Just me.

I'm back and ready to conquer it ALL.

Well I see I lost some followers but new beginnings it is.

I've fell off my dieting and exercising and just focused on getting better then came school. I didn't even want to think about dieting even though it was in back of my head everyday. I realized we are really obsessed with food, dieting, self imagine and sometimes it looks and feels so unhealthy.

WoW will I spend my entire life yo-yoing with diets and thinking about my diet. It makes me sad to think this is going to be a never ending struggle.

I don't think I'm necessarily obsessed because I try not to think about it as much.

But I DO think about and it DOES bother me. When I do think about I try to shake it off and think like no

Denise you are who you are and eff them. I can't help but when I'm around my thin sisters or my other family members I feel ugly, fatter than what I usually feel then I think I HAVE to lose weight RIGHT NOW. I don't want to eat around them. I sometimes don't like to eat in front of people generally because I am the size that I

am they might think I eat like a pig and keep it fat kid style all day but I don't. Don't get me wrong I pig out sometimes but usually I get full really fast; I don't like greasy, fatty foods like that, I don't eat candy often but I am obsessed with

chocolate.

Most of the time I am comfortable with myself and I love my chubby self but others make me feel self conscious because being over-weight isn't socially accepted. Will we ever over come this?

Don't get me wrong I get it, we are unhealthy, we ha

ve a short life span etc. BUT my mother's side of the family is mostly overweight; so is that a coincidence? The advice thin or "healthy" people give me never surprises me. Since I've been overweight all my life and have known about it I've been hearing all the health risks and how to lose weight, and when to lose weight and how different I would look, feel, be.. I'VE HEARD IT ALL.. Sometime others just don't understand what we struggle with.. I mean we can be almost compared to like when Africans were slaves. We aren't beaten or even go thought what they went through but they were looked at as different. People made them feel inferior and like outsiders living in white society. We are fattys living in a "skinny" society.

I cope with it pretty well. I have my good days and bad days but mostly good but others don't. They are looked as hungry hippos so they conform and in their mind they use food as make me feel better pill. The pill works for about 5 seconds then it's like wha

t did I do? DAM that 5 MORE pounds! But they fall into it again then it becomes a cycle then you're superduper obese.

Sometimes it's deeper. I'm still looking and working on myself but it's a work-in-progress. When I'm home and something is bothering me or I'm depressed I do eat more but why? Why does my friend losses her appetite and experiences the total opposite when she is depressed but my appetite increases by like 100%?

What shall we do? When will we change? Obesity is a huge problem, have you guess seen the McDonalds portions in europe compared to the ones in the states? funny. They can control fast food over there why can't our government do the same here? The FDA controls everything else? Why not control what vendors put in our food? It's almost like they don't care, or trying to make us sicker so more money for programs, more money for doctors, more money for taxes.

Why are people trying to fight Obama on healthcare?

Im not like making theories or trying to uncover government secrets, I just wonder whats going on sometimes.. looking at the bigger picture..

Interesting...

Until next time.

simplyDenisi <3

Fat Girl Relapse

Well I've relapsed!

One day last week I was hungry, it was like all the food that I've been depriving my body from, caught up with me. I was craving all the bad fat girl things. I tried not thinking about it by keeping myself busy but I couldn't take it anymore and I gave IN! And it felt GOOD!! Then of course I felt super guilty! I convinced myself this wasn't the end of the world, OK Denise stop hyperventilating but I couldn't help feeling like I was going to be a fat girl forever.

All those times I stand in front of the mirror sucking my stomach in or biting my inner cheek to make my face look thinner.. Imagining I can do it and look like this one day.

I sometimes look at bigger people on the subway and think I would never get like that, I would never let myself get there and if I were them I would just give up on eating all together. I would just drink water all day everyday but in reality I'm there, some problably look at me and say the same. We try to make ourselves feel better by looking at someone that is worst off and sometimes that's not the right thing to do because it still doesn't resolve your problem. But when we thinking or saying this we don't stop and think.

No one knows the fat girl struggle because even though sometimes I let things go and tell myself "oh please girl you're fly", I want to know how does it feel to walk without the blubber. I want to just walk into ANY store and find something that fits. If it's not Lanebryant or Macy's Plus Size I dread going in. I start thinking if I were skinny I would wear this and that with that or you find something you really like that you hope for a miracle that they have your size then nope. At least we can go to the shoe section and they'll have something unless you have wide feet like me so that doesn't even workout.

So I relapsed then I couldn't seem to get on track then I got my "girl thang" (wink wink) so that threw me even more off. Today is the first day that I feel I'm getting back on my feet. This morning began reading "Naturally Thin" again and had a small breakfast. I'm still dreading the scale to see what I've gained in a week. So I fell now that I got up I'm going to wait about 2 weeks until I weigh myself.

This may seem dumb and senseless. Some may read this and think, come on join a gym, stop eating or eat less... but when you've lived a certain way all your life it's hard to now want to change the game on the ninth inning, it's very HARD! Unless you've been overweight or obese at some point in your life you can't know this feeling. And sometimes thin people that gain weight it's easier for them than someone who has been obese all their life.

So...

I'm going to do it! I AM!

Oh this life..

Well until next time.. So much to talk about so little time..

Simply me... Denisi <3.>

Happy Monday.. Happy Belated Mama's DAY!

Good evening my dear readers.. Yesterday I decided to create a real full blown website. It'll contain not only my blog but my wanna-be modeling photos and little bio and where I'm going with creation.

I'm a little nervous because I haven't applied to grad school and I've missed all application deadlines, I decided to go to NYU and now I need some help. Tomorrow I will email my helper to see if they can create a miracle and get me in. If not I will have to wait until Fall of 2010 to start and I definitely don't want that.

I've also been reading Naturally Thin: Unleash your skinny girl. I love it! I love the author, she is from The Housewives of NYC show on Bravo. She is the best and the most entertaining. Her book basically give you ten rules that your should follow to take control of your eating habits. I was a little iffy about the book because I'm like this bitch has never been fat so what can she tell me about the struggle. I'm reading up on rule number 3 and so far so good. Its common sense but sometimes you need to be told the obvious to actually realize whats happening. So I'm enjoying the book during my train rides.

Mother's Day was okay this year. I spent the entire day with my mother and my sister came by with my nephews for a few. And that's about it. I wish I could've done more but nowadays we are in a recession so we are on a budget. Next year I defintly want to throw my mother a big birthday bash because this year we didn't do anything.

So that's a little wrap up on my monday.. Well have a wonderful good night..

Simply Denisi <3.