2010 = Skinny + Educated

Hey guys :) New year and a start of a new life.. Just like everyone else, the end of the year came around and I started thinking what's my new year going to look like?

In November when my husband had fork over $4,000 for my education, I realized I couldnt go back to school the following semester unless a few things happened. One I save $4000 so my husband wouldnt be burdened or I get accepted to a program so I can take a student loans. I couldn't do neither in such short notice so I deceided, If Im not going to be able to go to school I HAVE to do something to continue to better myself.

I've committed myself that in 2010, Im going to do something to better myself everyday. Even the smallest thing like educate myself in something I was curious about or filling out and graduate school application, just anything to keep things moving in a positive direction. During my semester off Im going to be working on a few big things. Im going to be applying to graduate programs, Im going to be working at becoming healthier, looking for a better job, and just work on myself. And so far so good! It's the middle of Febuary and I've got A LOT done.

I decided to attack my obecity and work toward weight loss surgery. I've looked at it many times. My sister got it done about 6-7 years ago and since then my family has been down my throat about it. "Oh just imagine how pretty you would be", "Clothes would fit you so much better", "How much happier you would be" BLAH BLAH BLAH! NO!!!! Leave me alone!!! By eveyone attacking me about it and trying to push me to do it made that not even an option. It just hurt me and made me feel like I was in a pool full of skinnys and Im the whale in the middle. It made me eat more, food is my comfort, food understands where Im coming from. Its just there for me like a drug, crazy to say but I kindof understand addicts.

My decision to go through with it was made in October/Novemeber. I was on my skinny girl mentality grind in the spring of 2009. I was determined to think like a healthy conscious person and lose weight. I lost a little over 20 pounds in a short time and I was on a roll! But then I got sick. I was horrible! I got really severly anemic, I had a blood transfusion, I developed cranial hypertension. I felt weak, sick and I really thought I was about to die. I couldn't do anything, not excerise, not be on a diet, it was the worst exprience. I was sick until about August/ September when I got everything under control but I was just trying to get back on my feet and started school and when I stepped in the scale BOOM!! I had gained 35 pounds! Just like that I gained one clothing size! Im just fed up with this up and down, with this problem that I can't seem to shake off. Its just always there! It's like fighting a never ending battle.

I need to do something! I want to have children in the future and I dont want this to be an issue. So I decieded for me! I called my doctor and he referred me to the surgoen. I didnt tell anyone because this was going to be for me and I didnt want to be congraduated, I didnt want to hear anyone's opinion. I just wanted to think for myself and do it for ME.

I walked in to a packed office, full of big just out of surgery people. I felt everyone looked at him and thought "yea we know why you're in here.. you're next" I was scared, embrassed, sad... I wanted to reschedule and run out or just leave and say it was too packed, too long of a wait time. No one knew I was there, no one would know I chickened out. But I signed in and asked for the wait time which was over an hour and a half. I left I needed air, I needed to think, breathe, cry. But no it was something I HAD to do so I went into a Barnes and Noble sat with starbucks in had and broused some books. I didnt think about it by the time I knew time was up and I needed to go back to see the doctor.

The doctor was nice. He was a tall, thin, light skin cuban man. I had a knot in my stomach but thank God he was so easy going. He explained everything, all the possibilites and just made me feel like it was no biggy. The scary part was when I got home. Everything hit me, I just laid down with a pillow in my face balling. Thinking WHY? Why me? Why do I have to go through this? Why cant I just have 20 lbs to lose get on a diet and lose it? It's like a disability, I think about it, I feel it, I live it EVERYDAY! I can't ignore it any longer. I'm married, I want to have children, he wants to have children and because my super overweight I dont ovulate making it impossible to conceive. I was just thinking about everything but after I got it all out. I felt it was all going to be okay and it could be worst. Sometimes it gets overwhelming. I get scared. Am I ever going to overcome this part of my life? Is it always going to be this way? Is the surgery going to work?

The doctor has a really nice support network. Pre-op patients work with his nurse practioner. I went to see her shortly after the first consultation and she gave me all the paper work and told me everything that needed to be done and submitted. I have to see her every month and we will dicuss everything that will be expected and just follow-up on appointments etc. She is also really nice and supportive. She explains everything in full detail, makes me feel comfortable and so far this process has been very pleasant. It's Febuary and I'm done with all my pre-op visits I just have to continue seeing my general physician for the next four months. So Hopefully I'll have my surgery in July. Im going to travel to my homeland (Dominican Republic) in June so I cant get it before.

Exhale.

Now with graduate school, I've just finished applying to seven different programs for social work (MSW) and mental health counseling. So I'm just playing the waiting game ugh (the worst part).

Just an update on my life. I will be posting my statement of purpose that my dear friend/co-worker has helped me write. So baby steps do get you somewhere. I have my goals together and they'll be my focus for 2010. So BIG HUGE life changing things will be happening in 2010 (hopefully)..

That's where I am.

Thanks you coming by!

Simply Denisi <3.

Note: Needs ALOT of editing.. Bear with me will get it done..

I'm Back!

I'm back in business, I hope I wasn't missed that much and everyone has had a wonderful and healthy month!

After multiple doctor and hospital visits, a blood transfusion and all sorts of medications, I'm revived! I have a possible thyroid problem which messes with my hormones and cranial hypertension (IIH) which gives me a non stop headache and it's getting better. My mother finally arrived from the Dominican Republic and has nursed me back to health. Thank God for mothers, I don't know what I would've done without her. I took almost two weeks off from work and dedicated time to me and it felt wonderful.

I'm in the process of giving myself a mini makeover and just renewing my look. I really want to give my apartment a makeover but that would be much more expensive.

I feel like my old self again! I felt like I've been lost for years when it has been months but I'm glad everything has worked out and nothing crucial happened.

I'm thankful for my mother, my hasband and my sister for all their care. It's nice to feel you have people around you that you can count on and are just there to love you and embrace you. My husband never let go of my hand and I always knew and felt how much he loves me. My sister is like my second mother, called me every single hour and took me to the doctors and the hospital. She always knows the questions to ask and how to handle every situation. She is a strong woman and I'm glad to have her around as a role model. We as women all need to be strong independent women and she has taught me that. My mother no words can explain what she means to me. No matter how old I get or what I do in life she has the power to make me feel like her little baby. As soon as she got to NY she gave me vitamins, iron juices, just everything. She knew exactly what to do and when. She put me under her wing and made sure I was okay. She took me every where to doctors, the hospital, acupuncture just everything. She prepares breakfast, lunch and dinner to make sure I'm okay. The love and the comfort I feel with her is undescriable, I don't feel that with no one else. I feel my mother is there 100% no matter what.

I hope one day I can just like that with my children and make them feel the same way. It's amazing nothing like your mother.

Blogging Absence

I know I know.. I just started and I've already took a break. Well unfortunately I haven't been feeling 100 % lately. I go through this about once a year but this time it's hit me the hardest. I have hormone problem where my body doesn't when to ovulate or control anything. I've been tested for thyroid issues before and they've always been normal. This time my blood work came back slightly abnormal so that's being looked into further.

Now why haven't I been feeling normal?? Well I menstruated for three weeks straight but the last week was the worst. I don't want to get too graphic but I had to change every half hour. Disaster! The bleeding has stopped a little over a week now but I've had a nonstop headache for 3 WEEKS! The doctors say it's because of the lack of oxygen and iron in my blood but I don't know. If I don't take anything it's a painful migraine, if I take migraine medicine it's manageable but it's still there. I feel like doing nothing all day, I've been on ibuprofen, Excedrin migraine, imatriex or fiorcet for over a month because of the bleeding at first and now the headache.

I don't know how to act sick, I can be dieing inside and I'm always smiling and talking but some moments I can't take the pain so I mention "oh I'm so sick" and people dismisses me. No one knows how I feel. I now understand why people with MS commit suicide because to be sick everyday feeling pain and fatigue is frustrating!! My eye is super sensitive now when I blink my right eye blanks out and I see black then it comes back, my ears are a little clogged. I explained this to my doctor, he referred me to do an MRI. It came back normal thank God so he says it's the oxygen and iron levels but my God i just want to feel normal AGAIN!! WHEN? I get depressed thinking about it and thinking I may have something really wrong with me but no one cares.

Daily I ask: What if i die? What if I become mentality ill as a result of this? What if I can't have children because of this? Whats wrong with me? What am I going to do with myself? What should I do? Where should I go? Who do I go see? Then the crying begins. I feel alone.

Everyday I look at different things I can have: meningitis, stroke, high blood pressure etc.

No matter how old u get, u always need your mother. My mother has been in the Dominican Republic for the past month, and I miss her like crazy. I don't want to ask her to come back because she is retired and she is enjoying herself like she should. I'm like yearning for just her presence because I know she won't let anything happen to me. She calls me everyday but I don't tell her much because I don't want her to worry while she is over there and she is coming back on June 29th that's three weeks away. I wanna be an adult but I can't help to just want my mommy.

So we are back on!

Kisses...

Sicky Denisi ...

PS: I gained all the weight I lost but my doctor said it's probably my thyroid so I'm going to see a specialist :(