Well Well hello hello... How you doing? (In my NY accent)..
A lot has happened since my last post.. I went into surgery on Thursday, August 26, 2010. Anddd it was a success! Thank you for all the prayers and all the great wishes. I had my gastric bypass surgery and when I went into surgery I was 309 pounds and now almost 3 months later I'm at 258. I'm pretty proud of myself even though it hasn't been easy, it has definitely been worth it.
Weeks before surgery I thought I was going to die, I was super nervous. I was preparing myself for the worst, I was doubting weather I wanted to go through with it. it was all I thought about all day, everyday but when I got the urge to call the Doctor and cancel I told myself, "NO! You will go through with it! Even if you die, it'll be okay but hopefully you don't die and you'll one day be a normal weight and be able to wear knee high boots."
Yes it sounds dumb but yes I have this little convos in my head lol. And yes what keeps me going is the thought of me one day wearing the knee high boots. Every time I see someone wearing them or try some on (that don't fit, I know they won't fit but I keep hope alive) I say to myself, "One day! One day I will!!." lol Okay well back to preparing for surgery: Yes, I was driving myself nuts with all the negative things that can happen but the positive kept me going. I was looking and googling everything about the surgery. I was reading blogs and I wanted to be as prepared as possible, I didn't want anything to surprise me. Thankfully I read some great blogs like this one and this forum. You see I was happy. I've been big all my life but there were times where I felt pretty and attractive and my health was fine. But since last year I gained all this extra weight (like 40 pounds) I felt out of breathe, I felt slow, I felt big. I've been against this weight loss surgery but I got tired of the yo-yo weight and the worst of all I started getting a little depressed and I wasn't feeling good about myself and felt myself just closing up and not wanting to go out and socialize. Most people in my family have had it and they've had good results and I just wanted to go back to the old confident me.
When I had the surgery, I remember waking up in recovery and feeling totally aware of everything around me. All the little pains, the oxygen tube in my nose, the oxygen going inside of me, my stomach and I was scared. I was alone, no one looked familiar, I wanted to cry like a little girl who was left alone in a park full of people. A nurse came up to the side of my bed and told me he was at my surgery and asked of I was okay. I said, "no it hurts". Then he told me about the morphine and I asked him how big is my stomach then he should be how much 30cc was. But then by the time I knew it I was out until they told me I had a phone call and it was my parents and I started to cry. I cried because I was happy they were there and because I was a little down.
After the surgery, when I had time by myself I would like and ask, "Why me?" Why do I have to do go ALL of this to be happy and normal? Why do I have to go through this? I would let myself cry for a few minutes but tired to snap out and said, "It is what it is." Took a deep breath and it made me feel better. I thanked God that I had 2 months off work to concentrate on myself and get through this.
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