorker, I'm not white, I dont use big words when I speak. When I'm writing my papers I write how I know how to write. I use big words when appropriate, I check my grammer, I had other people read it a thousand times to make sure it sounded like I knew what I was talking about. I got good reviews.
Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing or what should I do. This new school has thrown my off my mental state. But its me I know it. I usually cope with things pretty good. This is really kicking my ass, this has been the hardest. So far so bad :( I'm a really spirtual person, I go by energys and I believe everything happens for a reason and if things are meant to be, they will be. But this I dont know. Should I fight or should I let it go and see where it goes. Its hard because I dont want to do all this work and fight then lose anyway. I dont want to let it go because I want it SOOO bad! This is what I want; this is what I want to do.
Maybe it's because I'm an only child but I'm a thinker. I think A LOT about everything. I didn't have any siblings around so I couldn't speak to anyone but myself. It was me and my mom (always makes me so emotional) but I didn't have anyone to share things with and get some feedback. I couldn't share everything with my mother because she was raised not only ina different country but a different time. So I was left to figure things out by myself. It's going to sound crazy but when things are going on I talk to myself and just talk it through. Sometimes I still do it, I cry by myself and laugh by myself. It makes me feel better like I have someone there. I'm like my own best friend :) I'm not crazy lol.
Man I'm going to do it. Once again I'm going to throw myself in there but I'm scared.
Have a good night!
Simply Denisi <3
*These entires haven't been edited as you can tell, I will get around to it this weekend.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
.jpg)
