My mother comes over today because I'm sick so she brought me soup. Before she comes in I have to make sure everything is in it's place, I change clothes so i can look/feel skinny, I do everything so that maybe just maybe she can one day be somewhat, a little impressed or compliment me or my life. I don't let it absorb me but it is in the back of my head when I'm around her.
Well today she sits in my living room and
she asks me so "how much have u lost?"
Me: About 75 lbs (with a smile thinking she is going to be impressed because it's only been 4 months)
Her: you still have a lotta stomach. U have to lose weight in your stomach
Me: ok
I look away trying to fight the tears thinking here we go and why?? Why must she do that?!?! I'm mad, I'm sad but I swallow it change the conversation and move on...
Just another day in the life of the phat fat girl...
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Struggles of being Obese, Over-Weight, Big, Fat etc.
Last night I experienced one of the most humiliating moments with my family that left me disgusted with everyone. It didn't happen to me but it has before but this time I was an outsider looking in and for once their disapproving eyes weren't on me. Because I wasn't the one being humiliated, my feelings for the situation were even stronger because I know how she felt, I felt what she felt and it hurt. Now let me explain what exactly happened:
We were on this ultra sensitive elevator going up to my parents house, it was me, her and 2 others when the elevator just stopped and got stuck. You see this special elevator like I said is ultra sensitive so when I get in it I try not to even move or go in with too many people. I guess we had too many people in it and it stopped. I know how my parents and family are so I prayed they wouldn't have any dumb fat comments. There were none, that we can hear anyway. Until it was time to go, as we were saying our good-byes to everyone my uncle stops and says to her. How did you think you can get in the elevator when the weight limit was 2,000 pounds and you alone reach capacity. Then everyone started laughing and I felt it. The embarrassment, the humility, the sadness, the anger, just a million feelings. Wanting to tell everyone to eff off, you cruel insensitive people. But she kept her composure and laughed it off and walked away. I wanted to cry and scream for her. I've been there before, a million times before with them but back then I had no where to go but the bathroom to cry and console myself because no one understood. I always stood alone as the fat one and when I said something the responses would be: "They are just joking", "they are just concerned", "they do it because they love you and just want you to lose weight", "why don't you just stop eating and exercise", "just lose weight", a total disregard for my feelings.
Now after the surgery and and 70 pounds lighter I don't feel as self conscious as I used to but sometimes I forget I'm not as big and still have the feelings. I've cried for her for since last night. No one knows this feeling, unless you are big no one can even imagine. We are still people with personalities other than being over weight. Others don't understand this is an illness like substance abuse but it's part of our physical. It's an illness you can see but that doesn't mean we need to be reminded, it doesn't mean we are weird and need to be stare at, we are people! Regular people that sometimes over eat and have a little junk in our trunk!
I sometimes wish everyone with this issue could have the surgery or be the same size, just so we can ALL feel better about ourselves, I mean the surgery doesn't fix it all. The eating and emotional issues are still there but it's a tool to help us loose some of the weight. I don't want to promote the surgery like that because one has to be ready for it and want it. It's a huge step and I'm so scared of failure, I've become emotionally attached to my scale. When I don't see it move, I feel scared with a chance of failure. Then for the rest of the day I feel really conscious of what I eat and how much. But the good part is that I can fit into a more comfortable size (16 from 24 almost 26) and I'm a little bit more confidence when I go out. I feel better being intimate with my husband. It has a lot of positives but you definitely have to be mentally ready for the good AND the bad.
I've always had an optimistic outlook in life. Just let things roll down not letting comments get to me. I've always tried to overcome my issues and live as freely and positive as possible but sometimes it does get to me. Sometimes in the back of my head I feel people still stare, I could just imagine what they were thinking, I second guessed myself, the what-if thoughts are always around the corner and that moment yesterday with her triggered all those feelings. I felt them, all of them. And they are the problem, my family, my Dominican culture, this society, this skinny culture but they out number us and instead of helping us, they laugh and make us feel isolated.
But know even though you may feel alone, you are not and don't give up on the battle. We are all here for a reason and are the way we are for a reason. The battle is not over until you say it's over and always have control over your own life and live with no regrets. I had the surgery because I wanted to. I felt I needed to do it to help me, help me lose weight, get healthy and begin healing me. As you can tell I still struggle with some emotions but I cope. If you've had the surgery or is thinking about the surgery join or visit thinnertimesforum.com , this has been amazing to me. I found super inspiring people here and they have helped be move forward and keep fighting.
If you are going through something, want someone to speak to or anything please don't hesistate to contact me at simplydenisi@gmail.com
We were on this ultra sensitive elevator going up to my parents house, it was me, her and 2 others when the elevator just stopped and got stuck. You see this special elevator like I said is ultra sensitive so when I get in it I try not to even move or go in with too many people. I guess we had too many people in it and it stopped. I know how my parents and family are so I prayed they wouldn't have any dumb fat comments. There were none, that we can hear anyway. Until it was time to go, as we were saying our good-byes to everyone my uncle stops and says to her. How did you think you can get in the elevator when the weight limit was 2,000 pounds and you alone reach capacity. Then everyone started laughing and I felt it. The embarrassment, the humility, the sadness, the anger, just a million feelings. Wanting to tell everyone to eff off, you cruel insensitive people. But she kept her composure and laughed it off and walked away. I wanted to cry and scream for her. I've been there before, a million times before with them but back then I had no where to go but the bathroom to cry and console myself because no one understood. I always stood alone as the fat one and when I said something the responses would be: "They are just joking", "they are just concerned", "they do it because they love you and just want you to lose weight", "why don't you just stop eating and exercise", "just lose weight", a total disregard for my feelings.
Now after the surgery and and 70 pounds lighter I don't feel as self conscious as I used to but sometimes I forget I'm not as big and still have the feelings. I've cried for her for since last night. No one knows this feeling, unless you are big no one can even imagine. We are still people with personalities other than being over weight. Others don't understand this is an illness like substance abuse but it's part of our physical. It's an illness you can see but that doesn't mean we need to be reminded, it doesn't mean we are weird and need to be stare at, we are people! Regular people that sometimes over eat and have a little junk in our trunk!
I sometimes wish everyone with this issue could have the surgery or be the same size, just so we can ALL feel better about ourselves, I mean the surgery doesn't fix it all. The eating and emotional issues are still there but it's a tool to help us loose some of the weight. I don't want to promote the surgery like that because one has to be ready for it and want it. It's a huge step and I'm so scared of failure, I've become emotionally attached to my scale. When I don't see it move, I feel scared with a chance of failure. Then for the rest of the day I feel really conscious of what I eat and how much. But the good part is that I can fit into a more comfortable size (16 from 24 almost 26) and I'm a little bit more confidence when I go out. I feel better being intimate with my husband. It has a lot of positives but you definitely have to be mentally ready for the good AND the bad.
I've always had an optimistic outlook in life. Just let things roll down not letting comments get to me. I've always tried to overcome my issues and live as freely and positive as possible but sometimes it does get to me. Sometimes in the back of my head I feel people still stare, I could just imagine what they were thinking, I second guessed myself, the what-if thoughts are always around the corner and that moment yesterday with her triggered all those feelings. I felt them, all of them. And they are the problem, my family, my Dominican culture, this society, this skinny culture but they out number us and instead of helping us, they laugh and make us feel isolated.
But know even though you may feel alone, you are not and don't give up on the battle. We are all here for a reason and are the way we are for a reason. The battle is not over until you say it's over and always have control over your own life and live with no regrets. I had the surgery because I wanted to. I felt I needed to do it to help me, help me lose weight, get healthy and begin healing me. As you can tell I still struggle with some emotions but I cope. If you've had the surgery or is thinking about the surgery join or visit thinnertimesforum.com , this has been amazing to me. I found super inspiring people here and they have helped be move forward and keep fighting.
If you are going through something, want someone to speak to or anything please don't hesistate to contact me at simplydenisi@gmail.com
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